THE FINE OLD ENGLISH GENTLEMAN
New Version
(To be said or sung at all Conservative Dinners)

I’ll sing you a new ballad, and I’ll warrant it first-rate,
Of the days of that old gentleman who had that old estate;
When they spent the public money at a bountiful old rate
On ev’ry mistress, pimp, and scamp, at ev’ry noble gate,
In the fine old English Tory times;
Soon may they come again!
The good old laws were garnished well with gibbets, whips, and chains,
With fine old English penalties, and fine old English pains,
With rebel heads, and seas of blood once hot in rebel veins;
For all these things were requisite to guard the rich old gains
Of the fine old English Tory times;
Soon may they come again!
This brave old code, like Argus, had a hundred watchful eyes,
And ev’ry English peasant had his good old English spies,
To tempt his starving discontent with fine old English lies,
Then call the good old Yeomanry to stop his peevish cries,
In the fine old English Tory times;
Soon may they come again!
The good old times for cutting throats that cried out in their need,
The good old times for hunting men who held their fathers’ creed,
The good old times when William Pitt, as all good men agreed,
Came down direct from Paradise at more than railroad speed....
Oh the fine old English Tory times;
When will they come again!
In those rare days, the press was seldom known to snarl or bark,
But sweetly sang of men in pow’r, like any tuneful lark;
Grave judges, too, to all their evil deeds were in the dark;
And not a man in twenty score knew how to make his mark.
Oh the fine old English Tory times;
Soon may they come again!
Those were the days for taxes, and for war’s infernal din;
For scarcity of bread, that fine old dowagers might win;
For shutting men of letters up, through iron bars to grin,
Because they didn’t think the Prince was altogether thin,
In the fine old English Tory times;
Soon may they come again!
But Tolerance, though slow in flight, is strong-wing’d in the main;
That night must come on these fine days, in course of time was plain;
The pure old spirit struggled, but its struggles were in vain;
A nation’s grip was on it, and it died in choking pain,
With the fine old English Tory days,
All of the olden time.
The bright old day now dawns again; the cry runs through the land,
In England there shall be dear bread—in Ireland, sword and brand;
And poverty, and ignorance, shall swell the rich and grand,
So, rally round the rulers with the gentle iron hand,
Of the fine old English Tory days;
Hail to the coming time!
W.

II.—THE QUACK DOCTOR’S PROCLAMATION

THE QUACK DOCTOR’S PROCLAMATION
Tune—‘A Cobbler there was’

An astonishing doctor has just come to town,
Who will do all the faculty perfectly brown:
He knows all diseases, their causes, and ends;
And he begs to appeal to his medical friends.
Tol de rol:
Diddle doll:
Tol de rol, de dol,
Diddle doll
Tol de rol doll.
He’s a magnetic doctor, and knows how to keep
The whole of a Government snoring asleep
To popular clamours; till popular pins
Are stuck in their midriffs—and then he begins
Tol de rol.

He’s a clairvoyant subject, and readily reads
His countrymen’s wishes, condition, and needs,
With many more fine things I can’t tell in rhyme,
—And he keeps both his eyes shut the whole of the time.
Tol de rol.
You mustn’t expect him to talk; but you’ll take
Most particular notice the doctor’s awake,
Though for aught from his words or his looks that you reap, he
Might just as well be most confoundedly sleepy.
Tol de rol.
Homœopathy, too, he has practised for ages
(You’ll find his prescriptions in Luke Hansard’s pages),
Just giving his patient when maddened by pain,—
Of Reform the ten thousandth part of a grain.
Tol de rol.
He’s a med’cine for Ireland, in portable papers;
The infallible cure for political vapours;
A neat label round it his ’prentices tie—
‘Put your trust in the Lord, and keep this powder dry!’
Tol de rol.

He’s a corn doctor also, of wonderful skill,
—No cutting, no rooting-up, purging, or pill—
You’re merely to take, ’stead of walking or riding,
The sweet schoolboy exercise—innocent sliding.
Tol de rol.
There’s no advice gratis. If high ladies send
His legitimate fee, he’s their soft-spoken friend.
At the great public counter with one hand behind him,
And one in his waistcoat, they’re certain to find him.
Tol de rol.
He has only to add he’s the real Doctor Flam,
All others being purely fictitious and sham;
The house is a large one, tall, slated, and white,
With a lobby; and lights in the passage at night.
Tol de rol:
Diddle doll:
Tol de rol, de dol,
Diddle doll
Tol de rol doll.
W.