In a mournful tone, I retorted that I failed to perseeve it.
“I kin,” sez he. “Lookye, my venerable friend. Is the Northern Dimocrisy still troo?”
“They is,” I replied, “wat few remains. But, alas! war, crool war, hez decimated our ranks five times.”
“How so?” sez he. “None uv your kind uv Democrats jined in this unholy croosade, and fell afore our deth-deelin swords—did they?”
“Not any,” sez I; “but Kanady and Montana took em afore each draft. That wuz why we wuz so beet at the eleckshuns. For one week-kneed Ablishinist we scared into our ranks, we lost two by emigration; and, unfortunitly, wun half that emigrated starved to deth, and tother half is distribbited in the various States prisons in them lands uv refuge.”
“Still,” sez he, “it matters not. Yoo hev deestricks yoo kin carry in most uv the States. The Five Points deestrick, in Noo York, is ours. Noo Gersey will go back to her allegiance. The new gold States, where so menny uv our friends fled, will send up Democrats to Congress. Ohio hez 2 devoted to us, Pennsylvany hez several, and the most uv the Northern States will send one or two; and them from the North kin be depended on to go any measure we say. Then”—and he slapped me on the back highlariously—“the niggers is free!”
“Well?” sez I, not seem wat cause for highlarity that wuz.
“Well,” sez he, “them niggers is not now other persons! We alluz counted five uv em for three in making up the Congressers we wuz entitled to; now they count as white men, wich increases our delegashuns to sich an extent that ef yoo Northern men do half yoor dooty, we’ll hev a majority in Congress. Then, good Lord! the pleasant crack uv the whip shel agin be heard on the plains uv the sunny South. The niggers wont be re-enslaved; but our Legislaters will speedily redoose em to their normal condishun. We shell observe the Constitushnel Amendment strickly and in good faith. The Afrikin shel be free; but the good uv society demands that he shel be under proper guardianship. He wont be allowed to change his location; and the laws uv the States will define his dooties, and give us the power uv enforcin em. He wont be allowed to hev arms, so he can’t resist. Ez he can’t leave a plantation, he will hev to submit quietly to sich rools ez the high-minded planter makes for him, or be shot on the spot, or turned out to die uv starvashun, akording to circumstances. Ef the planter is a unrejenerated child uv damnashun, he will shoot him; ef he is a saint, who hez a southern hope uv a blessed immortality beyond the grave, he’ll restrane his anger, and turn him out to die uv hunger, onless he repents, and comes back humble. Then, they bein free and responsible for theirselves, we ain’t obleeged to take care uv the sick, the aged, or the infirm, so it will be really better than it wuz before. I see a gellorious future afore us. Thro the thick clouds uv gloom the brite sun uv hope cheerinly breaks. Say to the Northern Dimocrisy, be uv good cheer. Agin they shel lick our hands; agin they shel eat the crumbs that fall from the National table.
“Thank God for the Northern Dimocrisy, with the other blessins He has given the South. With niggers to do our manual labor for nothing, with Northern Democrats to do our votin at almost the same price, we are trooly a favored people. Bless the Lord for the nigger and the Democrat, wich is both useful to us, each in his speer!”
I drew encouragement from his remarks. The deep vane uv pious thankfulness wich run through his discourse was nateral to him. He is a trooly pious man, and wuz just back frum the meetin uv the Synod uv one uv the Southern churches, wich still persists in quotin Onesimus and Hayger. I feel encouraged. O, Dimmycrats uv the North, let us