“And you would have married a man you could not love—a decrepit old man, whose very attentions must have been odious to you?”
“I never forgot the misery I was reared in. I shrank with terror at the thought of going back to it. I used to dream of cold, and want, and privation. I used to ramble in my sleep about the weary load I had to carry up the slippery rocks with bleeding feet, and then wake to see myself waited on like a queen, my slightest word obeyed, my merest whim fulfilled. Are these small things?—or, if they be, what are the great ones?”
“The great ones are a fearless heart and a loving nature!” said Harry, fiercely; and his dark face almost grew purple as he darted an angry look at her.
“So they are,” said she, calmly. “I had them once, too; but I had to lay them down—lay them down as stakes on the table for the prize. I played for.”
“Oh, this is too bad—too sordid!” cried he, madly.
“Say on, you cannot speak more cruelly than I have spoken to my own heart. All these have I told myself over and over!”
“Forgive me, my dear Cousin Kate, but if you knew with what agony your words wring me——”
“I can believe it, Harry; better and purer natures than mine could not stand the test of such confessions, but you would have them, remember that. You said, ‘No concealments,’ and now you are shocked at the naked truth. With very little aid from self-deception, I could have given you a more flattering view of my heart and its affections. I could have told you, as I often told myself, that I wished to be better—that I longed to be better—that the only ones I ever envied were those whose fate entailed no such struggle as mine—a struggle, remember, not to gain smooth water and a calmer sea, but to save life—to escape drowning! To fall from the high place I held, was to fall to the lowest depth of all! I had plenty of such casuistry as this ready, had you asked for it. You preferred to have me truthful, you ought not to shrink from the price!”
“Had you no friend to counsel—to guide you?” “None.”
“Was there none to take you away from the danger you lived in?” “I could have gone back to the cabin I came from; do you think I was well suited to meet its hardships?”