I got down here last night and reported back this morning. I found the General of my Division had already applied for me, so I am going back to my old Brigade at the beginning of this week—on the Sunday, I think. To-day is Wednesday, so I haven't lost much time in getting into action. Probably I shall go up to London to-morrow for a two days' leave and meet Eric.
There's just a chance that Reggie may be with us as well, for I've sent him a telegram to say that I'm going to France.
And now, as you may imagine, I am at last happy and self-respecting. I'm going to be a part of the game again and not a pretence-soldier. What's more, I'm going to go straight into a real battle—the biggest of the war. It's really splendid and I feel childishly elated.
Well, I've had a run for my money if any man ever had. The good times in England, France, and America will be worth remembering when I'm again in the fighting. I contrast in my mind my present mood with that of the first time when I went out—I was very much afraid then; now I'm extraordinarily happy. I've learnt to appreciate the privilege of being in the glory and the heroism. I'm more pleased than if I had won a decoration, that my Colonel should have asked for my return at the first possible moment. It proves to me something which one often doubts—that I really am some good out there.
Keep your tails up, my dear ones, and don't get worried. This line is only to let you know the good news.
XXXVI
London April 6, 1918
I'm the happiest person in London to-day at the thought of my return. This is quite unreasonable, when I sit down to calculate the certain discomfort and danger. I can't explain it, unless it is that only by being at the Front can I feel that I am living honourably. I've been self-contemptuous every minute that I've been out of the line. I began to doubt myself and to wonder whether all my protestations of wanting to get back, were not a camouflage for cowardice. I can prove to myself that they weren't now. “The Canadians will advance or die to a man,” were the words that General Currie sent to his troops. Isn't it magnificent to be included in such a chivalrous adventure? I don't think you'll read about the Canadians retiring.
Whatever happens I've had a grand romance out of life—there's nothing of which to complain. I owe destiny no grudge. The world has been kind. I don't think I shall get killed; I never have thought that. But if I am, it will be as fine an ending to a full day's work as heart could desire.
I think I'm younger than I ever was. I no longer know satiety. The job in front of me fills all my soul and mind. I'm going to prove to myself and others that my books are not mere heroic sentiment. Going out a second time, despite the chances to hang back, will give a sincerity to what I've been trying to say to America. Heaps of people would think it brutal to want so much to go where men are being slaughtered—but it isn't the slaughtering that attracts, it's the winning of the ideal that calls me.