In these more sober hours we would seek God for his protection with sincere, heartfelt pledges that some day we would serve him. God heard these prayers and gave his protection. We now in reviewing the scenes of those early days see the many snares and dangers Satan had arranged for our destruction, but out of them all the Lord delivered us. Bless his name! There was one instance of God hearing our prayer, though in what may be considered a trivial matter, yet made a deep impression upon us and went far to enforce upon us the reality of God and his Word.
One night we had a journey of several miles to make on horseback. It was nine o'clock when we started. After traveling about two miles our horse became very lame. In our pity for him we dismounted and throwing the reins over the saddle started the horse on before us. After some two or three miles of traveling thus, our horse seemed much improved. For the purpose of faster travel, we concluded to again ride. Our attempts to catch the horse seemed in vain. Repeatedly we tried to come up with him, but when we had come near he would trot on before. After many unsuccessful trials it occurred to our mind that we should ask God to aid us. Accordingly the Father was implored [pg 500] to cause the horse to stand that we might come up with him. Although not a Christian we believed there was help in God, and trusting in him we approached the animal, speaking to him as we had before, when he stopped and we mounting continued our lonely journey in deep and solemn thought of the verity of God.
In the winter of 1886-87 we became very much concerned about our soul. A revival meeting was in progress in the little village in which we lived. They did not teach salvation by grace through faith as was taught by the apostles, but we, knowing no better, and wanting to escape the damnation of hell, and hoping for an avenue of escape, concluded to take this. Accordingly we gave the minister our hand one night, and answered in the affirmative his few questions concerning our belief in God. On our way home we were baptized, for we were taught that the water washed away sins. During the days following we kept a close watch upon our heart and life to learn if there was any change. We were disappointed. We found that sin held the same power over us. There remained the same uncertainty of our eternal state. The thoughts of death had lost none of their fear, and the grave none of its terror. We were troubled. Here we had entered, as we hoped, a path that led to heaven, but yet all was dark and uncertain. O God, is this all of thy kingdom upon the earth?
I would question the older members of our congregation [pg 501] about their experience. Should you be called for to-night to depart this life are you fully assured that your home will be in heaven? Have you no fear to meet God? They would answer me thus: “We can never know in this life just what the decision of the Great Judge will be until we come before his awful tribunal. In this world we can only go on the best we can, and hope for the most in the judgment.”
This was sad news to my soul. Is this all there is in a Christian life? Where is the great peace, the joy, the bright hope and positiveness promised in the Bible? But thinking these old heads knew all about the Christian life, I endeavored to console myself and calm my fears. I very poorly succeeded, for which I now praise God.
One instance occurred at this time that troubled me very greatly. One night after retiring we heard a shout of “Fire! fire!” upon the street. On rushing to the door and looking up the whole heavens above us seemed to be one burning flame. All was on fire. The first thought that came to our mind was, It is the last night of this world. The earth, and all its works, is burning up. A great fear came upon me. Whither shall I go, and whither shall I flee from His presence? The cause of alarm proved to be a burning building over a hill, casting the reflection on the dark clouds over us. We read in the Bible of a class unfit and unprepared for heaven, that would in that day call for the mountains and the hills to fall upon [pg 502] them to hide them from God's presence. Here we, trying and claiming to be a Christian, experienced just what was said should be the experience of the wicked, and my soul was alarmed. Earnest became our efforts to live a better life. Fierce was our struggle against sin, deep and firm would be the resolutions, but sin was a hard, strong master, who ground us beneath his iron heel. We sought every known means for relief, walking for miles to hear a sermon to learn of a more successful life.
Often in these days of struggle would I become unpleasant in my home. Should my children be a little trying, I would speak to them in a cross, snappish way. I would see them stand back in fear before my harsh voice, and this would sting my conscience. A child in fear of its father! how unchristianlike! When my wife, whom I had vowed to love always, would not do according to my judgment I would hastily reprove in strong language. We would see the tears start from her eyes, and again our conscience would be heavily smitten. Resolve after resolve was made to be more tender and kind to our dear ones, only to be broken by the power of impatience.
In our efforts to become more gentle and tender we often would read an article in an old school-reader entitled “Sorrow for the Dead.” In this the writer said words like these, to the best of our remembrance: “As we look upon the cold, lifeless [pg 503] form of some dear, departed friend, there will come rushing to our memory, the unkind acts and deeds and thoughts we have had toward them. This remorse of conscience,” he said, “should cause us to be more true to the living.” We often would read this, and did receive some benefit from it for the time, but we found it powerless to conquer an irritable disposition. We can not forbear telling the reader here, although it is a little in the advance, that the day came when we found the Savior in the wonders of his redeeming love and he broke the power of sin, and by his grace did strengthen and help us to be “true to the living.” Glory, glory to his name!
It was in the summer of 1890 that the struggle became very desperate. The convicting hand of God lay heavily upon me. The burden of sin lay heavily upon my soul, especially the sin of tobacco using. We had no man to teach us. None seemed to care, nor pity. God, however, was humbling us down to a final decision. One late October morning on our way to the schoolroom, as we were teaching at that time, all alone upon the road, God spoke peace to our soul. Where is the pen to describe the experience of that hour! Mine, it seems, is utterly helpless. We were conscious of a life, power and glory, not terrestrial, filling our entire being. The earth was lit up with a splendor never seen before. In our days of deepest conviction we would picture to our mind the happiness of angels, but here we had come to the realization of [pg 504] something that far surpassed all we had imagined of the heavenly host. We felt like we wanted to sing and praise God forever. Wife had received a similar experience in her home a few days before. Our home at once became a heaven. We remembered in pity those who had endeavored to comfort us in our fears and tell us there was no better way.
Two weeks passed of uninterrupted glory. However, one morning after about two weeks, when doing some work which went wrong, we were strongly tempted to speak as we had formerly done on such occasions, but we overcame. The second time the work went wrong as previously, when the temptation came stronger than before. We felt something unpleasant within us; however, God helped us to overcome, and we set to doing the work over, when it went wrong the third time. This time we were overcome and gave utterance to a word that brought a sense of guilt. No sooner had we spoken than we fell upon our knees and did not arise until we knew we were forgiven. By this experience we became conscious of a foe within us that was going to give us trouble in the Christian life.