Les Bijoux Indiscrets, or, The Indiscreet Toys

by Denis Diderot

"'Who is that,' said I, 'who bears truth on his lips, and probity on his countenance.' 'He was,' replied she, 'the friend and victim to both. He spent his life in improving his fellow citizens in knowledge and virtue, and these ingrateful citizens put him to death.'

"'And this busto placed below him?' 'Which? That which appears supported by the graces carved on the sides of his pedestal?' 'The same.'—'He is the disciple and inheriter of the sense and principles of the unfortunate virtuous man above mentioned.'

"'And this lusty jolly fellow, crowned, with vine branches and myrtle, who is he?'—'A lovely philosopher, who made it his sole business to sing and taste pleasure. He died in the arms of voluptuousness.'

"'And this other blind man?'—'He is,' said she——But I waited not for her answer. I imagined I was got among my acquaintance, and hurried to a busto placed opposite to him. This was posed on a trophy of different attributes of arts and sciences: Cupids sported among them on one of the sides of the pedestal: on another was a group of the Genii of politics, history, and philosophy. On the third, on one hand appear'd two armies drawn up in battle-array; astonishment and horror dwelt on every countenance, blended with marks of admiration and pity. These passions were probably excited by an object, which was there express'd. It was a young man expiring, and by his side an aged warrior, who pointed his sword to his own breast. These figures were exquisitely beautiful, and nothing could be more artfully touch'd than the despair of the one, and the mortal languor spread throughout the limbs of the other. I drew nearer, and under it I read this inscription in gold letters: Alas! this was his son.

"On the other hand was carved a furious Sultan, plunging a ponyard into the breast of a young person, in sight of a multitude of people. Some turn'd their heads aside, others melted in tears: and round this relievo were these words engraved: Is it you, Nerestan?

"As I was passing to other busto's, a sudden noise made me look back. It was made by a band of men cloath'd in long black gowns. Some carried censers, which exhaled a gross vapor; others had garlands of flowers in their hands, gather'd without choice, and disposed without taste. They march'd up to the busto's, and offered incense to them, singing hymns in two unknown languages. The smoak of their incense stuck to the busto's, and the crowns of flowers put on them made a most ridiculous sight. But the antiques soon resumed their beauty, and I saw the crowns wither and fall shriveled on the ground. There arose a quarrel amongst this set of barbarians, because some of them had not bent the knee low enough in the opinion of others; and they were on the point of coming to blows, when my guide dispersed them with one look, and re-established tranquillity in her habitation.

"Scarcely were they eclipsed, when I saw a long train of pigmies entering by an opposite door. These little men were not two cubits high, but in recompense they had very sharp teeth and very long nails. They divided into several bands, and fell on the busto's. Some endeavour'd to scratch the basso relievo's, and the floor was strewed with the broken pieces of their nails. Others, with greater insolence, mounted on one another's shoulders, to the highth of the heads, and gave them raps with their fists. But what diverted me much, was that these raps, instead of reaching the nose of the bust, rebounded on that of the pigmy; in consequence of which, upon a close inspection, I found most of them to be flat-nosed.

"'You see,' says my guide, 'the impudence and chastisements of these myrmidons. This war has lasted a long while, and always to their disadvantage. I use them with less severity than the black gowns. The incense of the latter might possibly disfigure the busto's; but the efforts of the former generally end in augmenting their beauty. But as you have not above an hour or two to remain here, I advise you to pass to other objects.'

"A great curtain opened that instant, and I saw a work shop occupied by a different sort of pigmies. These had neither teeth nor nails; but in return they were armed with razors and scissers. In their hands they held heads, which seemed animated; and they were very busy with these heads, in cutting off the hair of one, pulling off the nose and ears of another; putting out the right eye of this, the left of that, and in dissecting almost all of them. After this fine operation, they viewed them attentively, and smiled, as if they thought them the prettiest heads in the world. In vain did the heads send forth loud cries, they scarcely deign'd to make them any answer. I heard one begging back its nose, and remonstrating that it could not possibly appear in public without that piece. 'My friend, head,' replied the pigmy, 'you are a fool. That nose, which you regret, disfigured you. It was long, long—You never would have made your fortune with it. But since it has been curtail'd and pared, you are charming, and you will have many a spark after you.'

"While the fate of those heads moved my compassion, at a distance I saw other more charitable pigmies, who were crawling on the ground with spectacles on. They were picking up noses and ears, and fitting them to some old heads, from which time had disengaged them. There were some of them, but those were few in number, who succeeded: the rest fixed the nose where the ear should be, and the ear where the nose: and this rendered the heads more disfigured than before.