30
And she blamed herself. If only she would not blame herself. “He’s one in a thousand ... if only I could be as calm and cool as he is.” Why not be calm and cool? She had gone too far ... “the end of my tether” ... mother, a clever phrase like that, where had she got it? It was true. Her suffering had taught her to find that awful phrase. She feared her room, “loathed” it. She, always gently scolding exaggeration, used and meant that violent word.
31
Money. That was why nothing had been done. “The doctor” had to be afforded as she was so ill, but nothing had been done. Borrow from the boys to take her away. “A bright place and a cool breeze.” She dreamed of things—far-away impossible things. Had she told the others she wanted them? They must be told. To-morrow she should know she was going away. Nothing else in life mattered. Someone must pay, anyone. Newlands must go. To-morrow and every day till they went away she should come round to Harriett’s new house. Something for her to do every day.
The little bonneted figure ... happy, shocked, smiling. To go about with her, telling her everything, dreadful things. The two of them going about and talking and not talking, and going about.
32
Miriam moved uneasily to the mantelpiece. An unlit fire was laid neatly in the grate. A ray of sunlight struck the black bars of the grate; false uneasy sunlight. Two strange round-bowled long-necked vases stood on the mantelpiece amongst the litter of Bob’s belongings. Dull blue and green enamellings moving on a dark almost black background ... strange fine little threads of gold.... She peered at them.
“My dear girl, do you like my vases?” Bob came and stood at her side.
“Yes—they’re funny and queer. I like them.”
“They’re clawzonny—Japanese clawzonny.” He took one of them up and tapped it with his nail. It gave out a curious dull metallic ring. Miriam passed her finger over the enamelled surface. It was softly smooth and with no chill about it; as if the enamel were alive. She marvelled at the workmanship, wondering how the gold wires were introduced. They gleamed, veining over the curves of the vase.