day before, on the ground that it was of a different color, or under color that the leather had a different ground, I forget which. In talking I let fall the word kesef (silver). In an instant Ben had taken my hand, and said Sholem aleichum, and “Can you talk Spanish?”—which was to show that he was superfine Sephardi, and not common Ashkenaz.
“Yes,” resumed the crocus-fakir; “a man must be able to talk English very fluently, pronounce it correctly, and, above all things, keep his temper, if he would do anything that requires chanting or pattering. How did I learn it? A man can learn to do anything when it’s business and his living depends on it. The people who crowd around me in the streets cannot pronounce English decently; not one in a thousand here can say laugh, except as a sheep says it. Suppose that you are a Cheap Jack selling things from a van. About once in an hour some tipsy fellow tries to chaff you. He hears your tongue going, and that sets his off. He hears the people laugh at your jokes, and he wants them to laugh at his. When you say you’re selling to raise money for a burned-out widow, he asks if she isn’t your wife. Then you answer him, ‘No, but the kind-hearted old woman who found you on the door-step and brought you up to the begging business.’ If you say you are selling goods under cost, it’s very likely some yokel will cry out, ‘Stolen, hey?’ And you patter as quick as lightning, ‘Very likely; I thought your wife sold ’em to me too cheap for the good of somebody’s clothes-line.’ If you show yourself his superior in language awd wit, the people will buy better; they always prefer a gentleman to a cad. Bless me! why, a swell in a dress-coat and kid gloves, with good patter and hatter, can
sell a hundred rat-traps while a dusty cad in a flash kingsman would sell one. As for the replies, most of them are old ones. As the men who interrupt you are nearly all of the same kind, and have heads of very much the same make, with an equal number of corners, it follows that they all say nearly the same things. Why, I’ve heard two duffers cry out the same thing at once to me. So you soon have answers cut and dried for them. We call ’em cocks, because they’re just like half-penny ballads, all ready printed, while the pitcher always has the one you want ready at his finger-ends. It is the same in all canting. I knew a man once who got his living by singing of evenings in the gaffs to the piano, and making up verses on the gentlemen and ladies as they came in; and very nice verses he made, too,—always as smooth as butter. How do you do it? I asked him one day. ‘Well, you wouldn’t believe it,’ said he; ‘but they’re mostly cocks. The best ones I buy for a tanner [sixpence] apiece. If a tall gentleman with a big beard comes in, I strike a deep chord and sing,—
“‘This tall and handsome party,
With such a lot of hair,
Who seems so grand and hearty,
Must be a militaire;
We like to see a swell come
Who looks so distingué,
So let us bid him welcome,
And hope he’ll find us gay.’
“The last half can be used for anybody. That’s the way the improvisatory business is managed for visitors. Why, it’s the same with fortune-telling. You have noticed that. Well, if the Gorgios had, it would have been all up with the fake long ago. The old woman has the same sort of girls come to her
with the same old stories, over and over again, and she has a hundred dodges and gets a hundred straight tips where nobody else would see anything; and of course she has the same replies all ready. There is nothing like being glib. And there’s really a great deal of the same in the regular doctor business, as I know, coming close on to it and calling myself one. Why, I’ve been called into a regular consultation in Chicago, where I had an office,—’pon my honor I was, and no great honor neither. It was all patter, and I pattered ’em dumb.”
I began to think that the fakir could talk forever and ever faster. If he excelled in his business, he evidently practiced at all times to do so. I intimated as much, and he at once proceeded fluently to illustrate this point also.
“You hear men say every day that if they only had an education they would do great things. What it would all come to with most of them is that they would talk so as to shut other men up and astonish ’em. They have not an idea above that. I never had any schooling but the roads and race-grounds, but I can talk the hat off a lawyer, and that’s all I can do. Any man of them could talk well if he tried; but none of them will try, and as they go through life, telling you how clever they’d have been if somebody else had only done something for them, instead of doing something for themselves. So you must be going. Well, I hope I shall see you again. Just come up when you’re going by and say that your wife was raised from the dead by my Elixir, and that it’s the best medicine you ever had. And if you want to see some regular tent gypsies, there’s a camp of them now just four miles from here; real old style
Romanys. Go out on the road four miles, and you’ll find them just off the side,—anybody will show you the place. Sarishan!”
I was sorry to read in the newspaper, a few days after, that the fakir had been really arrested and imprisoned for selling a quack medicine. For in this land of liberty it makes an enormous difference whether you sell by advertisement in the newspapers or on the sidewalk, which shows that there is one law for the rich and another for the poor, even in a republic.