"Who will believe that Man could e'er exist,
Who spent near half an Age in studying Whist?
Grew gray with Calculation—Labour hard!
As if Life's Business center'd in a Card?
That such there is, let me to those appeal,
Who with such liberal Hands reward his Zeal.
Lo! Whist he makes a science, and our Peers
Deign to turn School Boys in their riper Years."
The principal characters are Professor Whiston (Hoyle), who gives lessons in the game of Whist; Sir Calculation Puzzle, a passionate admirer of Whist, who imagines himself a good player, yet always loses; Sharpers, Pupils of the Professor, and Cocao, Master of the Chocolate-house. The sharpers are disgusted at the appearance of the book.
"Lurchum. Thou knowest we have the Honour to be admitted into the best Company, which neither our Birth nor Fortunes entitle us to, merely for our Reputation as good Whist-Players.
Shuffle. Very well!
Lurch. But if this damn'd Book of the Professor's answers, as he pretends, to put Players more upon a Par, what will avail our superior Skill in the Game? We are undone to all Intents and Purposes. * * * We must bid adieu to White's, George's, Brown's, and all the polite Assemblies about Town, and that's enough to make a Man mad instead of thoughtful.
Shuf. Damn him, I say,—Could he find no other Employment for forty Years together, than to study how to circumvent younger Brothers, and such as us, who live by our Wits? A man that discovers the Secrets of any Profession deserves to be sacrificed, and I would be the first, Lurchum, to cut the Professor's Throat for what he has done, but that I think I have pretty well defeated the malevolent Effect of his fine-spun Calculations.
Lurch. As how, dear Shuffle? Thou revivest me.
Shuf. I must confess the Publication of his Treatise gave me at first some slight Alarm; but I did not, like thee, Lurchum, indulge in melancholy desponding Thoughts: On the contrary, I called up my Indignation to my Assistance, and have ever since been working upon a private Treatise on Signs at Whist, by way of counter Treatise to his, and which, if I mistake not, totally overthrows his System."
On the other hand, the gentlemen are in raptures.
"Sir Calculation Puzzle. The progress your Lordship has made for the time you have study'd under the Professor is wonderful.—Pray, has your Lordship seen the dear Man to-day?