While young men engage in intimacies because of the hormones pulsing through their bodies and because it makes them feel more “grown up,” girls engage for somewhat different reasons, though thrill is a factor. Girls in their teens do not have nearly as high a sex drive as boys of the same age. Whereas a man reaches the height of his sexual vigor at around eighteen, a girl does not reach hers until around twenty-eight. This is largely because of the different conditioning boys and girls get. Girls lead more sheltered, guarded lives and thus develop many more repressions and inhibitions about sex than men.
Most girls who start to pet in their teens do so because they are afraid they won’t be asked for dates if they don’t pet. They give kisses as rewards to the boy for taking them to the dance. It is believed that at least one-half of female sex delinquents get little or no pleasure from the sex activity. They indulge primarily to get something else they want: the prestige and pleasure of having dates. This behavior puts sex on a very low plane. The prostitute herself is rarely motivated by excessive sex feeling. Rather she does it to obtain certain other things she considers important, such as spending money, gowns, cosmetics, etc.
Some girls think that because of the surplus of women over men they must be aggressive if they are to get dates, and consider bold petting one of the most effective techniques of aggression. Actually aggression of any kind usually has an adverse effect on a man, and the emotions generated in the girl by petting may lead to a sense of insecurity and a feeling of frustration.
It would be pointless to advise that young people should never neck or pet, because the facts show that the vast majority of young people engage in necking and petting to some extent. But what can be said for and against unmarried couples practicing complete physical intimacy before marriage? What arguments have been advanced in favor of it?
First we have heard it said that premarital sexual relations assist in the wise choice of a mate. You know what you are getting. You will know better whether you and the mate would be compatible sexually. One religious sect in this country takes a unique view on premarital experience. Couples do not marry until a child is conceived. In this way the groom-to-be can rest assured his bride-to-be can bear him children. The trouble here is that many premarital sex experiences of the modern couple are engaged in under circumstances that are hardly favorable to the flowering of sexual desires and their satisfaction. When intimacy is accompanied by feelings of fear or guilt or shame—as is frequently the case in premarital affairs—permanent scars are left on the participants. Usually a person can get just as accurate a clue of what married love would be with a specific individual by petting and conversation rather than by complete intimacy with its usual aftermath of shame and guilt.
Another argument often mentioned in favor of premarital sex relations is that it is dangerous to one’s health to wait. This argument is based on the well-known fact that most young people are mature enough physically to marry several years before economic factors make marriage advisable. So why wither away while waiting? They point to the spinsters who shrivel up for lack of love. This is only a half truth because, as you will see later in this chapter, there are other outlets for sexual feeling available in addition to coitus. These may not be as pleasurable but they are virtually as effective. The withered spinsters are that way because they employ no outlets whatsoever.
On the other side—the reasons why complete intimacy is ill-advised before marriage—we have first of all the fact that society frowns on such intimacy. Even though the practice is widespread it is still illicit love, with all the psychological problems it involves. The idea that the bride and groom be virgins at the start of their marriage is the product of the experience of most civilized peoples. That in itself should mean something. Undisciplined sexual expression has always been found to be destructive to the social group that permits it to take place.
Next, while it can be seriously debated whether complete intimacy hurts or helps an engaged couple planning early marriage, there is no question how it affects persons indulging on a casual basis. We have authoritative information on this point. In one carefully conducted research, the records of twenty-five girls were picked at random—girls who, according to their test scorings, were unconventional and generally unstable emotionally. These girls were carefully interviewed. Of the twenty-five, twenty-one admitted to the counselors that they had been intimate with one or more men during the preceding two years! That is persuasive proof that promiscuous persons are usually also unstable emotionally. And being unstable emotionally they are very poor prospects for marriage.
Finally here are some specific dangers that every person considering complete intimacy before marriage should be aware of:
—Possible pregnancy, and a forced and hasty marriage.