My head-aches, under their different symptoms, had never quitted me. At Manheim I suffered very acute pains. A short time after my arrival at Offenbach, my illness suddenly assumed a character new, insupportable, and alarming. It was then that a universal indisposition, an increasing debility, commenced, which, preventing the employment of the faculties, brought with them a complete disgust of life; then also commenced that sudden trembling in my limbs and in my whole frame: those sudden visits of dimness of sight, which I might call the twinkling of existence. How often in this state, and without taking any notice of it, have I gone to bed with the thought, I had almost said the hope, of awaking no more. Madame Las Cases, in the excess of her anxiety, wished that I should give up every kind of occupation whatever, of which, in fact, I was absolutely incapable; she suppressed my letters, and wrote to the relatives of the Emperor, to apprize them of my real situation, and to prevail upon them to appoint a successor to me in the cares which I had created for myself. For a long time past, as a precaution, I myself had entreated them to join with me a person whose happiness it would have constituted, and the choice of whom would have been agreeable to the Emperor.[[44]] He was then with one of them; but, from one cause or another, this was not done, and necessity compelled me to break off without any provision having been made to supply the deficiency. I exhausted in vain all the aid of medicine; and, if the domestic cares, the tender solicitude, which surrounded me on every side, could have availed, my illness would have been only a blessing, from the pleasure of seeing them lavished upon me. One loves to dwell upon that which was sweet, and I could not assuredly better describe the great interest felt for me, and the nature of the recompense which the sentiments I had shewn, the efforts I had made, had obtained for me, than when I say my little hermitage has been honoured with the presence of three Queens, and, I think, on the same day. Two of them, it is true, had been deposed; but they did not the less command every where at that moment, by the elevation of their minds, the simplicity of their manners, the éclat of their other qualities, a universal respect, at least, as much as at the era of their greatest splendour.
It was at Offenbach that the little colony, which Cardinal Fesch sent to St. Helena, was addressed to me on its way to that place. It consisted of a chaplain, a surgeon, a physician, and a valet de chambre; all chosen by the Cardinal. On my arrival in Europe, I had written to him, to be assured that to send a priest, capable also of writing to dictation, and of assisting a little in business, would be very agreeable to the Emperor; and I had employed his mediation to interest, for that purpose, the conscience of the Holy Father, who, in fact, demanded it of the English Ministers, who had hitherto opposed the measure, or attached to it inadmissible conditions. It was also from Offenbach, that I despatched to Longwood two charming portraits: one, the young Napoleon, painted from the life in the same year, and sent by King Jerome; the other that of the Empress Josephine, by Sain, a present from the Queen Hortense. It was mounted in a magnificent tea-caddy, of crystal. This choice of crystal was a delicate precaution of the Queen’s, who also had the mounting executed in such a manner as to render it impossible to suspect any concealed writing. The former of these two portraits reached its destination. The valet de chambre of the Emperor has since told me, that Napoleon, on perceiving it, seized it with avidity and kissed it. I, who know how reserved the Emperor was, can judge from this circumstance the whole extent of his joy and satisfaction. As to the portrait of the Empress Josephine, it never arrived at Longwood, although, by a singular contrariety, it was found, in consequence of some memorandum, to have paid the custom-house duty on its importation into England.
Towards the end of the summer, Madame Las Cases, by order of the physicians, carried me to the waters of Schwalbach, where I was an object of pity to every one. I returned without having derived any benefit from them; but a circumstance then revived my strength for an instant, and caused me to quit Germany.
All of a sudden, I learnt from the public papers the return of Madame Montholon to Europe; she had been, like myself, repulsed from England, and landed at Ostend. I was not able to resist going to seek authentic details, of which I had so long been deprived. I hastened to rejoin her, whether she should be permitted to stay in the country, or should be forced, after my example, to run up and down the highways, for in that case I should be useful to her; I had had experience.
Travelling with mystery, for I remembered too well all the ill treatment I formerly received in the Netherlands, I joined the Countess of Montholon at Brussels. Not only was she at liberty to reside there, but she had been received with the most particular respect; and a journal of the place having announced that she would be obliged to continue her route, a semi-official article refuted this news, upon this ground, especially, that the Netherlands was the land of hospitality. I wanted no more; Belgium appeared to me nearly as France; in the midst of the Belgians, I should think myself among my countrymen. I wrote, therefore, to Madame Las Cases to acquaint her with our good fortune, and desiring that she might hasten to come and join me. Shunning Brussels, for the same reasons which had made me leave Frankfort, I chose Liege; remembering the kind reception which I had there experienced, at the time of my unfortunate passage, eighteen months before; and I settled there, not without apprehension of some new ill luck. But I was wrong; for I must with truth and gratitude say that, during nearly two years and a half that I have since traversed the country in all directions, without any request, any solicitation, not even a previous announcement, that country, formerly so baneful to me, has ever since been the land of hospitality; never having afterwards had occasion to perceive any authority whatever, otherwise than by the tranquillity, the repose, which I enjoyed under its shade.
Influence and foreign malice had ceased; it was at this time that my son requested leave, anew, and on his own account, to return to Longwood. I have the answer of Lord Bathurst, who refused it. Subsequently, the Princess Pauline, who succeeded in obtaining leave to repair thither, wrote to me to know if my son wished to accompany her: but then, alas! it was too late.
Neither the affection nor the care of my friends at Liege, where I remained the whole winter; nor the rural situation of Chaude-Fontaine, where I spent the spring; nor the generous hospitality of the worthy and excellent proprietor of that charming spot Justlanville, who forced me to accept for the summer, at a few steps from him, the residence called Johan, at the gates of Spa and of Verviers; nor the benevolence of all his family, so numerous, so kind, so respected in the country; were able to ameliorate my condition, or fix my stay. Yet it would be difficult for me to describe, as they deserve, the extreme kindness, the touching dispositions, the sympathetic spirit, of the whole population of these countries, so prosperous, so rich, so flourishing, under the imperial reign, and which continues so grateful.
I spent my second winter at Antwerp, with some sincere friends whom I tenderly love, and whom my arrival on the expedition to Flushing, ten years before, had procured for me; and in the spring I reached Malines, without any particular motive; for I was not able to remain a long time in the same place. I stood in need of change. I was the patient who tosses and turns in his bed, seeking in vain the sweets of sleep. Twice, during the two years in Belgium, Madame Las Cases wished to take me to the south; and twice, at the very moment of setting out, imperative circumstances happened to stop us:—disappointments, however, which were to us so many real favours of fortune. But for the first of them, we should have found ourselves advanced a day’s journey within the frontier, at the very moment of a fatal and sanguinary catastrophe; and, but for the second, we should have arrived at Nice precisely at the moment of the constitutional explosion in Piedmont; and no doubt that, in both cases, and naturally enough, we should have been subjected to at least temporary inconvenience.
Meanwhile the Congress of Laybach was held, and I could not refrain from attempting new solicitations. I addressed a new letter to each of the three high Sovereigns. The following is that to the Emperor Alexander:—
“Sire,—A new and solemn occasion presents itself for preferring to your Majesty my humble and respectful accents. I seize it anew with eagerness.