THE
WITTY EXPLOITS
OF
MR GEORGE BUCHANAN.

PART I.

Mr. George Buchanan was a Scotsman born, and though of mean parentage, made great progress in learning. As for his understanding and ready wit he excelled all men then alive in the age, that ever proposed questions to him. He was servant or teacher to king James the VI., and one of his private counsellors; but publicly acted as his fool.

1. It happened one day that a young airy nobleman went into the king’s garden to pull a flower for a young lady he fancied; George followed at a distance, so when the young man found a flower he fancied, he would not pull it himself, but to find it again, without farther search, he covered it with his hat, and went away for his sweatheart. No sooner was he gone, but up goes George, lifts his hat, and pulls the flower, then eases himself on the spot, covers it with the hat again, and away he goes. Soon after, the young gentleman returned, leading his sweatheart to pull the flower below the hat; but as soon as he lifted the hat, and saw what was below it, he looked like a fool; and the lady flying in a passion, sets off, and would never countenance him any more. The young gentleman being sadly vexed an this affront given to him by George, sent him a challenge to fight him, appointing day and place where they were to meet. Being to fight on horseback, George gets an old stiff horse, and for harnessing, covers him about with blown bladders, with small stones in each, without either sword or spear; and away to the field he goes, where the duel was appointed. So when George saw his enemy coming against him, all in glittering armour, armed with sword and spear, he made up to him with all the speed his horse could carry him; when the small stones in the bladders made such a rattling noise, that the gentleman’s fine gelding would not stand the battle, but ran away, and threw his master to the ground: which caused all the spectators to laugh, and say, the gentleman was more fool than George. The gentleman being still more enraged at this second affront, he would fight with George on foot; but his friends persuaded him that it would be no honour for him to fight and kill the king’s fool; and far less to be killed by the fool. So they were advised both to agree. But the gentleman would try another exploit with George, for to have it said he was still the cleverest man, viz:—To hold him a jumping-bout publickly, the next day thereafter. With all my heart, says George, and we will end in and about where we began, they not knowing his meaning in this. The place and hour being set, where they were to meet next morning. George in the night-time, caused a deep pit to be made, and the earth of it carried away; then filled it up with dung from a p——, and covered it over with a green turf, that it might not be known by the other ground. So, according to promise, they both met in the morning against the appointed time. Now, George being the oldest man, and by them counted the greatest fool, the young spark permitted him to jump first, which he according to order did, and jumped within a foot of the place where the ground was falsified. The young man seeing this, made his performance with great airs, and all his might, so that he jumped a foot over George, but, up to the oxters among clean dung! whereat, the whole multitude of spectators cried out with huzzas and laughter. Now, says George, I told you we would end in and about where we began, and that is in clean dirt.

2. On a time after this, the king and his court were going into the country, and they would have George to ride before them in the fool’s dress; whereunto he seemed unwilling, but it was the king’s pleasure. So George was mounted upon an old horse, with a pair of old riven boots, the heels hanging down, and a palmer coat, patched over with pictures of divers kinds. George rode before them in this posture which caused great laughter and diversion, until they came to an inn, where they alighted to dine, and in the time they were at dinner, George went into the stables, and with a knife cut all their horses’ chafts, not sore, but so as they might bleed. Now, as soon as dinner was over, and they mounted on their horses again, George riding before them as usual, in his palmer coat and old boots, they began to make their game of him: then George turning about suddenly, and clapping his hands with a loud laughter, the king asked him what made him laugh so? Laugh, says George, how can I but laugh, when horses cannot hold their peace? O my sovereign, says he, don’t you see how your horses have rent their chafts laughing at my old boots! Then, every man looking at his horse’s mouth, they were all in a rage against George. The king, causing George to dismount directly, and charged him never to let him see his face on English ground. Now, George knowing that nothing could reconcile the king at this time, he came away to Scotland, and caused them to make a pair of great boots, and put a quantity of Scottish earth in each of them, and away he goes for London, to see the king once more. He hearing the king and his court was to pass through a town, George places himself up in an old window, and sets up his bare a——, to the king and his court as they passed. The king being greatly amazed to see such an unusual honour done to him, was curious to know the performer: so he called unto him, desiring him to come down; and finding it to be George, sir, says the king, did not I charge you never to let me see your face again? True my sovereign, says George, for which cause I let you see my a——. But says the king, you was never to come on English ground again. Neither I did, says George, pulling off his boots before the king, behold, my Sovereign, it is all Scots earth I stand upon. The king and his court being greatly diverted with this merry joke, George was admitted again to the king’s favour.

3. After this there arose a debate betwixt the king and the queen about votes in the parliament; as the king had two votes, the queen would have one, and would needs be a parliamenter, or no peace without preferment. This matter was committed to George by the king; so it was agreed among the parliamenters, that the queen should be admitted into parliament for a day. Accordingly she came, and was received with all the honour and congratulations that was due and becoming her high station: but before any matter of consequence was brought to the board, George seated himself hard by the queen’s seat; all being silent, he rose up very quickly, lifted one of his legs, let a loud f——t, which set the whole house a-laughing; whereat the queen was greatly offended, and said, go, take the rogue and hang him, to which George answered, a fine parliamenter indeed, to hang a man for a sinless infirmity, and that’s a f——t. The queen being enraged at the affront put on her first appearance in parliament, went off in a passion, and never would countenance them more. But yet to be revenged on George, she would never give the king rest, till he delivered George into her hands, that he might be punished at her pleasure; which the king accordingly commanded to be done, knowing that George would rescue himself by some intrigue or other. No sooner was he delivered into her hands, but she and her maids of honour pronounced his doom, which was as follows:—As he had affronted the queen among so great an equipage, who ought to be honoured in chief above all women in the nation, that he should be stoned to death by the hands of women. Now the time being come that he had to die, according to their appointment, he was taken into a park, where a great number of women were waiting for him, with their aprons full of stones, to fall upon him, and put him to death according to the queen’s appointment.

GEORGE’S SPEECH TO HIS EXECUTIONERS.

Here’s a female band with bags of stones

To kill a man for rumple groans: