That evening Leonardo did not find his accustomed solace in his mathematics. He walked the room, seated himself, began a drawing, flung it aside. His mind was vaguely uneasy; there was something he must decide, yet could not. His thought reverted continually to the same thing; how Boltraffio had fled to Savonarola, had returned, and for a time had settled down to work, recovering his calm in the pursuit of art; but ever since that disastrous trial by fire, and especially since the news of the prophet's approaching execution had reached Milan, he had again been racked by doubts and regret. Leonardo understood how he suffered; how again he felt the necessity to go away, yet could not make up his mind to leave; how terrible was the struggle in a nature too deep not to feel, too weak to overcome its own contradictions. Sometimes Leonardo fancied he must himself drive his disciple away in order to save him.
A bitter smile came to his lips as he thought:—
'It is true that I—I only—have ruined him! 'Tis a just accusation that I have the evil eye! How am I to help him?'
He rose and mounted the steep dark stair, knocked at a door, and receiving no answer opened it and went in. In the narrow room the darkness was scarce broken by the little lamp burning before the figure of the Madonna; rain was splashing on the roof, and the autumn wind howled mournfully. A black crucifix was suspended against the white wall. Giovanni, still dressed, his face hidden in the pillow, lay in the unrestful position of a suffering child.
'Are you asleep?' asked the Master, bending over him.
He started up, with a faint cry, gazing with the same terror-struck eyes and defensive hands that Leonardo had seen with the little Maia.
'Why, Giovanni! Giovanni! What is the matter? It is only I!'
Boltraffio came to himself, passing his hand slowly over his eyes.
'Ah! it is you, Messer Leonardo! I fancied—I have had a terrible dream! But is it really you?' he repeated, his brows contracted as if he could hardly believe his eyes.
The Master sat on the bedside and touched the lad's forehead.