[CHAP. XLIV.]
Twenty-sixth trial of the Ring.
The rambling Toy.
While the favorite and Selim were reposing after the fatigues of the preceding day, Mangogul was viewing with astonishment the magnificent appartments of Cypria. This woman had, by means of her Toy, made a fortune equal to that of a general farmer of the revenue. After having been through a long row of chambers, each surpassing the other in richness and elegance of furniture, he came to the great salon; where, in the midst of a numerous circle, he distinguished the mistress of the house by the enormous quantity of jewels, which disfigured her; and her husband, by the good-manship painted on his countenance. Two Abbés, a wit, and three academicians of Banza, were posted at the sides of Cypria's easy chair; and towards the end of the salon fluttered about two Petits-Maitres, and a young magistrate full of airs, blowing on his ruffles, incessantly adjusting his peruke, visiting his mouth, and complimenting himself in the glass that his paint held on so well. Except these three butterflies, all the company was in profound veneration for the honorable mummy, who was seated in an indecent posture, yawned, spoke while she yawned, judged of every thing, judged ill of every thing, and was never contradicted. "How," said Mangogul within himself, who had not talked alone of a long time, and was chagrined at it; "how came she to have it in her power to dishonor a man of a good family, with so wrong a turn of mind, and such a figure as she makes?" Cypria would fain pass for fair; tho' her skin, tawney striped with red, had a good resemblance with a variegated Tulip. With large eyes, she was short-sighted; she was of a squat shape, crowded features, with a long slender nose, a flat mouth, hollow cheeks, and a narrow forehead; no neck, a dry hand, and skinny arm. With those charms it was, that she inchanted her husband. The Sultan turn'd his ring on her, and instantly she began to open. The company were deceived, thinking that Cypria spoke from her mouth, and that she was going to pass judgment: whereas her Toy began in these words.
"The history of my travels. I was born in Morocco, in the year 17000000012; and I danced on the stage of the opera, when Mehemet Tripathoud, who kept me, was named ambassador extraordinary from our potent emperor to the monarch France. I followed him in this ambassy. The charms of the French women soon robbed me of my lover; and I speedily made reprisals. The courtiers greedy of novelty, would needs try Maroquine: for thus they nick-named my mistress. She treated them with great humanity; and her affability in six months brought her in twenty thousand crowns in jewels, as much more in cash, and a neat well furnished house. But the French are fickle, and I soon ceased to be in fashion. I did not mispend my time in galloping about the provinces: great talents require vast theatres. I suffered Tripathoud to return without me; and I devoted myself to the metropolis of another kingdom.
"Un my lord tres opulent, qui voyageoit en France, m'entraina a Londres. Oui, c'etoit la vraiment un homme. Il m'arrosoit six fois par jour, et six autres fois par nuit. Son v--t lancoit des dards de feu, comme la queue d'une Comete. Jamais n'ai-je ressenti des bottes si vives et si bien appliquées. Mais il n'etoit pas possible à la prouesse humaine de continuer ce train long tems: aussi se rallentit-il peu à peu, et je recus son ame distillée par son _Penis_. Il me fit present de cinquante mil guinées. A ce noble Seigneur succederent deux amateurs nouvellement revenus de course. Comme ils etoient amis intimes, ils me chevauchoient, comme ils avoient voyagés, en compagnie; chacun faisant tous ses efforts pour surpasser l'autre en vigeur et en feu. Pendant que l'un etoit a la rade, je remorqueois l'autre par son v--t, et je le preparois à une nouvelle attaque. Par un calcul tres moderé je contai cent quatre-vingt coups de balles, que je recus en huit jours. Mais je m'ennuiai bientot de tenir un compte si exacte: car leurs bordées ne finissoient pas. Ils me payerent douze mil guinées pour ma part des captures qu'ils avaient faites. Dés que l'hiver fut passé, ils furent contraints de mettre à la voile; et ils auroient bien voulu m'engager en qualité d'Allege: mais j'avois deja fait contract avec un Comte Allemand.
"Duxit me Viennam in Austria patriam suam, ubi venereâ voluptate, quantâ maximâ poteram, ingurgitatus sum, per menses tres integros ejus splendidè nimis epulatus hospes. Illi, rugosi et contracti Lotharingo more colei, et eo usque longa crassaque mentula, ut dimidiam nondum acciperem, quamvis iterato coitu fractus rictus mihi miserè pateret. Immanem ast usu frequenti vagina tandem admisit laxè gladium; novasque excogitavimus artes, quibus fututionum quotidianaram vinceremus fastidium. Modò me resupinum agitabat; modò ipsum, eques adhærescens inguinibus, motu quasi tolutario versabam. Sæpe turgentem spumantemque admovit ori priapum, simulque appressis ad labia labiis, fellatrice me linguâ perfricuit. Etsi veneri nunquam indulgebat posticæ, à tergo me tamen adorsus, cruribus altera sublato, altera depresso, inter femora subibat, voluptaria quærens per impedimenta transire. Amatoria Sanchesii præcepta calluit ad unguem, et festivas Aretini tabulas sic expressit, ut nemo melius. His a me laudibus acceptis, multis florenorum millibus mea solvit obsequia, et Romam secessi.
"Quella Citta è il tempio de Venere, ed il soggiorno delle delizie. Tuttavia mi dispiaceva, que le natiche leggiadre sossero là encora più festeggiate delle più belle potte; quello che provai il terno giorno del mio arrivo in quel paese. Una Cortigiana illustre si offerisce a farmi guadagnare mila scudi, s'io voleva passar la sera con esso lei in una vigna. Accettai l'invito; salimmo in una carozza, e giungemmo in un luogo da lei ben conosciuto, nel quale due cavaliere colle braghenesse rosse si fecero incontro à noi, e ci condussero in un boschetto spesso e solto, dove cavatosi subito le vesti, vedemmo i più furiosi cazzi che risaltero mai. Ogn'uno chiavò la sua. Il trastullo poi si prese à quadrille, dopo per farsi guattare in bocca, poscia nelle tette; alla perfine, uno de chiavatori impadronissi del mio rivale, mentro l'altro mi lavorava. L'istesso fu fatto alla conduttrice mia; e ciò tutto dolcemente condito di bacci alla fiorentina. E quando i campioni nostri ebbero posto fine alla battaglia, facemmo la fricardella per risvegliar il gusto a quei benedetti Signori, i quali ci pagarono con generosita. In più volte simili guadagnai con loro sessanta mila scudi; e due altre volte tanto, con colloro che mi proccurava la Cortigiana. Mi ricordo di uno che visitava mi spesso, e che sborrava sempre due volte senza cavarlo; e d'un altro il quale usciva da me pian piano, per entrare sotilmente nel mio vicino; e per questo bastava fare sù e giù le natiche. Ecco una uzanza curiosa che si prattica in Italia."
Cypria's Toy continued her history; in a strain half Congese and half Spanish. In all probability it was not a sufficient master of the latter language, to employ it alone. "A language is not learnt," says the African author, who would sooner hang himself, than miss a common observation, "without talking it much:" and Cypria's Toy had little or no time to talk at Madrid.