Deadlock: Pilgrimage, Volume 6

by Dorothy M. Richardson

When they left the tea-room he plunged rapidly along as if unaware of his surroundings. The whole Museum was there, unexplored, and this was his first visit. He assented indifferently to her suggestion that they should just look at the Elgin Marbles, and stood unmoved before the groups, presently saying with some impatience that here, too, the air was oppressive and he would like to go into the freshness.

Out in the street he walked quickly along brumming to himself. She felt they had been long acquainted; the afternoon had abolished embarrassments, but he was a stranger. She had nothing to say to him; perhaps there would be no more communications. She looked forward with uneasiness to the evening’s lesson. They were both tired; it would be an irretrievable failure to try to extend their afternoon’s achievement; and she would have to pass the intervening time alone with her growing incapability, while he recovered his tone at the dinner-table. The thought of him there, socially alive while she froze in her room, was intolerable. She too would go in to dinner ... their present association was too painful to part upon. She bent their steps cheerfully in the direction of home. Excuse me, he said suddenly, I will take here fruits, and he disappeared into a greengrocer’s shop emerging presently munching from an open bag of grapes.......

Supposing books had no names ..... Villette had meant nothing for years; a magic name until somebody said it was Brussels ....... she was impressed by St. Paul’s dome in the morning because it was St. Paul’s. That spoilt the part about the journey; waking you up with a start like the end of a dream. St. Paul’s sticking out through the text; someone suddenly introduced to you at a gathering, standing in front of you, blocking out the general sense of things; until you began to dance, when it came back until you stopped, when the person became a person again, with a name, and special things had to be said. St. Paul’s could not be got into the general sense of the journey; it was a quotation from another world; a smaller world than Lucy Snowe and her journey.

Yet it would be wonderful to wake up at a little inn in the city and suddenly see St. Paul’s for the first time. Perhaps it was one of those journey moments of suddenly seeing something celebrated, and missing the impression through fear of not being impressed enough; and trying to impress your impression by telling of the thing by name ...... everybody had that difficulty. The vague shimmer of gas-lit people round the table all felt things without being able to express them ...... she glowed towards the assembled group; towards everyone in the world. For a moment she looked about in detail, wanting to communicate her thought and share a moment of general agreement. Everybody was talking, looking spruce and neat and finished, in the transforming gaslight. Each one something that would never be expressed, all thinking they were expressing things and not knowing the lonely look visible behind the eyes they turned upon the world, of their actual selves as they were when they were alone. But they were all saying things they wanted to say ....... they did express themselves, in relation to each other; they grew in knowledge of each other, in approval or disapproval, tested each other and knew, behind their strange immovable positive conversations about things that were all matters of opinion perpetually shifting, in a marvellous way each others’ characters. They also knew after the first pleasant moment of meeting eyes and sounding voices when one tried to talk in their way, that one was playing them false. The glow could live for awhile when one had not met them for some time; but before the end of the meeting one was again condemned, living in heavy silence, whilst one’s mind whirled with the sense of their clear visions and the tantalising inclination to take, for life, the mould of one or other point of view.

How obliviously they all talked on. She thanked them. With their talk flowing across the table, giving the central golden glow of light a feeling of permanence, her failures in life, strident about the room, were visible and audible only to herself. If she could remain silent, they would die down, and the stream of her unworthy life would merge, before he appeared, into a semblance of oneness with these other lives....... She caught the dark Russian eyes of Mr. Rodkin sitting opposite. He smiled through his glasses, his dry, sweet, large-eyed smile, his head turned listening to his neighbour. She beamed her response, relieved, as if they had had a long satisfactory conversation. He would have understood ... in spite of his commercial city-life. He accepted everybody. He was the central kindliness of the room. No wonder Mrs. Bailey was so fond of him and leant upon his presence, in spite of his yawning hatred of Sundays. He was illuminated; she had his secret at last given her by Mr. Shatov. Russian kindliness...... Russians understand silence and are not afraid of it? Kindly silence comes out of their speech, and lies behind it, leaving things the same whatever has been said? This would be truer of him than of Mr. Shatov ....... moy word. Shatov at the station with his father. You never saw such a thing. Talking to the old boy as if he was a porter; snapping his head off whenever he spoke...... She pulled up sharply. If she thought of him, the fact that she was only passing the time would become visible ...... what was that just now, opening; about silence?

There is no need to go out into the world. Everything is there without anything; the world is added. And always whatever happens there is everything to return to. The pattern round her plate was life, alive, everything ...... what was that idea I used to have? Enough for one person in the world would be enough for everybody ...... how did it go? It was so clear, while the voice corneted out spoiling the sunshine, ...... “oh yes we were very jolly; very jolly party, talking all the time. Miss Hood’s song sounding out at intervals, Halcyon weather.” ...... “Do you ever feel how much there is everywhere?” “Nachah’s abundance?” “No. I don’t mean that. I mean that nearly everything is wasted. Not things, like soap; but the meanings of things. If there is enough for one person there is enough for everybody.” “You mean that one happy man makes the whole universe glad?” “He does. But I don’t mean that. I mean—everything is wasted all the time, while people are looking about and arranging for more things.” “You would like to simplify life? You feel man needs but little here below?” “He doesn’t need anything. People go on from everything as if it were nothing and never seem to know there is anything.” “But isn’t it just the stimulus of his needs that keeps him going?” “Why need he keep going? that is just my point.” “Je ne vois pas la nécessité, you would say with Voltaire?” “The necessity of living? Then why didn’t he hang himself.” “I suppose because he taught in song what he learned in sorrow” ...... How many people knew that Maeterlinck had explained in words what life was like inside? Seek ye first the Kingdom .... the test is if people want you at their death-beds. None of these people would want me at their death-beds. Yet they all ask deliberate questions, shattering the universe. Maeterlinck would call them innocent questions about the weather and the crops, behind which they gently greet each other....... Women always know their questions are insincere, a treachery towards their silent knowledge......

He must read the chapter on silence and then the piece about the old man by his lamp. That would make everything clear ..... where was he all this time? Dinner was nearly over. Perhaps he was going out. She contemplated her blank evening. His voice sounded in the hall. How inconvenient for people with very long eyelashes to have to wear glasses she thought, engrossing herself in a sudden vision of her neighbour’s profile. He was coming through the hall from seeing somebody out of the front door. If she could be talking to someone she would feel less huge. She tried to catch Mr. Rodkin’s eye to ask him if he had read Tolstoy. Mr. Shatov had come in, bowing his deep-voiced greeting, and begun talking to Mr. Rodkin before he was in his chair, as if they were in the middle of a conversation. Mr. Rodkin answered at once without looking at him, and they went on in abrupt sentences one against the other, the sentences growing longer as they talked.

Sissie did not hear the remark about the weather because she too was attending to the rapid Russian sentences. She was engrossed in them, her pale blue eyes speculative and serene. Miriam watched in swift glances. The brilliant colour that Mr. Shatov had seemed to distribute when he sat down, had shrunk to himself. He sat there warm and rich, with easy movements and easily moving thoughts, his mind far away, his features animated under his raised carelessly singing eye-brows, by his irascible comments on Mr. Rodkin’s rapped-out statements. The room grew cold, every object stiff with lifeless memory, as they sat talking Mr. Rodkin’s business. Everyone sitting round the table was clean-cut, eaten into by the raw edge of the winter night, gathered for a moment in the passing gas-lit warmth, to separate presently and face an everlastingly renewed nothingness...... The charm of the Russian words, the fascination of grasping the gist of the theme broke in vain against the prevailing chill. If the two should turn away from each other and bend their glowing faces, their strangely secure foreign independence towards the general bleakness, its dreadful qualities would swell to a more active torment, all meanings lost in empty voices uttering words that no one would watch or explain. There was a lull. Their conversation was changing. Mr. Shatov had sat back in his chair with a Russian word that hung in the air and spread music. His brows had come down and he was glancing thoughtfully about the table. She met Mr. Rodkin’s eyes and smiled and turned again to Sissie with her remark about the weather. Sissie’s face came round surprised. She disagreed, making a perfect comment on the change that left Miriam marvelling at her steady ease of mind. She agreed in an enthusiastic paraphrase, her mind busy on the hidden source of her random emphasis. It could rest, everything could rest for awhile, for a little time to come, for some weeks perhaps..... But he would bring all those books; with special meanings in them that every one seemed to understand and agree about; real at the beginning and then going off into things and never coming back. Why could she not understand them? Finding things without following the story was like being interested in a lesson without mastering what you were supposed to master and not knowing anything about it afterwards that you could pass on or explain. Yet there was something, or why did school which had left no knowledge and no facts seem so alive? Why did everything seem alive in a way it was impossible to explain? Perhaps part of the wrong of being a lazy idiot was being happy in a way no one else seemed to be happy.

If one was an idiot, people like Mr. Shatov would not.... He looked straight across, a swift observant glance. She turned once more towards Sissie making herself smilingly one with the conversation that was going on between her and her further neighbour and listened eagerly across the table; “Gracieuse” Mr. Shatov was saying at the end of a sentence, dropping from objection to restatement. Mr. Rodkin had asked him if he did not think her pretty. That would be his word. He would have no other word. Mr. Shatov had looked considering the matter for the first time. “Gracieuse.” Surely that was the very last thing she could be. But he thought it.

Grace was a quality, not an appearance. Strong-minded and plain. That, she knew, was the secret verdict of women; or, doesn’t know how to make the best of herself. She pondered, seeking in vain for any source of grace. Grace was delicacy, refinement, little willowy cattish movements of the head, the inner mind fixed always on the proprieties, making all the improprieties visible, ....... streaming from the back-view of their unconscious hair .....