“None of us knows that,” I said shortly, “and to believe that you know it is morbid.”
The worst thing that can happen to a man at the Front is for him to get the premonition that he is going to be killed. Whether it is that this feeling really is a warning or that the imagining that he has been forewarned attracts the thing that kids him, it is impossible to tell; it is, however, a fart that the belief seems to destroy a man’s magic immunity and one usually hears of his death within a short time of his making such a confession.
“I’m not morbid.” Tubby spoke quite wholesomely. “I’m not going queer, the way some chaps do, and I’m not afraid. I’m not asking you to be sorry for me, and I’m not pitying myself. If I were given the choice I’d sooner go west out here, doing something average decent, than drag on into peace times and disappoint myself. And I should disappoint myself; you know that.”
“Don’t, worry yourself, old son,” I replied cheerfully; “you’re not the only one. We shall all disappoint ourselves.”
He nodded. “Yes, every man disappoints himself, but not all along the line, the way I should, because of one wrong act.... I was only a kid when I crossed from Canada and I was horribly lonely and... I don’t suppose this is in the least interesting to you; I’ll put it briefly and then we’ll talk of something else. There was a girl and she seemed kind—not at all the sort of girl with whom I could be happy. I didn’t marry her and since I’ve been out here...”
He didn’t finish his sentence.
“She’s been blackmailing you?” I asked. “A lot of that’s done.”
He stared me honestly between the eyes. “Worse than that. It’s been hell. She writes me there’s another coming.”
Without giving me a chance to reply, he whirled his horse about and went away at a trot to the rear of the column.
Poor little Tubby! What a lot it must have cost him to be always cheerful and smiling. I understood now why he had gambled so heavily and, however much he won, had always remained in debt. What a nightmare his experience of war must have been to him, continually facing up to death with the knowledge that every time he came back alive the bill for the old sin would once more be presented. His case can be multiplied by thousands.