Let’s look at the “improver.” It has been found that such a person is rarely the happily adjusted, emotionally mature person. Rather he could stand some self-improvement himself. Usually he is trying to improve the other either because of his own underlying feeling of inferiority, or because it gives him a mean, petty advantage over the other.
If after reading the above you still feel that your own mate or prospective mate has faults that could well be improved, why don’t you try one of these tacks?
First, remember that if you maintain high standards yourself your mate will gradually rise to them. Set a good example. Couples grow more alike every day they are married.
If you are anxious to have immediate results, use indirect rather than direct suggestions. A wife, for example, might say to her husband that she appreciates the fact that he has been more considerate of her during the past few days. This may be hokum. But even though he has not been any more considerate, the compliment will encourage him to be more considerate in the future.
Or suppose that a man thinks his fiancée shows appalling taste in her clothes. A frontal criticism would wound and probably infuriate her. But if he starts out by complimenting her on the few presentable things she wears, he can use them as springboards for getting across to her the kind of clothes she should wear to make herself most appealing to him. Few women can resist such suggestions.
The “Nervous” Mate. Many wives neglect their husbands, and many husbands quarrel with their wives, because they are emotionally insecure. They are at loose ends with themselves. In scientific language, they are maladjusted or neurotic.
Marriage in itself rarely cures an emotionally unstable person. In fact it may aggravate his trouble by adding new frustrations. A person who is unstable before marriage is apt to find that the increased responsibilities and decreased liberty under marriage impose new burdens. His frustrations become aggravated.
Every marriage counselor knows from experience that unhappily married couples usually present difficulties that can be traced to the emotional maladjustment of one or both of the mates. Perhaps the husband flies into a rage if supper is late or if his pipe rack has been moved. But any psychologist knows such tantrums are merely symptoms, symptoms of the man’s basic maladjustment to life. They will appear when he meets any sort of frustration.
If the wife is careful to have supper on time and keep the pipe rack in the same place the eruptions will appear somewhere else. They will appear, that is, unless the husband can get hold of himself and grow up emotionally. This may require help from an experienced psychologist who can get at the roots of the man’s difficulties.