She shook her head. “No,” she said, “I guess not. I guess I’m finished with that stuff. I’m going on talking until I’ve said my piece. I’ve waited long enough.”
Benny reached for a cigarette. He lit it, noting that his hands shook a little.
Sadie hugged her knees, looking over the top of them at him.
There was a long pause, then she went on: “I’ve kidded myself until I just can’t kid myself any longer. I thought you were a great guy, Benny, honest I did. I thought the world of you. It’s not your fault, it’s just that I’ve been kidding myself. You’re not a great guy. You’ll never be a great guy. You’ve got something that’s stopping you. You want things. You work hard for them, and then you throw them away. You haven’t got any feeling for something you’ve won, only for something you’re winning. You got me. I know you didn’t have to work hard. I met you halfway. I wanted you too. But I wanted you in a way that you didn’t understand. I wanted you to keep. I wanted you in the morning as well as at night. I wanted to go places with you. I wanted you to eat with, to talk with, and to laugh with; but not you, Benny. You didn’t want that.”
Benny said between his teeth, “I think you’d better stop.”
But she went on, as if he hadn’t spoken. “Do you think it’s fun for me to hear all about the other dames?
Don’t I keep myself nice? At first, it hurt. Then I got thinking, wondering why I couldn’t hold you. I looked at myself. I gave you everything I had. I even did things you wanted me to because I thought you’d be satisfied, but you weren’t. When you wanted me, I got to wondering if you were using me and thinking of some other woman you’d seen in the street on the way home. All women are alike in the dark, aren’t they, Benny? Well, I’m sick of it. I’m not doing it any more. Go out and have them, Benny, go out and have them.”
Benny said, “Have you finished?”
She shrugged. “Don’t get mad. It doesn’t do any good. Let’s face it. One day you’ll want to make a move.
One day when I’m not nice any more. Then you’ll make a move. You won’t just look and talk, you’ll sneak off and do things. I’m not waiting for that, Benny. I want the break to come now, not when I can’t fight it.”