Two friends, who had not seen each other a great while, meeting by chance, one asked the other how he did? He replied, that he was not very well, and was married since they had last met. That is good news indeed. Nay, not so very good neither, for I married a shrew. That is bad, too. Not so bad, neither, for I had two thousand pounds with her. That is well again. Not so well neither, for I laid it out in sheep, and they all died of the rot. That was hard, in truth. Not so hard neither, for I sold the skins for more than the sheep cost me. Aye that made you amends. Not so much amends neither, for I laid out my money in a house, and it was burned. That was a great loss, indeed. Not so great a loss, neither—for my wife was burned in it!
A religious English gentleman lately advertised for a coachman, and had a great number of applications. One of them he approved of, and told him, if his character answered, he would take him on the terms which they had agreed: But, said he, my good fellow, as I am rather a particular man, it may be proper to inform you, that every evening, after the business in the stable is done, I shall expect you to come to my house for a quarter of an hour, to attend family prayers—to this I suppose you can have no objection? Why, as to that, Sir, (replied the fellow) I does not see much to say against it, but I hope you’ll consider it in my wages.
An English gentleman being taken ill of the yellow fever at Jamaica, a lady, whom he had married in that island, indirectly hinted to him, in the presence of an Irish physician, who attended him, the propriety of making his will, in a country where people are so apt to die. The physician, thinking his judgement called in question, tartly replied, Truly, Madam, I wish you would tell me that country where people do not die, and I will go and end my days there.
A man being asked by his neighbours, how his wife did? made this answer: Indeed, neighbour, the case is pitiful, my wife fears she shall die, and I fear she will not die, which makes a most disconsolate house.
A great crowd being gathered about a poor cobbler who had just died in the street, a man asked Alexander Stevens what was to be seen? Only a Cobler’s End, replied he.
Bayle says that a woman will inevitably divulge every secret with which she is intrusted, except one, and that is—her own age.
An Irish soldier, who came over with General Moore, being asked if he met with much hospitality in Holland? O yes, replied he, too much: I was in the hospital almost all the time I was there.
The Duchess of York being in want of a laundress, desired the housekeeper to look out for some person to fill that situation. A decent looking woman was accordingly recommended; but the housekeeper objected to her, and, in the Duke’s presence observed, that she was a soldier’s wife, and that these people were generally bad characters. What’s that you say, (replied the Duke) a soldier’s wife! pray what is your mistress?—Engage the woman this instant.
In a great storm at sea, when the ships crew were all at prayers, a boy burst into a violent fit of laughter; being reproved for his ill-timed mirth, and asked the reason of it, Why, said he, I was laughing to think what a hissing the boatswain’s red nose will make when it comes into the water. This ludicrous remark set the crew a-laughing, inspired them with new spirits, and by a great exertion they brought the vessel safe into port.
The following curious paragraph, in honour of the Dutch physicians, was lately inserted in one of the London Paper:—“The mortality in Groningen, Delft, and Rotterdam, was at first very great; but after the death of the three physicians, it is stated to have abated very considerably.”