Jack Hinton: The Guardsman

by Charles James Lever

'Is this a fast, Father Loftus?' said I slyly.

'No, my son, but we'll make it one. That reminds me of what happened to me going up in the boat. It was a Friday, and the dinner, as you may suppose, was not over-good; but there was a beautiful cut of fried salmon just before me—about a pound and a half, maybe two pounds; this I slipped quietly on my plate, observing to the company, in this way, “Ladies and gentlemen, this is a fast day with me”—when a big fellow, with red whiskers, stooped across the table, cut my bit of fish in two halves, calling out as he carried off one, “Bad scran to ye! d'ye think nobody has a soul to be saved but yourself?”'

'Ah, they're a pious people, are the Irish!' said the Major solemnly, 'and you'll remark that when you see more of them. And now, Captain, how do you like us here?'

'Exceedingly,' said I, with warmth. 'I have had every reason to be greatly pleased with Ireland.'

'That's right! and I'm glad of it! though, to be sure, you have not seen us in our holiday garb. Ah, if you were here before the Union; if you saw Dublin as I remember it—and Tom there remembers it—“that was a pleasant place.” It was not trusting to balls and parties, to dinners and routs, but to all kinds of fun and devilment besides. All the members of Parliament used to be skylarking about the city, playing tricks on one another, and humbugging the Castle people. And, to be sure, the Castle was not the grave, stupid place it is now—they were convivial, jovial fellows——'

'Come, come, Major,' interrupted I; 'you are really unjust—the present court is not the heavy——'

'Sure, I know what it is well enough. Hasn't the duke all the privy council and the bishops as often to dinner as the garrison and the bar? Isn't he obliged to go to his own apartment when they want to make a night of it, and sing a good chorus? Don't tell me! Sure, even as late as Lord Westmorland's time it was another thing—pleasant and happy times they were, and the country will never be the same till we have them back again!'

Being somewhat curious to ascertain in what particular our degeneracy consisted—for in my ignorance of better, I had hitherto supposed the present regime about as gay a thing as need be—I gradually led the Major on to talk of those happier days when Ireland kept all its fun for home consumption, and never exported even its surplus produce.

'It was better in every respect,' responded the Major. 'Hadn't we all the patronage amongst us? There's Jonah, there—Harrington, I mean; well, he and I could make anything, from a tide-waiter to a master in Chancery. It's little trouble small debts gave us then; a pipe of sherry never cost me more than a storekeeper in the ordnance, and I kept my horses at livery for three years with a washwoman to Kilmainham Hospital And as for fun—look at the Castle now! Don't I remember the times when we used to rob the coaches coming from the drawing-rooms; and pretty girls they were inside of them.'

'For shame, for shame!' cried Father Tom, with a sly look in the corner of his eye that by no means bespoke a suitable degree of horror at such unwarrantable proceedings.