THE MERRY TRICKS
OF
LEPER THE TAILOR.
Leper’s father lived in a village about six miles from Glasgow, and died when he was but very young; he left a widow and three children, two daughters and a son; Leper being the youngest, was greatly idolized by his mother, who was a good soft-natured woman, very industrious, and followed the bleaching of cloth.
As Leper grew up he grew a very mischievous boy, playing many tricks on the neighbourhood, such as tying cats to dogs tails, breaking hens legs, stopping peoples lums, or chimney-tops; so that his poor mother was sadly vexed with complaints against him.
To get him kept from mischief, she prevailed with a Tailor to take him an apprentice; he settled, and was very peaceable for some time, until he got as much of his trade on his finger ends as he might pass for a journeyman, and then he was indifferent whether he staid with his master or not; his mistress gave him but very little meat when he wrought at home, so he liked best to be in other houses, where he got meat and diversion.
Leper being resolved on revenge against his mistress for her thin kail, no kitchen, and little bread; for though flesh was boiled in the pot none for poor Leper and his master, but a little bit on Sundays, and all the bones were kept and put in the pot, to make the broth through the week. Leper perceived always when she took of the pot, she turned her back and took out the flesh, and set it on a shelf in her own bed-room; one night after work, he steals out a pan, cuts a piece of flesh out of a dead horse, and then goes to a lime kiln, and boils it; next day his master being from home, his landlady and him being in the house, after she had set of the pot as usual, and taken out her bit of good beef, he goes out for some time and then comes in, saying, the minister’s lass is wishing to see you, to go directly and speak to her mistress. Off she goes in all haste, Leper runs and takes away her bits of good meat, and lays down his horse flesh; and knowing she would return in a passion, and sit down with a soss in her cushion chair, as she used, he takes a large pin, and staps it straight through the cushion with its head on the chair and the point to her backside. So in she comes in a rage, and down she sits with all her weight on the pin point, and she roars out murder! murder! for she was sticket in the a—e: the neighbours came running in, and Leper went out with his bit of good beef, leaving the wives to doctor his landlady’s doup, as they pleased; he still denied the doing of it, and his master believed it might happen accidently, but the houdie was very oft to be had before it was got hale again; and his landlady by eating of the horse beef, took such a loathing at flesh, that Leper and his master got all the beef ever after, and his landlady turned one of the kindest mistresses a prentice could wish for.
There was a neighbour wife on whom Leper used to play tricks sometimes, for which she came and complained to his master and had him severely beaten several times, Leper resolved to be revenged on her, so one night he came to the backside of the house, (no one being in but herself) and took up a big stone, and runs along the rough wall with all his strength, which roared like thunder in the inside of the house, and frighted the wife so, that she thought the house was tumbling down about her ears, and she ran out and sat down at a distance, looking every minute when the house would fall down, till her husband came home and persuaded her to go in, to whom she told the above story; ‘hout tout, daft tapie,’ said he, ‘the house will stand these hundred years.’ Leper knowing they were both in, comes and plays the same trick over again, which also frightened the goodman so much, that he cried out—‘run Maggy, run, for my heart plays pitty patty.’ And they would not lodge in the house any more, till the masons convinced them of its sufficiency.
There was another neighbour who had a snarling cur dog, which bit Leper’s leg; Leper resolved to be revenged on the dog, and so one night he catches the dog, and carries him to the kirk where the rope of the bell hung on the outside, so with his garter he tied the dog’s fore foot to the rope, and left him hanging; the dog struggling to get free set the bell a ringing, which alarmed the whole village, every one cried out ‘wonderful fire! wonderful fire! the devil is ringing the bell.’ When they saw the black colly hang at the rope, I trow it set the minister and all the people to their prayers: but Leper fearing he would be detected by his garter, came to the minister’s side, and asked the reverend gentleman what was the matter; indeed my bairn, said he, ’tis the deil ringing the kirk bell; says Leper, I’ll go and see him, for I never saw the devil; the minister cried stop the mad laddie, but Leper ran and loosed the dog, crying it’s such a man’s dog, which had the rope in its teeth; they all cried out, ‘the deil’s i’ the cur, the deil’s i’ the dog,’ then took up stone and felled poor colley, and the devil got the blame of making the dog ring the bell.—This spread Leper’s fame, for being one of the wisest and most courageous tailors that was in all the kingdom; and many shaking their heads, said, ‘it was a pity he was a tailor, but a captain or general of an army, as the devil could not fear him.’
After this a farmer in the neighbourhood hearing the fame of Leper, how he had frighted the deil frae being a bellman, sent for him to an alehouse, and drank with him very heartily, and told him he was sadly borne down by a spirit of jealousy against his wife; and a suspicion of her being too free with a servant lad he had before; and if he would keep it a secret and learn him to find it out, he would give his mother a load of meal, to which Leper agreed; so he gave the poor supposed cockold instructions how to behave. So home he goes, and feins himself very sick, and every day worse and worse, taking death to him; blesses his three small children, and charges his wife not to marry until his children could do something for themselves, this hypocritical woman takes a crying, Aha! marry, she would never marry! no no there should never a man lie by my side, or kiss my lips, after thee, my ain dear lamb Johnny. Then he acts the dead man as well as he possibly could, the neighbours were called in, and he’s fairly o’erseen, as the old saying is, before good neighbours. The sorrowful widow made sad lament, wrung her hands and tore her hair.—The reverend women about began to dress the corpse, asked her for a shirt. Ay, ay, said she, he has twa new linen sarks, and there is an auld ane in the bottom o’ the kist, that nae body can wear, ony things good enough for the grave; well, said they, we must have some linen for a winding sheet, a weel, quo’ she, I ha’e twa cut o’ linen i’ the kist neuk, but there’s a pare o’ auld linen sheets, hol’d i’ the middle, may do well enough, I had need to be carefu’, I’m a poor widow the day, wi’ three sma’ bairns.