"Swingin round the cirkle"

by David Ross Locke

“Broad is the road wich leeds to death,”—

and it wuz sung with tetchin pathos. After the weepin hed subsided, and I got my feelings calmed down so ez to permit me to speek, I commenst explainin to em the causes uv the result. It wuz, I sed, a chastenin sent onto us for our sins; a stripin becoz we hed exalted our horn in our pride; that, gloryin in the possession uv the post offices, the collectorships, the assessorships, and sich, we hed become vain-glorious and puffed up, and careless in performance uv dooties. Ther wuz niggers in Kentucky a goin about free, and impiously settin at naught the decrees uv Providence, wich condemned em to be servants uv their brethren; and heer I digressed to eloocydate a pint. I hed seen stricters in a Boston paper onto the common practice uv amalgamashen in the South, wich paper held up the practis to the condemnashen uv pious men. “My brethren,” sed I, “them Boston Ablishnists hev no cleer understandin uv the Skripter. When Ham wuz cust by Noar, wat wuz that cuss? ‘He shel be a servant unto his brethren.’ Not unto strangers; not unto the Philistine, or the Girgeshite, or the Millerite, but unto his brethren! How cood he be servant unto his brethren except thro amalgamashen? Onless we amalgamated with em, how wood the male niggers be our brethren? O, my brethren! we wuz obliged to do these things, that the Skripters mite be fulfilled; and to the credit uv the Southern people, be it sed, that they never shrunk from the performance uv dooty. The per cent. uv yeller niggers in this State attests how faithful Kentucky hez bin.”

But to resoom. We hev sinned in permittin skools to come in, and unfit um for their normal and skriptural condishen; but these is not all. My brethren, go to Esq. McGavitt’s, and get the township Bible, and search till yoo find this yer tex:—

“And no man puttith new wine into old bottles, else the new wine doth bust the bottles, and the wine is spilled.”

My brethren, wich is the bottles? The Dimocrisey, uv course; and the most uv em may be considered old ones. We hev actid as bottles, carrying about flooids—not percisely wine, but the modern substitoot therefor—from our earliest infancy. Wich is new wine? The Ablishnists wich follered Johnson, uv course. New wine is frothy; so wuz they. New wine fizzes; so did they. New wine hez strength for a minnit; so hed they. New wine is unreliable; so wuz they. At Philadelphy the puttin uv this new wine into old bottles wuz accomplished; at that accursed place anshent Dimocrisy, wich beleeves in Ham and Hagar, met and fell onto the nex uv Seward and Doolittle, wich invented Ablishinism, and we mingled our teers together; the new wine wuz put into the venerable old bottle uv Dimocrisy, and notwithstandin we hooped it with Federal patronage, it busted, and great wuz the bust thereof; and the fragments uv the bottles wuz prone onto the earth, and the new wine is runnin round permiscus. So wuz the Skripter fulfilled.

And, my brethren, while yoo are at the Squire’s huntin up that tex, keep on till yoo find another, to wit:—

“No man also seweth a piece uv old cloth onto a new garment, else the new piece that filleth it up taketh it away from the old, and the rent is made worse.”

My hearers, Democrisy went to Philadelphy in a soot uv gray, wich it hed bin a wearin for five years. It wuz trooly old, and ther wuz greevious rents in it, made mostly by bayonets, and sich. O, why wuzn’t we content to wear it? Why wuz we not satisfied with it? Agin wuz the Skripters fulfilled. We patched up the Confedrit gray with Federal blue; we put onto the back, Seward; onto the knees, Randall; onto the shoulders, Cowan; and onto the seat, Johnson, and they wuz stitched together with Post Offisis. But it didn’t hold. The Skripters wuz fulfilled; the old cloth wuz rotten, and one by one patches fell off, somewhat dirtied, and takin with em a part uv the old, and the rents is bigger than before. Our coat is busted at the elbows, our pants is frayed round the bottoms, out at the knees, and from behind the flag uv distress waveth drearily in the cold wind.

My brethren, we will succeed when we stick to our integrity. Wat wuz the yoose uv our assoomin what we did not hev? Wat wuz the sence uv our askin our people to vote for Kernels for Congris wich hed, doorin the war, drafted their sons? Wat wuz the yoose uv talking Constooshnel Amendments to men who spozed that Internal Improvements and a Nashnel Bank wuz still the ishoo? Wat wuz the yoose uv lettin go our holt on nigger equality, wich is the right bower, left bower, and ace uv the Democrisy,—its tower uv strength, its anker and cheefest trust, and wich is easy uv comprehension, and eminently adapted to the Democratic intelleck,—and takin up questions wich will all be settled ten years afore they begin to comprehend em? In breef, wat wuz the sense, my brethren, in puttin new wine into old bottles?—uv patchin old cloth with new? Let us be warned; and never repeet the fatle error.

The congregashen dispersed somewhat sadly, but ez they gathered at Bascom’s to discuss the sermon, I wuz gratified at observin a visible improvement in their temper. Bascom hisself bussled around lively; Deekin Pogram remarked that probably it wuz unskriptooral to put new wine into old tubs, but ez he didn’t hev an ijee; that the prohibishen extendid to new whisky, he’d resk it, bust or no bust, and he pizened hisself very much in the old style, and Elder Slather and Kernel McPelter so far recovered their sperits ez to hang the nigger I menshend in the beginnin ez lookin pleased at the church. The Corners is rapidly gettin itself agin.