I paid my respecks to 2 mince pies, a pair uv pig’s feet, some cold tongue, and a plate uv tripe, follered by a half dozen dough nuts and a couple or more uv glasses uv hot whisky punch; and singler ez it may seem, it didn’t set well. I dreamed all night, and my dreams wuznt at all pleasant. Methawt I hed deceest, and wuz in the next world. It was a singler site that met my vision. The dividin line atween this world and the next wuz a swift stream uv water, and every deceest spirit hed to cross it. The water wuz suthin like that uv the Dead Sea. A man, unencumbered with anything, cood walk on it, but they sunk down in it if they wuz loaded, accordin to what they hed to carry. On the tother side uv this Jordan wuz heaven; the dominions uv his majesty Satan the 1st wuz below, and to it a strong under current flowed, which took all them ez wuz too heavy loaded to keep their chins above water.
On the bank stood more than two millions uv little devils, who flung onto the shoulders uv them tryin to cross their failins, and weaknesses, and iniquities.
General Breckinridge wuz the first that I saw enter the flood. He hed on a life preserver, labelled “States Rights,” but a peert little devil stuck a pin into it, and it collapsed, the gas with wich it wuz filled smellin horribly. Down he went, and ez he sunk, they commenced peltin him with packages labelled “Treason,” “Perjury,” and “Murder,” and John C. went under.
Old James Buckanon went next. The old gentleman didn’t keep above water as long ez a able bodied man could hold a bar uv red hot iron in his hand. He made one splash, when a weight labelled “Treason” struck him, and down he went. The gentlemanly and urbane devil who had him in charge had a big pile more uv ammunition to discharge at him, but that one wuz sufficient.
Vallandigham come next. I wuz surprised to see no one make a motion at him, but he sunk all the same. “We never waste effort,” sed Satan to me; “he carries enough natural cussedness about him, all the time, to sink him, without pilin any devilment on his shoulders wich is ten days old.”
Frank Peerce made his appearance, but declined to enter. He wuz immediately seezed, and on each leg wuz tied a weight labelled “Kansas,” and they flung him in. He went down like a shot, and that’s the last I seed uv him.
Garret Davis went in, and to my surprise, passed over safely. Nothin wuz flung at him, for wich I asked the reason.
“Why,” sed Satan, “the poor old man isn’t accountable. He commenced to talk many years ago, and keeps on talkin because he really don’t know when to stop. I could hev sunk him, but the fact is, I woodent endoor what the Senit uv the Yoonited States hez hed to, for the past few years, for a dozen uv Tombs lawyers. Besides this, I’m gettin more from Kentucky now than I am really entitled to. I’ve a mortgage on two-thirds uv that State.”
Fernandy and Ben Wood come up rather bold, and entered the flood ez though they were sure uv goin through all right. With a inimitable chuckle, Satan motioned away the inexperienced devils, and sed, “Leave em to me,” and at Ben he hurled a package uv the New York News, wich swashed him down instanter. Jest ez Fernandy wuz beginnin to reach the other shore, he flung onto him an assortment uv weights, labelled “Lotteries” and “Riots,” which took him down to the arm pits, and finished by tumblin onto him a mass, onto wich wuz written “Mayoralty,” and down he went; at wich His Majesty drew a sigh uv relief.
Seein the style uv the men who sunk, I remarked unto him,—