Every friend to tea at the club is an event. Never-to-be-forgotten. What each one says is written in my memory. And all of them are more real there than on their own backgrounds. Simpler.
They are overwhelming, bringing both life and themselves; at large. Shining; so that I want not to talk to them, but to keep them there in place and contemplate them.
But for them it is dull. Perhaps embarrassing. They find me empty-minded, distraite. And do not know why I am distraite. When they go, there is no reason for asking them to come again, but my desire to contemplate them.
Except Mrs. Orly.
Every moment in her presence is realisation. She babbles.... Has no ideas. No self. Knows nothing about anyone. But redeems everyone.... God can’t be worse than Mrs. Orly. And if she were on the judgment-seat, everyone would be recklessly forgiven. With a flushed little face and flashing eyes she would spank. Flare and scold. And then, pitiful helping hands. Unscrupulously covering.
Having no self, she brings everyone a rich sense of self.
Most people, all the time, in every relationship, seek only themselves. Past selves, if they are old....
Affection is joy in things past or things to come? Bereavement is losing one’s deposits.... That would explain why old people always think the past, the world of their own time, better than the one that is developing under their eyes. We can take only what we have. Even from genius. The accepting party must have within himself the same genius. Otherwise, no taking what is given. There comes a new way of thinking; a new world. But ultimately the changed world is the action of one’s own spirit. The only sureness in things is the action of one’s own spirit. Egoism. But egoism carried far enough....
Whoso would save his life must lose it. But not for the sake of saving it. And first he must have a life he loves well enough to make it worth losing. Perhaps all those big sayings of Christ are dangerous for small people. So the Catholics won’t trust them with the Bible. The Bible let loose means a crowd of uncultured little churches; fighting each other.
Insufficient egoism keeps people plaintive. That’s another line of thought, but it joins. Egoism must be huge. Free from self.