"Swingin round the cirkle"

by David Ross Locke

I wuz a delegate to Philadelphia. I wuzn’t elected nor nothin, and hedn’t any credentials; but the door uv the wigwam I passed, nevertheless. The door-keeper wuz a Dimokrat, and my breath helped me; my nose, wich reely blossoms like the lobster, wuz uv yoose; but I spect my hevin a gray coat on, with a stand up collar, with a brass star onto it, wuz wat finished the biznis. The Southern delegates fought shy uv me; but the Northern ones, bless their souls! the minit they saw the star on the collar uv my gray coat, couldn’t do enuff for me. They addressed me ez Kernel and Gineral, and sed “this wuz trooly an unmeritid honor,” and paid for my drinks; and I succeeded in borrowin a hundred and twenty dollars of em the first day. I mite hev doubled it; but the fellows wuz took in so easy that no financeerin wuz required, and it really wuz no amoozment.

The Convenshun itself wuz the most affectinist gatherin I ever witnist. I hed a seat beside Randall, who wuz a managin the concern, and I cood see it all. The crowd rushed into the bildin, and filled it, when Randall desired attention. He bein the Postmaster General, every one of em dropped into his seat ez though he hed bin shot, and there wuz the most perfeck quiet I ever saw. Doolittle, who wuz the Cheerman, winked at Randall, and nodded his head, when Randall announced that the delegates from South Karliny, and the delegates from Massachoosits, wood enter arm in arm! With a slow and measured step they cum in; and, at a signal from Randall, the cheerin commenst—and sich cheerin! Then Doolittle pulled out his white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes; and every delegate simultaneously pulled out a white hankercher, and applied it to his eyes.

To me, this wuz the proudest moment uv my life; not that there wuz anything partikilerly inspiritin in the scene afore me, for there wuzzent. Orr, from South Caroliny, looked partikilerly ashamed of hisself, ez though he wuz going thro a highly nessary, but extremely disgustin, ceremony, and wuz determined to keep up a stiff upper lip over it; and Couch looked up to Orr, ez though he wuz afeerd uv him, and ez though he felt flattered by Orr’s condecension in walkin at all with sich a umble individjooal. But, to my eyes, the scene wuz significant. I looked into the fucher, and wat did I see, ez them two men—one sneekin, and tother ashamed uv hisself—walked up that aisle? Wat did I see? I saw the Democrisy restored to its normal condishun. I saw the reunion uv the two wings. In fact, I saw the entire Dimokratic bird reunited. The North, one wing, and the weakest; Kentucky, the beak, sharp, hungry, and rapacious; South-west, the strong, active wing; Virginny, the legs and claws; Ohio, the heart; Pennsylvania, the stomach; South Caroliny, the tail feathers; and Noo Jersey, the balance of the bird,—I saw these parts, for five years dissevered, come together, holdin nigger in one claw, and Post Offises in the other, sayin, “Take em both together; they go in lots.” I saw the old Union—the bold, shivelrous Southner a guidin, controllin, and directin the machine, and assoomin to hisself the places uv honor, and the Dimokrat uv the North follerin, like a puppy dog, at his heels, takin sich fat things ez he cood snap up; the Southerner ashamed uv his associations, but forced to yoose em; the Northerner uncomfortable in his presence, but tied to him by self-interest. I saw a comin back the good old times when thirty-four States met in convenshun, and let eleven rule em; and ez I contemplated the scene, I too wept, but it wuz in dead earnest.

“Wat are you blubberin for?” asked a enthusiastic delegate in front uv me, who wuz a swabbin his eyes with a handkercher.

“I’m a Postmaster,” sez I, “and must do my dooty in this crisis. Wat are you sheddin pearls for?” retorted I. “Are you a Postmaster?”

“No,” sez he; “but I hope to be;” and he swabbed away with renood vigger.

“Wat’s the matter with the eyes uv all the delegates?” sez I.

“They’ve all got Post Offisis in em,” sez he; and he worked away faster than ever.

While gettin a fresh handkercher (wich I borrered from the hind coat pocket uv a delegate near me, and wich, by the way, in my delirious joy, I forgot to say anythin to him about it), I looked over the Convenshun, and agin the teers welled up from my heart. My sole wuz full and overflowin, and I slopped over at the eyes. There, before me, sat that hero, Dick Taylor, and Cuth Bullitt; and there wuz the Nelsons and Yeadons, and the representatives uv the first families uv the South, and in Philadelphia, at a Convention, with all the leadin Demokrats uv the North, ceptin Vallandigham and Wood, and they wuz skulkin around within call, with their watchful eyes on the perceedins. Here is a prospeck! Here is fatnis! The President into our confidence! The Postmaster General a runnin the Convention! The bands a playin Dixie and the Star Spangled Banner alternitly, so that nobody cood complain uv partiality, or tell reely wich side the Convention wuz on, or wich side it had been on in the past! Ah! my too susceptible sole filled up agin; the teers started; but that vent wuznt enuff, and I fell faintin onto the floor. Twenty or thirty Northern delegates seed me fallin, and ketchin site uv the gray coat, with the brass star onto it, rushed to ketch me; and they bore me out uv the wigwam. Sed one, “Wat a techin scene! overpowered by his feelins.” “Yes,” sed another: “he deserves a apintment.”

I didn’t go back to the Convenshun, coz I knowd it wan’t no yoose; and besides, after all the teers that had been shed,—the members wringin their handkerchers onto the floor,—it wuz sloppy under foot. Conciliation and tenderness gushed out uv em. I knowd it would be all right; it couldn’t be otherwise. There wuz bonds wich held the members together, and prevented the possibility uv trouble. Johnson, hevin a ambition to head a party, must hev a party to head. The Northern delegashun—wich hed formerly actid with the Ablishnists—couldn’t do nothin without the Democracy North; and both on em combined couldn’t do nothin without the Democracy South, The President cood depend on the Democracy North, coz he holds the offices; the Democracy North cood depend on the President, coz he must hev their votes. The President cood depend on the Democracy South, coz they want him to make a fight agin a Ablishen Congris, wich is a unconstooshnelly keepin uv em out, and preventin em from wollopin their niggers; the Democracy South cood depend on the President, coz he must hev their Representatives in their seats to beat the Ablishnists in Congris,—all cood depend on all, each cood depend on the other, coz each faction, or ruther each stripe, hed its little private axe to grind, wich it coodent do without the others to turn the grind-stone.