A Treatise on Domestic Economy; For the Use of Young Ladies at Home and at School

by Catharine Esther Beecher

These defects in our national manners, it especially falls to the care of mothers, and all who have charge of the young, to rectify; and if they seriously undertake the matter, and wisely adapt means to ends, these defects will be remedied. With reference to this object, the following ideas are suggested.

The law of Christianity and of democracy, which teaches that all men are born equal, and that their interests and feelings should be regarded as of equal value, seems to be adopted in aristocratic circles, with exclusive reference to the class in which the individual moves. The courtly gentleman, addresses all of his own class with politeness and respect; and, in all his actions, seems to allow that the feelings and convenience of others are to be regarded, the same as his own. But his demeanor to those of inferior station, is not based on the same rule.

Among those, who make up aristocratic circles, such as are above them, are deemed of superior, and such as are below, of inferior, value. Thus, if a young, ignorant, and vicious coxcomb, happens to be born a lord, the aged, the virtuous, the learned, and the wellbred, of another class, must give his convenience the precedence, and must address him in terms of respect. So, when a man of noble birth is thrown among the lower classes, he demeans himself in a style, which, to persons of his own class, would be deemed the height of assumption and rudeness.

Now, the principles of democracy require, that the same courtesy, which we accord to our own circle, shall be extended to every class and condition; and that distinctions, of superiority and subordination, shall depend, not on accidents of birth, fortune, or occupation, but solely on those relations, which the good of all classes equally require. The distinctions demanded, in a democratic state, are simply those, which result from relations, that are common to every class, and are for the benefit of all.

It is for the benefit of every class, that children be subordinate to parents, pupils to teachers, the employed to their employers, and subjects to magistrates. In addition to this, it is for the general wellbeing, that the comfort or convenience of the delicate and feeble, should be preferred to that of the strong and healthy, who would suffer less by any deprivation, and that precedence should be given to their elders, by the young, and that reverence should be given to the hoary head.

The rules of good-breeding, in a democratic state, must be founded on these principles. It is, indeed, assumed, that the value of the happiness of each individual, is the same as that of every other; but, as there must be occasions, where there are advantages which all cannot enjoy, there must be general rules for regulating a selection. Otherwise, there would be constant scrambling, among those of equal claims, and brute force must be the final resort; in which case the strongest would have the best of every thing. The democratic rule, then, is, that superiors, in age, station, or office, have precedence of subordinates; age and feebleness, of youth and strength; and the feebler sex, of more vigorous man.[M]

There is, also, a style of deportment and address, which is appropriate to these different relations. It is suitable for a superior to secure compliance with his wishes, from those subordinate to him, by commands; but a subordinate must secure compliance with his wishes, from a superior, by requests. It is suitable for a parent, teacher, or employer, to admonish for neglect of duty; but not for an inferior to adopt such a course towards a superior. It is suitable for a superior to take precedence of a subordinate, without any remark; but not for an inferior, without previously asking leave, or offering an apology. It is proper for a superior to use language and manners of freedom and familiarity, which would be improper from a subordinate to a superior.

The want of due regard to these proprieties, occasions the chief defect in American manners. It is very common to hear children talk to their parents, in a style proper only between companions and equals; so, also, the young address their elders, those employed, their employers, and domestics, the members of the family and their visiters, in a style, which is inappropriate to their relative positions. A respectful address is required not merely towards superiors; every person desires to be treated with courtesy and respect, and therefore, the law of benevolence demands such demeanor, towards all whom we meet in the social intercourse of life. "Be ye courteous," is the direction of the Apostle in reference to our treatment of all.

Good-manners can be successfully cultivated, only in early life, and in the domestic circle. There is nothing which depends so much upon habit, as the constantly recurring proprieties of good-breeding; and, if a child grows up without forming such habits, it is very rarely the case that they can be formed at a later period. The feeling, that it is of little consequence how we behave at home, if we conduct properly abroad, is a very fallacious one. Persons, who are careless and ill bred at home, may imagine that they can assume good-manners abroad; but they mistake. Fixed habits of tone, manner, language, and movements, cannot be suddenly altered; and those who are illbred at home, even when they try to hide their bad habits, are sure to violate many of the obvious rules of propriety, and yet be unconscious of it.

And there is nothing, which would so effectually remove prejudice against our democratic institutions, as the general cultivation of good-breeding in the domestic circle. Good-manners are the exterior of benevolence, the minute and often recurring exhibitions of "peace and good-will;" and the nation, as well as the individual, which most excels in the external, as well as the internal, principle, will be most respected and beloved.