“In this frame of mind he continued for several days, passing sentence of condemnation upon himself, and constantly owning that it would be right he should be damned, and that he expected this would be his portion for the greatness of his sins. Yet it was plain that he had a secret hope of mercy, though imperceptible to himself, which kept him not only from despair but from any pressing distress: so that, instead of being sad and dejected, his very countenance appeared pleasant and agreeable.
“While he was in this frame he several times asked me ‘When I would preach again?’ and seemed desirous to hear the word of God every day. I asked, ‘Why he wanted to hear me preach, seeing his heart was dead, and all was done; that he could never help himself, and expected that he must go to hell?’ He replied, ‘I love to hear you speak about Christ for all.’ I added, 'But what good will that do you, if you must go to hell at last?'—using now his own language with him, having before from time to time labored in the best manner I could to represent to him the excellency of Christ, his all-sufficiency and willingness to save lost sinners, and persons just in his case; although to no purpose, as to yielding him any special comfort. He answered, ‘I would have others come to Christ, if I must go to hell myself.’ It was remarkable, that he seemed to have a great love for the people of God; and nothing affected him so much as the thought of being separated from them. This seemed to be a very dreadful part of the hell to which he saw himself doomed. It was likewise remarkable, that in this season he was most diligent in the use of all the means for the soul’s salvation; although he had the clearest view of the inefficiency of means to afford him help. He would frequently say, that all he did signified nothing at all; and yet was never more constant in doing; attending secret and family prayer daily, and surprisingly diligent and attentive in hearing the word of God; so that he neither despaired of mercy, nor yet presumed to hope upon his own doings, but used means because appointed of God in order to salvation; and because he would wait upon God in his own way.
“After he had continued in this frame of mind more than a week, while I was discoursing publicly, he seemed to have a lively soul-refreshing view of the excellency of Christ and the way of salvation by him, which melted him into tears, and filled him with admiration, comfort, satisfaction and praise to God. Since then he has appeared to be a humble, devout and affectionate Christian; serious and exemplary in his conversation and behavior, frequently complaining of his barrenness, his want of spiritual warmth, life and activity, and yet frequently favored with quickening and refreshing influences. In all respects, so far as I am capable of judging, he bears the marks of one ‘created anew in Christ Jesus to good works.’
“His zeal for the cause of God was pleasing to me when he was with me at the Forks of Delaware in February last. There being an old Indian at the place where I preached who threatened to bewitch me, and my religious people who accompanied me there; this man presently challenged him to do his worst, telling him that himself had been as great a conjurer as he; and that notwithstanding, as soon as he felt that word in his heart which these people loved, meaning the word of God, his power of conjuring immediately left him. ‘And so it would you,’ said he, ‘if you did but once feel it in your heart; and you have no power to hurt them, nor so much as to touch one of them,’ &c. So that I may conclude my account of him by observing, in allusion to what was said of St. Paul, that he now zealously ‘defends and practically preaches the faith which he once destroyed,’ or at least was instrumental in obstructing. May God have the glory of the amazing change which he has wrought in him.
Lord’s day, May 18.—“Discoursed both parts of the day from Rev. 3:20, ‘Behold I stand at the door and knock.’ There appeared some affectionate melting toward the conclusion of the forenoon exercise, and one or two instances of fresh awakening. In the intermission of public worship I took occasion to discourse to numbers in a more private way, on the kindness and patience of the blessed Redeemer in standing and knocking, in continuing his gracious calls to sinners, who had long neglected and abused his grace; which seemed to take some effect upon several.
“In the afternoon divine truth was attended with solemnity, and with some tears; although there was not that powerful awakening and quickening influence which in times past has been common in our assemblies. The appearance of the audience was comparatively discouraging, and I was ready to fear that God was about to withdraw the blessed influence of his Spirit from us.
May 19.—“Visited and preached to my people from Acts, 20:18, 19, and endeavored to rectify their notions about religious affections; showing them on the one hand the desirableness of religious affection, tenderness and fervent engagement in the worship and service of God, when such affection flows from a true spiritual discovery of divine glories, from a just sense of the transcendant excellence and perfections of the blessed God, and a view of the glory and loveliness of the great Redeemer; and that such views of divine things will naturally excite us to ‘serve the Lord with many tears, with much affection and fervency, and yet with all humility of mind.’ On the other hand, I observed the sinfulness of seeking after high affections immediately and for their own sakes; that is, of making them the object which our eye and heart is first and principally set upon, when the glory of God ought to be that object. Showed them, that, if the heart be directly and chiefly fixed on God, and the soul engaged to glorify him, some degree of religious affection will be the effect and attendant of it. But to seek after affection directly and chiefly; to have the heart principally set upon that; is to place it in the room of God and his glory. If it be sought, that others may take notice of it, and admire us for our spirituality and forwardness in religion, it is then abominable pride; if for the sake of feeling the pleasure of being affected, it is then idolatry and self-gratification. Labored also to expose the disagreeableness of those affections which are sometimes wrought up in persons by the power of fancy, and their own attempts for that purpose, while I still endeavored to recommend to them that religious affection, fervency and devotion which ought to attend all our religious exercises, and without which religion will be but an empty name and lifeless carcase. This appeared to be a seasonable discourse, and proved very satisfactory to some of the religious people who before were exercised with some difficulties relating to this point. Afterward took care of, and gave my people directions about their worldly affairs.
May 24.—“Visited the Indians, and took care of their secular business; which they are not able to manage themselves without the constant care and advice of others. Afterward discoursed to some of them particularly about their spiritual concerns.—Enjoyed this day somewhat of the same frame of mind which I felt the day before.
Lord’s day, May 25.—“Discoursed both parts of the day from John, 12:44-48. There was some degree of divine power attending the word of God. Several wept, and appeared considerably affected, and one, who had long been under spiritual trouble, now obtained clearness and comfort, and appeared to rejoice in God her Savior. It was a day of grace and divine goodness; a day wherein something I trust was done for the cause of God among my people; a season of comfort and sweetness to numbers of the religious people; although there was not that influence upon the congregation which was common some months ago.
Lord’s day, June 1.—“Preached both forenoon and afternoon from Matt. 11:27, 28. The presence of God seemed to be in the assembly; and numbers were considerably melted and affected under divine truth. There was a desirable appearance in the congregation in general, an earnest attention and an agreeable tenderness; and it seemed as if God designed to visit us with further showers of divine grace. I then received into communion five persons; and was not a little refreshed with this addition made to the church of such as I hope will be saved. I have reason to hope that God has lately, at and since our celebration of the Lord’s supper, brought home to himself several persons who had long been under spiritual trouble and concern; although there have been few instances of persons lately awakened out of a state of security. Those comforted of late seem to be brought in, in a more silent way; neither their concern, nor consolation being so powerful and remarkable as appeared among those more suddenly wrought upon in the beginning of this work of grace.