I have not enjoyed this Sabbath as I should. My own heart is not right, I fear. I am too far from Christ. I am overcome by temptation so often, and then my peace is destroyed, and my access to a throne of grace is hindered. I am ready to exclaim with Paul, “Oh, wretched man that I am, who shall deliver me from this body of death!” Would to God I could also say with the assurance he did: “I thank God, through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
At the same time there is evidence that he was advancing toward a higher stage of religious experience, and that he was leaving behind him the elements of repentance and faith, and going on toward “perfection.” He reads the Life of Richard Williams, the Patagonian missionary, and then sits down and writes:
He was a wonderful man; had a wonderful life. His faith transcends anything I have ever had. His communion with God was constant and joyous, at times rising to such a pitch that, in his own words, “he almost imagined himself in heaven.” His resignation to God’s will and consecration to his service were complete in the highest. In his life and in his death is displayed in a marvelous manner the power of God’s grace. Reduced almost to the certainty of death by scurvy, in a little, uncomfortable barge or float, with scarce any provisions, far from all human help, in the midst of storms and cold, this devoted man reads God’s Word, prays to him from his lowly couch, and deliberately declares that he would not exchange places with any man living! What godlike faith! What a sublime height to reach in Christian life in this world! I am more and more convinced that our enjoyment of God and sweet sense of the presence of Christ as well as our success in glorifying God depends entirely on the measure of our consecration to him, our complete submission of our wills to his. My prayer is for grace thus to consecrate and submit myself to his will. Then I shall be happy.
I do not think that Mateer had any disposition to follow in the footsteps of Williams by tempting Providence through doubtful exposure of his life and health to danger; it was the consecration to the service of God that he coveted. He seems about this time to have made a distinct advance in the direction of an increasing desire to give himself up wholly to the service of his divine Master, and to submit himself entirely to the will of God. A most severe test of this came to him in the questions of his duty as to foreign missions. First, it was whether he ought to go on this errand, and whether he was willing. Nor was it an easy thing for him to respond affirmatively. He was a strong man, and conscious of his strength. For him to go to the unevangelized in some distant part of the world was to put aside almost every “fond ambition” that had hitherto attracted him in his plans for life. Opportunities to do good were abundantly open to him in this country. Tender ties bound his heart to relatives and friends, and the thought of leaving them with little prospect of meeting them again in this world was full of pain. To go as a missionary was a far more severe ordeal fifty years ago than it is in most cases to-day. Bravely and thoroughly, however, he met the issue. Divine grace was sufficient for him. He offered himself to the Board and was accepted. Then followed another test of his consecration just as severe. For a year and a half he had to wait before he ascertained that after all he was to be sent. There were times when his going seemed to be hopeless; and he had to learn to bow in submission to what seemed the divine will, though it almost broke his heart. When, late in 1862, one of the secretaries told him that unless a way soon opened he had better seek a permanent field at home, he says in his Journal:
It seems as if I cannot give it up. I had such strong faith that I should yet go.... I had a struggle to make up my mind, and now I cannot undo all that work as one might suppose. What is it? Why is it, that my most loved and cherished plan should be frustrated? God will do right, however; this I know. Help me, gracious God, to submit cheerfully to all thy blessed will; and if I never see heathen soil, keep within me at home the glorious spirit of missions.
It was a severe school of discipline to which he was thus sent, but he learned his lesson well.
One cannot think it at all strange that under the conditions of the outward voyage he suffered at times from spiritual depression. November 19, 1863, he made this entry in his Journal:
Spent the forenoon in prayer and in reading God’s Word, in view of my spiritual state. I have felt oppressed with doubts and fears for some time, so that I could not enjoy myself in spiritual exercises as I should. I have had a flood of anxious thoughts about my own condition and my unfitness for the missionary work. I began the day very much cast down; but, blessed be God, I found peace and joy and assurance in Christ. In prayer those expressions in the 86th Psalm, “ready to forgive,” and “plenteous in mercy,” were brought home to my heart in power. I trust I did and do gladly cast myself renewedly on Jesus, my Saviour. Just before dinner time I went out on deck to walk and meditate. Presently my attention was attracted by Georgie (Mrs. B’s little girl) singing in her childish manner the words of the hymn, “He will give you grace to conquer.” Over and over again she said it as if singing to herself. They were words in season. My heart caught the sound gladly, and also repeated it over again and again, “He will give you grace to conquer.” I thought of the parallel Scripture, “My grace is sufficient for thee.” The Spirit of God was in those words, and they were precious. My fears were all gone. I was ready to go, in the strength of this word, to China, and undertake any work God should appoint. I went to my room, and with a full heart thanked God for this consolation. Out of the mouth of babes thou hast ordained strength. I am glad that I gave this season to special seeking of God; it has done me good. Lord, make the influence of it to be felt. I had much wandering of mind at first, but God mercifully delivered me from this. O, that I could maintain habitually a devotional spirit, and live very near to the blessed Jesus!
Though he but dimly understood it then, the Lord was in the school of experience disciplining him in qualities which in all his subsequent work he needed to put into exercise: to rest on the promises of God in darkness, to wait patiently under delays that are disappointing, and to endure in the spirit of Christ the contradictions of the very sinners for whose higher welfare he was willing to make any sacrifice, however costly to himself.
On his field of labor he was too busy with his duties as a missionary to write down much in regard to his own inner life. Nor is there any reason to regard this as a thing greatly to be regretted. The fact is that during the decade which extended from his admission to membership in the church to his entrance on his work in China, he matured in his religious experience to such a degree that subsequently, though there was increasing strength, there were no very striking changes on this side of his character. In the past he had set before himself, as a mark to be attained, the thorough consecration of himself to the service of God, and it was largely because by introspection he recognized how far he fell short of this that he sometimes had been so much troubled about his own spiritual condition. Henceforth this consecration, as something already attained, was constantly put into practice. He perhaps searched himself less in regard to it; he did his best to live it.