He now took country lodgings, most delightfully situated both for air and prospect, and had a maid and man to attend him. I begged on my knees to go with him, but could not get that favour granted; for, if I could, it might have been the means of restoring me to his favour, but our breach was too wide to be thoroughly reconciled, though I used all the endearing ways I had ever had occasion for to creep into his favour.
Before he went out of town he locked and sealed up every room in the house, excepting my bedchamber, dressing-room, one parlour, and all the offices and rooms belonging to the servants; and, as he had now all my substance in his power, I was in a very poor state for a countess, and began to wish, with great sincerity, that I had never seen him, after I had lived so happy a life as I did at the Quaker's. For notwithstanding our estates joined together, when we were first married, amounted to £3376 per annum, and near £18,000 ready money, besides jewels, plate, goods, &c., of a considerable value, yet we had lived in a very high manner since our taking the title of earl and countess upon us; setting up a great house, and had a number of servants; our equipage, such as coach, chariot, horses, and their attendants; a handsome fortune my lord had given to my daughter, and a very noble one to my son, whom he loved very well, not for his being my son, but for the courteous behaviour of him in never aspiring to anything above a valet after he knew who he was, till my lord made him his secretary or clerk. Besides all these expenses, my lord, having flung himself into the trade to the Indies, both East and West, had sustained many great and uncommon losses, occasioned by his merchandise being mostly shipped in English bottoms; and that nation having declared war against the crown of Spain, he was one of the first and greatest sufferers by that power; so that, on the whole, our estate, which was as above, dwindled to about £1000 per annum, and our home stock, viz., about £17,000, was entirely gone. This, I believe, was another great mortification to his lordship, and one of the main things that did help to hasten his end; for he was observed, both by me and all his servants, to be more cast down at hearing of his losses, that were almost daily sent to him, than he was at what had happened between him and me.
Nothing could give more uneasiness than the damage our estate sustained by this traffic. He looked upon it as a mere misfortune that no person could avoid; but I, besides that, thought it was a judgment upon me, to punish me in the loss of all my ill-got gain. But when I found that his own fortune began to dwindle as well as mine, I was almost ready to think it was possible his lordship might have been as wicked a liver as I had, and the same vengeance as had been poured upon me for my repeated crimes might also be a punishment for him.
As his lordship was in a bad state of health, and had removed to a country lodging, his study and counting-house, as well as his other rooms, were locked and sealed up; all business was laid aside, excepting such letters as came to him were carried to his lordship to be opened, read, and answered. I also went to see him morning and evening, but he would not suffer me to stay with him a single night. I might have had another room in the same house, but was not willing the people who kept it should know that there was a misunderstanding between us; so I contented myself to be a constant visitor, but could not persuade him to forgive me the denying of my daughter, and acting the part of Roxana, because I had kept those two things an inviolable secret from him and everybody else but Amy, and it was carelessness in her conduct at last that was the foundation of all my future misery.
As my lord's weakness increased, so his ill temper, rather than diminish, increased also. I could do nothing to please him, and began to think that he was only pettish because he found it was his turn to go out of the world first. A gentleman that lived near him, as well as his chaplain, persuaded him to have a physician, to know in what state his health was; and by all I could learn, the doctor told him to settle his worldly affairs as soon as he conveniently could. "For," says he, "although your death is not certain, still your life is very precarious."
The first thing he did after this was to send for the son he had by me from the university. He came the week afterwards, and the tutor with him, to take care of his pupil. The next day after my lord came home, and sending for six eminent men that lived at The Hague he made his will, and signed it in the presence of them all; and they, with the chaplain, were appointed the executors of it, and guardians of my son.
As I was in a great concern at his making his will unknown to me, and before we were friends, I thought of it in too serious a manner not to speak about it. I did not know where to apply first, but after mature consideration sent for the chaplain, and he coming to me, I desired he would give me the best intelligence he could about it. "My lady," said he, "you cannot be so unacquainted with the duty of my function, and the trust my lord has reposed in me, but you must know I shall go beyond my trust in relating anything of that nature to you; all that I can say on that head is, that I would have you make friends with my lord as soon as you possibly can, and get him to make another will, or else take the best care of yourself as lies in your power; for, I assure you, if his lordship dies, you are but poorly provided for."
These last words of the chaplain's most terribly alarmed me. I knew not what to do; and, at last, as if I was to be guided by nothing but the furies, I went to his chamber, and after inquiring how he did, and hearing that he was far from well, I told him I had heard he had made his will. "Yes," said he, "I have; and what then?" "Why, my lord," replied I, "I thought it would not have been derogatory to both our honours for you to have mentioned it to me before you did it, and have let me known in what manner you intended to settle your estate. This would have been but acting like a man to his wife, even if you had married me without a fortune; but as you received so handsomely with me, you ought to have considered it as my substance, as well as your own, that you were going to dispose of."
My lord looked somewhat staggered at what I had said, and pausing a little while, answered, that he thought, and also looked upon it as a granted opinion, that after a man married a woman, all that she was in possession of was his, excepting he had made a prior writing or settlement to her of any part or all she was then possessed of. "Besides, my lady," added he, "I have married both your children, and given them very noble fortunes, especially your son. I have also had great losses in trade, both by sea and land, since you delivered your fortune to me, and even at this time, notwithstanding the appearance we make in the world, I am not worth a third of what I was when we came to settle in Holland; and then, here is our own son shall be provided for in a handsome manner by me; for I am thoroughly convinced there will be but little care taken of him if I leave anything in your power for that purpose: witness Thomas and Susanna."
"My lord," said I, "I am not come into your chamber to know what care you have taken of our child. I do not doubt but you have acted like a father by it. What I would be informed in is, what I am to depend upon in case of your decease; which I, however, hope may be a great many years off yet." "You need not concern yourself about that," said he; "your son will take care that you shall not want; but yet, I will tell you, too," said he, "that it may prevent your wishing for my death. I have, in my will, left all I am possessed of in the world to my son, excepting £1500; out of that there is £500 for you, £500 among my executors, and the other £500 is to bury me, pay my funeral expenses, and what is overplus I have ordered to be equally divided among my servants."