PATIENCE.—And what is a conductor?
G· C·—Do you mean it? Listen and I will give you the recipe for a first-class Chicago and Alton conductor. (Sings.)
If you want a recipe for that popular mystery
Usually known as an Alton road man,
Take all the remarkable people in history,
Mix them all up in a rhyming stewpan;
The pluck of a brakeman on board of a freight train,
Genius of agents devising a plan,
The humor of Jay Gould (when in a cut rate vein),
Coolness of Vanderbilt leading the clan;
The science of Howgate, the eminent Arctico;
Wit of Abe Lincoln, good Illinois man;
Pathos of Paddy, just out on a lark to go;
Style of the Bishop of Saskatchewan;
The dash of a D'Orsay divested of quackery,
Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray.
Victor Emmanuel, peak-hunting Peveril,
Thomas A-qui-nas and Doctor Sa-che-verell,
Tupper and Tennyson, Daniel De-Foe,
Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot.
Take of these elements all that is fusible,
Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,
And an Alton conductor is the re-si-du-um.
If you want a receipt for this railroad like Paragon,
Get at the wealth of Jim Fair (if you can);
The family pride of a Blue Blood from Lexington,
Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban,
A smack of young Lorillard, reckless and rollicky,
Swagger of Kearney leading his gang,
The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky;
Grace of an odalisque on a divan;
The essence delightful of utter civility,
Graceful and pleasant lacking servility;
Flavor of Hamlet; Charles Surface, a touch of him;
Little of Romeo, but not very much of him,—
Beautiful dressed, all buttons and lace,
Air of a nobleman, exquisite face.
Take of these elements all that is fusible
Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible,
Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum,
And an Alton conductor is the residuum.
(Exit Conductors.)