“You—Judas Iscariot!”
Then she walked out, feeling that the very earth had given way beneath her.
Nothing was definite, nothing tangible or certain; there was not anybody or anything in the world, apparently, that one could count on. She had a feeling of nausea along with a curious calm that was like the calm of desperation. Yet her mind was alert, active, and she understood Mrs. Toomey with an uncanny clearness. She believed her when she had said that she liked her, just as she knew that she had lied when she had said that she was glad to see her. She understood now that Mrs. Toomey had accepted the loan hoping to carry water on both shoulders, and finding herself unable to do so, had eased herself of the burden which required the least courage. The perspicacity of years of experience seemed to come to Kate in a few minutes, so surely did she follow Mrs. Toomey’s motives and reasoning.
Was this human nature when one understood it? Was this what the world was like if one were out in it? Wasn’t there anybody sincere or kind or disinterested? She asked herself these questions despairingly as she untied her horse and swung slowly into the saddle.
“Poverty makes most people sordid, selfish, cowardly.” She fancied she heard Mormon Joe saying it, and herself expressing her disbelief in the statement. “There are few persons strong enough to stand the gaff of public opinion.” She had contradicted him, she remembered.
She recalled—word for word, almost—a philosophical dissertation apropos of Prouty as he sat on the wagon tongue one evening smoking his pipe in the moonlight.
“People who live without change in a small community grow to attach an exaggerated importance to the opinions of others. They come to live and breathe with a view to what their neighbors think of them. When life resolves itself into a struggle for a bare existence, it makes for cowardice and selfishness. In time the strongest characters deteriorate with inferior associates and only small interests to occupy their minds. Wills weaken, standards lower unconsciously, ideals grow misty or vanish. Youth, enthusiasm, hope, die together. Ambition turns to bitterness or stolid resignation. Suspicion, meanness, cruelty, are the natural offspring of small intelligences and narrow environment—and they flourish in a town like Prouty.”
“I don’t believe it!” she had cried, shocked by his cynicism. He had shrugged a shoulder and replied solemnly:
“I hope to God you’ll never know how true it is, Katie. I hope no combination of circumstances will ever place you at their mercy. It is to make any such condition impossible that I am bending all my energies to get on my feet again.”
In this moment it seemed to Kate that his cynicism had the sweetness of honey compared to her own bitterness.