Lady—Here's Your Wreath

by Chase James

I’d been in some nasty corners during my career as a journalist, and I’d been in plenty of rough houses as well, but this was the first time I’d mixed it with a woman, and I should just like to place it on record that I sincerely hope it will be the last.

I can look after myself when it comes to an all-in scrap with a man. I know most of the dodges they get up to and I know most of the answers, but when a blonde fury comes at you I was up-creek without a paddle.

I see now that I could have saved myself a hell of a lot of trouble if I’d socked her on the button and finished it there and then, but I was crazy enough to treat her light.

She came at me with her arms whirring around like the blade of a propeller and her eyes blazing. I tried to grab her arms, but got nowhere. The weight of her body struck me like a small shell, and I went over with her on top of me. The bed was in the way and I got myself wedged between the wall and the bed. A sweet position to be in with a hell-cat on top of you.

She came down on me, her hands clawing at my throat. She must have weighed around a hundred and forty pounds, and that’s no joke to have dropped on you from above.

I managed to grab her wrists, and, by exerting a lot of beef, held her. Get the picture if you can. There I was, lying flat on my back, wedged between the wall and the bed, with Blondie on top of me, her wrists held, looking as if she’d start murder any minute.

I said with a gasp, “Relax, sister, this ain’t the way for a lady to behave.”

For an answer the hell-cat butted me in the face with her head. Maybe she did have blonde curls, but her head was as hard as concrete. She must have knocked herself a bit silly, but it was nothing to what she did to my mug. I felt the blood start from my nose and I thought my front teeth were coming through my top lip.

I got as mad as a coon, and, shifting my grip on one of her wrists, I socked her as hard as I could on the jaw. If you’ve ever tried to hit anyone, lying on your back, and wedged tight, you will know how difficult it is, but I managed to get a little steam through, sufficiently hard to send her backwards.

That just gave me time to struggle into a sitting position and sock her again as she came at me. This time I gave her a good one, but I hit her on the shoulder, so although it got rid of her it didn’t stop her.