Jim’s face brightened a little at this. “I’m much obliged. It might be sent to me, and it might be sent to the jailer or the sheriff. You’d better ask for all of us.”
VI
“That whiskey makes me feel better. I’ve been takin’ a good deal tonight and I s’pose I’ll take more in the mornin’. That’s one reason why I’m drinkin’ so much now. First I thought I wouldn’t take any tomorrow—or—I guess it’s today, ain’t it? It don’t seem possible; but I s’pose it is. I thought I’d show the newspapers and people that’s been tellin’ what a coward I was to kill a woman! but now I think I’ll take all I possibly can. I guess that’s the best way. It don’t make no difference—if I take it they’ll say I’m a coward and if I don’t, it’s only bravado. Most people takes so much that they almost have to be carried up, and they don’t hardly know. I guess that’s the best way. Some people take somethin’ to have a tooth pulled, and I don’t see why they shouldn’t for a thing like this. Mebbe the whiskey makes me talk more’n I meant to, and tell you a lot of things that hain’t nothin’ to do with the case, but it’s pretty hard for me to tell what has and what hain’t.
“After I got her laid out and the floor cleaned, I set down a minute to think what I’d do next. First I thought I’d go in and get the kid and take him away, and leave her there, and I guess now that would have been the best way, and they wouldn’t found it out so quick. But then I thought the people next door, or the postman, or milkman, or somebody, would come along in the mornin’ and find her there, and I couldn’t get far with the kid. Besides I only had about ten dollars and I knew that wouldn’t last long. Then I thought I’d just go out and jump onto one of the freight trains they was makin’ up in the yards, and leave her and the kid both; then I couldn’t bear to think of him wakin’ up and comin’ out into the settin’ room and findin’ her there. He wouldn’t know what it meant and would be scart to death and ‘twouldn’t be right. Then so long as I couldn’t do either one, I had to get her out, but I didn’t know how to do it, and what was I goin’ to do with her when I got her out. First I thought I’d try to put her in the sewer, and then I knew someone would find her there for that had been tried before; then I studied to see what else I could think of.
“Finally I happened to remember a place she and I went once picnickin’, just after we was married. I don’t know how I happened to remember it, ‘cept that I couldn’t think of anything to do, and then I was kind of goin’ over our life, and it seemed as if that was the nicest day we ever had. One of the boys had been tellin’ me about the new street car lines that run way off down through Pullman and South Chicago, and out into the country, and how nice it was out there away from all the houses. So one Sunday we went over to the street cars and started out. I don’t know whether we found the right place or not, but I remember just when we was goin’ to turn somewhere to go to Pullman or South Chicago we saw some trees off in a field, and thought that would be a nice place to go and set in the shade and eat the lunch we’d brought along. So we went over under the trees, and then I saw some rock further over, and then she and I went over where they was and there was a great deep pond with big stones all ‘round the edge. I heard that it was an old stone quarry that had got filled up with water. But it was awful deep and big, and we set down under a little tree on top of one of them big rocks and let our feet hang over the sides, and the water was way down below, and I said to her just in fun, ‘Now, if I wanted to get rid of you, I could just push you over here and no one would ever know anything about it.’ She kind of laughed at the idea and said if I ever wanted to get rid of her I wouldn’t have to push her off any rock, that she’d go and jump in somewhere herself, and I told her if I ever wanted her to I’d let her know, and for her to just wait till I did. And we went all ‘round the pond, and I threw stones in it and tried to see how near across I could throw, and we stayed ‘round until it was time to take the car and go home. And I don’t believe I ever had a better time. Now and then when we was friendly or had got over a fight, we used to talk about goin’ back there again, but we never did.
“Well, after thinkin’ of ever’thing I could, I made up my mind that the best thing was for me to put her on the express wagon and take her out there, if I could find the place. I didn’t believe anybody would ever know anything about it, and if they did ‘twould be a long time and they wouldn’t know who she was.
“Then I thought it might be dangerous gettin’ her out of the house and gettin’ the wagon out on the street that time of night. If anyone seen us they’d be suspicious and want to know what I was doin’, and then I was afraid the policeman would be watchin’ for suspicious people and things along the street. But I didn’t see anything else to do, and I knew I had to take chances anyway and would most likely get caught in the end. I looked at the clock and found ‘twas only ten, and I felt as if that was too early to start out. The people next door wouldn’t be abed and if they ever saw me carryin’ her out they couldn’t help noticin’ it. So I set down and waited. You hain’t no idea how slow the time goes in such a case. I just set and heard that clock tick, and the boy breathin’ in the other room; it seemed as if every tick was just fetchin’ me that much nearer to the end—and I s’pose mebbe that’s so, whether we’ve killed anyone or not, but you don’t never think of it unless it’s some place where you’re waitin’ for someone to die, or somethin’ like that. Then of course I kept thinkin’ of ever’thing in my whole life, and I went over again how I’d done it, but I couldn’t make it come out any different no matter how hard I tried.
“Then I wondered what I was goin’ to do next, and how long ‘twould be before they’d ketch me, and if I’d stand any show to get out, if I got ketched. Of course, I thought I’d have to run away. I never seemed to think of anything but that. I guess ever’body runs away when they do any such thing; ‘tain’t so much bein’ safer, but they want to get away. It don’t seem as if they’d ever be any chance anymore where it’s done. But I couldn’t just figger out where to go. Of course, I knew I’d take the cars. There ain’t any other way to travel if you want to go quick. Then I thought I’d have a long enough time to figger it out while I was takin’ that drive down across the prairie. Anyhow I’d need somethin’ to think about while I was goin’.
“That feller that talked to us in the jail said the real reason why they hung people and locked ‘em up was to get even with ‘em, to make ‘em suffer because they’d done somethin’. He said all the smart men who’d studied books claimed that hangin’ and punishin’ didn’t keep other people from doin’ things. But if it’s done to make anyone suffer they ain’t any use in doin’ it at all. I never suffered so much since as I did when I was settin’ there and thinkin’ all about it, and what I was goin’ to do, and what would become of the kid, and how she was dead, and ever’thing else. You know it takes quite a while to get used to a thing like that, and while I was settin’ there beginnin’ to realize what it all meant, it was awful! If I’d only had the nerve I’d just cut my throat and fell right over alongside of her. A good many people does that and I wish I could’ve. But every time I thought of it I kind of hung back. I don’t ever want any more such nights; I’d rather they’d hang me and be done with it. I didn’t suffer so much when I was runnin’ away or gettin’ caught, or bein’ tried; even when I was waitin’ for the verdict to come in; nor I didn’t suffer so much waitin’ for the Supreme Court or the Governor, or even since they give up hope and I can hear ‘em puttin’ that thing up over there in the courtyard.