Meanwhile, time was running on, and I saw no probable termination of my exile. The interval necessary for obtaining a return of communication from England had now expired, and still I heard nothing of my removal. I was seized with profound melancholy, and almost reduced to despair. I suffered severely from continual and violent pains in my stomach. My restlessness at night still continued, my health daily declined, and disease made rapid inroads on my constitution. I was at this time attacked with pains in the head which have never since quitted me.
I have in vain had recourse to the faculty. No remedy has afforded me any immediate relief, and hitherto I have found that the most effectual method is to abstain entirely from medicine.
After my return to France I experienced a considerable improvement in my health. By dint of repose and retirement, I found myself daily gathering strength. But still, whenever I tried to converse for any length of time, or to bend my thoughts to any particular subject, I immediately experienced a recurrence of my disorder.
During the increasing indisposition under which I was labouring at Tygerberg, I wrote to request that the Governor would permit me to return to the town, for the sake of obtaining medical aid. But this request was vain: Lord Charles Somerset now turned a deaf ear to my representations.
In the impatience and irritation excited by the prolongation of my captivity, I several times, during my residence at Tygerberg, resumed, and perhaps in energetic terms, my appeals to the Governor, requesting that he would permit me to return to Europe. I have reason to believe that I succeeded in moving him. Whether from feelings of justice on his part, or from what other cause I know not, but I am sure he was not without hesitation and anxiety respecting me. He probably asked himself whether it was proper in him to become a jailor after the manner of Sir Hudson Lowe? And whether he had a right, after all, to deprive me of my liberty? But whenever he thus wavered, his ill-natured advisers were at hand to confirm him in his resolution of detaining me. “Is he not well lodged and well fed?” said they. “What then has he to complain of? and how has he acknowledged the good treatment he has experienced? By confining himself and refusing to go abroad, in order to give a greater colouring of probability to what he is pleased to call his tyrannical imprisonment.—What have been the expressions of his letters, always so misplaced and so violent?” Every thing was turned to my prejudice, and one circumstance, in particular, was taken advantage of for this purpose. On the arrival of Lord Amherst and Admiral Plampin, Lord Charles Somerset, with the intention probably of affording the strangers an opportunity of seeing and questioning me, sent me, in the midst of my desert at Tygerberg, a formal invitation to a ball, which, as well as I can recollect, was given in honour of the Prince Regent’s birth-day. The messenger was directed to wait for my answer. I wrote it on the card of invitation, and in very decided terms. I was vexed that Lord Charles Somerset seemed to have so little idea of the melancholy situation in which I was placed as to imagine me capable of going to a ball. The persons about the Governor probably insinuated that, if his Excellency had committed a fault in detaining me, it was now too late to remedy it; that the thing was done, and his Lordship would be held responsible for it; that to alter his determination would be an acknowledgment that he did not know how to act; would be condemning himself, &c. I presume, therefore, that it was resolved to run the risk of letting the affair come to a close any way it would.[[29]]
All these adverse circumstances combined to estrange Lord Charles Somerset entirely from me, and so far offended him that, in spite of his natural disposition, he treated me with a degree of inhumanity. I addressed a letter to him, describing the state of my health, and urging the indispensable necessity of my removal to the town. But to this he coolly replied, in a note sent by his Aide-de-camp, that, though he could not alter his arrangements, he had given orders for my obtaining medical attendance. But I was situated at a distance of eight or ten leagues from Cape Town; the Doctor could only visit me once a week; and as he prescribed remedies which could only be procured in the town, their application was impracticable. I lost all patience on reading this answer, which seemed to be an act of cruel irony rather than a measure of relief; and I indignantly addressed a letter directly to the Colonial Secretary. I stated that, “as it was by his direction I had been removed to Mr. Baker’s, I took the liberty of informing him that, as it was absolutely necessary I should be near my medical attendant, I presumed he could have no objection to my removal to the town, to the house of Dr. Leisching, Mr. Baker’s father-in-law.” He replied that he had consulted with the Governor, and that his Excellency had declared that his instructions did not admit of my coming back to Cape Town.
But I determined not to be satisfied with this, and I again wrote to the Colonial Secretary. I informed him that, “in spite of his letter, nothing but absolute force should prevent me from quitting Tygerberg. I was determined to repair to the town, and that the Governor might, if he pleased, confine me there, and even keep me a closer prisoner than I was at Tygerberg, as, at least, I should enjoy the advantage of being within reach of medical advice and remedies; that though perhaps I had no reason to attach great value to existence, yet I felt it to be a kind of duty to defend my life.” Fortunately, the permission for my departure at length arrived from England, just at the very moment when I was about to execute my determination; otherwise I know not how the matter would have ended. The Governor communicated this welcome intelligence to me, accompanied by the offer of a lodging prepared for me in the town. But I declined accepting it, and proceeded, as I had originally intended, to the house of Dr. Leisching, where I experienced all the attention and hospitality of Tygerberg, in a truly patriarchal family, whose society produced a beneficial effect on my health and spirits.
Now commenced a new series of vexations. I was doomed to drain the cup of disappointment to the very dregs. The Governor, when he informed me of my release, mentioned that two opportunities presented themselves for my departure, and he wished me to make choice of one. I immediately replied that the speediest would be the most desirable. I now confidently expected the receipt of my passports, and the final commands of the Governor. I was confined to my bed. Two days elapsed; and in the mean time one of the ships sailed. What was my vexation and disappointment, particularly when I was afterwards informed that the Governor had nothing more to communicate to me; and that I was at liberty to make whatever arrangements I pleased respecting my departure. I vehemently complained that the first opportunity should have been allowed to escape; but for this there was no remedy. A large transport was lying in the harbour, which was destined to convey a regiment of artillery to England. I begged the Governor would permit me to take my passage in this vessel, as there were medical officers on board. His answer was that there was no accommodation for me. In vain I represented that if there had been two additional artillery-officers, they would certainly not have been left behind; that if there were two more sailors to be embarked, they would surely find room for them; and we wanted no better accommodation. All these arguments were unavailing. I was informed that the ship was to touch at St. Helena, and that this circumstance, in itself, would preclude the possibility of my taking my passage on board her. I was compelled to yield, and to confine myself to the choice which the Governor had so generously left me, which was to proceed to Europe by the only ship that was then in the harbour. This was an extremely small brig, an absolute cock-boat, destined to perform a voyage of three thousand leagues. However, I felt no hesitation. I would have leaped into the sea rather than have delayed another moment. The bargain was soon struck, and I was now all impatience for the moment of departure.
The Captain of the brig informed me that he had received orders from the Governor to prohibit me from having any communication on shore, if he should be obliged to touch at any place in the course of the voyage and on reaching England, he was not to suffer me to land until he should previously receive orders from Government. Thus I was absolutely[absolutely] a prisoner in the hands of this man, though I was bound to pay him the sum which he had been pleased to demand for my passage. This circumstance appeared to me so extraordinary that I wished to obtain a confirmation of it, lest it might be the subject of doubt when I should have to relate it. Therefore, when, for the last time, I applied to the Governor for my passports, I called his attention to this extraordinary fact. I begged that he would certify, in his answer to me, that I had myself agreed to pay for my passage on board the brig, which, by his instructions, was now converted into my prison. But, as it may be supposed, I received my passports and nothing more.