His prayers did not cease. “From the depths of my heart I call out to Thee, Oh God. Lord, hear my entreaty, and bend Thine ear to the voice of my supplications.” And he discoursed learnedly with God. He believed in Moses and the Prophets. He knew for a surety that God had discovered Himself to them and had spoken to them. But if He spoke to these others and revealed his will, then why not to him? If he was unworthy of this grace, he wished to know why. If none might look upon God and remain thereafter alive, he did not care. He was ready to die. With all his heart he desired such a death. Almighty God, this very moment.
He stopped and waited. Sadly he then continued on his way. At last he began to call, “God, if Thou Thyself desirest not to reveal Thyself unto me, then send me Thy messenger!”
But day after day passed by. He travelled the length and breadth of the desert; his body became cadaverous, his face sunken, and his weary, extinguished eyes sat in deep sockets.—Then he turned back to the city, which was much agitated by his disappearance, and where he was received with cries of fright and wringing of hands because of his wretched appearance. With still greater fright did they leave him, for he refused to reply to all questions; his mouth was sealed, his look severe and distant. His wife and children, and all his friends in the city went about distracted and in despair, for they could not tell what was the trouble with the aged High Priest. The only words he vouchsafed were addressed to the guardian of the keys, from whom he took the key to the Temple, admonishing him to permit none to follow the High Priest. The entire city was plunged into deeper consternation than ever.
IV
Only once per year—on the Day of Atonement—was the High Priest permitted to enter the Holy of Holies, the most sacred room of God’s house. Only this once, without being punished on the spot by a bolt from the Almighty. Yet it was to the Holy of Holies that Johanan now directed his steps. He desired to see God, and death held no terrors for him. His heart was embittered, his spirit downcast. He was not of God’s chosen few. What mattered to him a continuance of life in unworthiness?
He prepared himself with ablutions and performance of sacrifice, and clothed himself in white. Before the entrance to the Holy of Holies he paused for a moment. In fear, but also in expectation: perhaps God would yet send him a token. It was everywhere so still, and the semi-darkness of the room in which he stood was as though peopled with spirits. He looked in horror about him and his heart beat wildly. He did not retreat, however, nor did he desist from his firm purpose. With unbending will, yet with trembling hand, he opened the heavy door to the Holy of Holies, and dashed, rather than walked, into it. His eyes were as if dazzled, his legs sagged beneath him, his heart was almost rent. He leaned against the wall to keep from falling. He neither saw nor heard anything. He stood rooted in great terror.
Gradually he recovered his composure. How long had he been there? And he was still alive? His eyes opened wide with astonishment; he tore himself away from the wall and surveyed his surroundings. All was silent and calm in the dark solitude of the room. The Satijah stone, the Rock of the World, which stood there in place of the vanished Holy Ark, he felt rather than saw. Silence. A vast silence. He rolled his eyes about, listening intently. Nothing. Four bare walls, the Satijah Stone and he alone. And nothing else. He cried aloud with amazement. And his present stupefaction was even greater than his previous terror. He straightened himself out, proud and arrogant. His countenance grew stern and ireful. He began, from force of habit, to go out with his back to the entrance and with his face to the Ark, but at once he wheeled about and with firm steps left the Holy of Holies and the Temple.
He went to Athaliah, the beloved of Jason, son of Meshulem.
She looked at him in surprise and fright. The High Priest in her home!
“I have come for your love,” he said.