“I SHOULD WAKE THEM UP CHEERILY WITH AN ALPINE HORN.”
WHAT TIBBITTS WOULD DO.
introduced into Switzerland, I should emigrate to this country and become a William Tell. I should secure a large tract of this land and go into a general marrying business. I should take to my bosom say fifty of these maidens—nay I wouldn’t object to widows, not even those with goitres, for I have noticed that the goitre, no matter how large, does not interfere with an elderly woman’s capacity for carrying hay down the mountain. Indeed, a goitre, skillfully managed, may be helpful. For if arranged so as to hang on the upper side of the woman it would assist materially in preserving her equilibrium. With fifty of these wives the labor problem is solved. I should wake them up early in the morning cheerily with an Alpine horn (after taking one myself), and after the frugal meal of black bread and cheese, I should have them skip merrily up the mountains and cut the sweet smelling grass, and rake it and turn it, like so many Maud Mullers, and tie it up in bundles and carry it down to the modest chalet, where I would be to see that other wives stored it safely away for use in the long Alpine Winter.
“I should at once purchase cows, with the dowry of my fifty wives, and establish a cheese factory, making the fragrant Limberger for the Germans in America, and the smooth Neuchatel for more delicate appetites, and all the other varieties. To carry on the business successfully would take me much to Geneva, and, in pursuit of a better market, to Paris, where, as the proprietors of the Jardin Mabille are large consumers of the products of the Swiss dairies, I should be thrown largely into society that would prevent life from becoming too monotonous.
“And while I was away, my fifty wives would rise early in the gladsome morn and labor cheerily, singing the while the simple carols of their native mountains till dewy eve, and sleep sweetly, gaining strength for a larger day’s work on the morrow.
“There is some sense in marrying a Swiss woman, for she can do something toward supporting you. An American woman expects to be supported; she expects to have luxurious surroundings, and all that sort of thing, which the man labors for. I like this scheme the best. But, unfortunately, one is not sufficient to support a man, and, as polygamy is unlawful, I shall not marry in Switzerland. One could not be made useful, and when I marry for ornament, I shall require something more ornamental.”
And Tibbitts relapsed into moody silence, disgusted with life because the Swiss government would not permit him to marry enough women to insure him a comfortable living.