Oh! what joy I felt at this simple, but sublime truth! But it was the will of God that this joy should be short. It suddenly went away with the beautiful light which had caused it; and my poor soul was again wrapped in the most awful darkness. How ever profound that darkness was, a still darker object presented itself before my mind. It was as a very high mountain; but not composed of sand or stones, it was the mountain of my sins. I saw them all standing before me. And still more horrified was I when I saw it moving towards me as if, with a mighty hand, to crush me. I tried to escape, but in vain. I felt tied to the floor, and the next moment, it had rolled over me. I felt as crushed under its weight; for it was as heavy as granite. I could scarcely breathe! My only hope was to cry to God for help. With a loud voice, heard by many in the hotel, I cried: “O my God! have mercy upon me! My sins are destroying me! I am lost, save me!” But it seemed God could not hear me. The mountain was between, to prevent my cries from reaching Him, and to hide my tears. I suddenly thought that God would have nothing to do with such a sinner, but to open the gates of hell to throw me into that burning furnace prepared for his enemies, and which I had so richly deserved!
I was mistaken, after eight or ten minutes of unspeakable agony, the rays of a new and beautiful light began to pierce through the dark cloud which hung over me. In that light, I clearly saw my Saviour. There he was, bent under the weight of his heavy cross. His face was covered with blood, the crown of thorns was on his head and the nails in his hands. He was looking at me with an expression of compassion, of love, which no tongue can describe. Coming to me, he said: “I have heard thy cries, I have seen thy tears, I come to offer myself to thee as a Gift. I offer thee my blood and my bruised body as a Gift to pay thy debts; wilt thou give me thy heart? Wilt thou take my Word for the only lamp of thy feet and the only light of thy path? I bring thee eternal life, as a gift!”
I answered: “Dear Jesus, how sweet art thy words to my soul! Speak, oh! speak again! Yes, beloved Saviour, I want to love thee; but dost thou not see that mountain which is crushing me? Oh! remove it! Take away my sins!”
I had not done speaking when I saw his mighty hand stretched out. He touched the mountain, and it rolled into the deep, and disappeared. At the same time, I felt as if a shower of the blood of the Lamb were falling upon me to purify my soul. And, suddenly, my humble room was transformed into a real paradise. The angels of God could not be more happy than I was in that most mysterious and blessed hour of my life. With an unspeakable joy, I said to my Saviour: “Dear Jesus, the Gift of God, I accept thee! Thou hast offered the pardon of my sins as a gift, I accept the gift. Thou hast brought me eternal life as a gift! I accept it! Thou hast redeemed and saved me, beloved Saviour, I know, I feel it. But this is not enough. I do not want to be saved alone. Save my people also. Save my whole country! I feel rich and happy in that gift; grant me to show its beauty and preciousness, to my people, that they may accept it, and rejoice in its possession.”
This sudden revelation of that marvellous truth of salvation as a Gift, had so completely transformed me, that I felt quite a new man. The unutterable distress of my soul had been changed into an unspeakable joy. My fears had gone away, to be replaced by a courage and strength, such as I had never experienced. The Popes, with their bishops and priests, and millions of abject slaves might, now, attack me, I felt that I was a match for them all. My great ambition was to go back to my people and tell them what the Lord had done to save my soul. I washed my tears away, paid my bill and took the train which brought me back into the midst of my dear countrymen. At that very same hour they were anxious and excited, for they had just received, at Kankakee City, a telegram from the Bishop of Dubuque, telling them: “Turn away your priest, for he has refused to give me an unconditional act of submission.”
They had gathered in great numbers to hear the reading of that strange message. But they unanimously said: “If Mr. Chiniquy has refused to give an unconditional act of submission, he has done right, we will stand by him to the end.” However, I knew nothing of that admirable resolution. I arrived at St. Anne, on a Sabbath day, at the hour of the morning service. There was an immense crowd at the door of the chapel. They rushed to me and said: “You are just coming from the bishop; what good news have you to bring us?”
I answered: “No news here, my good friends, come to the chapel and I will tell you what the Lord has done for my soul.”
When they had filled the large building, I told them.
“Our Saviour, the day before his death, said to his disciples: ‘I will be a scandal to you, this night.’ I must tell you the same thing. I will be, to-day, I fear, the cause of a great scandal to every one of you. But, as the scandal which Christ gave to his disciples, has saved the world; I hope that, by the great mercy of God, the scandal I will give you will save you. I was your pastor till yesterday? But I have no more that honor to-day, for I have broken the ties by which I was bound as a slave at the feet of the bishops and of the Pope.”
This sentence was scarcely finished, when a universal cry of surprise and sadness filled the church. “Oh! what does that mean?” exclaimed the congregation.