A citizen dying greatly in debt, it coming to his creditors’ ears, Farewell, said one there is so much of mine gone with him. And he carried so much of mine, said another. One hearing them make their several complaints, said, Well, I see now, that tho’ a man can carry nothing of his own out of the world, yet he may carry a great deal of other men’s.
A young fellow in the country, after having an affair with a girl in the neighbourhood, said, What shall I do, Bess, if you prove with child? Oh! very well, said she for I am to be married to-morrow.
A Bachelor friend of ours had a fine tortoise, which was allowed to creep about the kitchen. Some time ago he hired a raw country girl, who never had seen nor had of a tortoise in her life. One day he says to her, ‘Marget, what’s become of the tortoise?—I have not seen it for some days.’ But Marget ‘didna ken ought about it.’ ‘You had letter light a candle, and see if it has not got into the coal-hole: poor thing! it will be starving for want of meat.’ A candle was accordingly lighted, and looking over her shoulder, he observed it, as he had expected, snug among the coals. ‘Ah, there it is, poor creature!’ said he: ‘take it out, and place it near the fire.’ ‘Is that what ye ca’ the tortoise?” quoth Marget in astonishment: ‘Od, Sir, I’ve been breaking the coals wi’t this fortnight past!’
A few days ago a hawker, while cheapning his haberdashery wares, was bawling out, ‘Here’s the real good napkins: they’ll neither tear, wear, ruffle, nor rive; throw in the washing, or go back in the pressing. All the water between the rocks of Gibraltar and the Cape of Good Hope will not alter the colour of them. They were woven seven miles below ground by the light of diamonds; and the people never saw day light but once in the seven years. They were not woven by a brosy clumsy apprentice boy, but by a right and tight good tradesman, who got two eggs, and a cup tea, and a glass of whisky to his breakfast; and every thread is as long and strong as would hang a bull, or draw a man-of-war ship into harbour.’
A man in the last stage of destitution, came before the sitting Magistrate, at Lambeth Street, and stated that having by the operation of the new Poor Laws, been suddenly deprived of parish assistance, he was reduced to such extremity, that if not instantly relieved he must be driven to do a deed that his soul abhorred. The worthy Magistrate instantly ordered him five shillings from the poor-box, and after a suitable admonition against giving way to despair, asked him what dreadful deed he would have been impelled to do, but for this seasonable relief; ‘To work,’ said the man, with a deep sigh, as he left the office.
One day, at the table of the late Dr. Pearse, (Dean of Ely,) just as the cloth was removing, the subject of discourse happened to be that of an extraordinary mortality amongst the lawyers. ‘We have lost,’ said a gentleman, ‘not less than six eminent barristers in as many months.’—The Dean, who was quite deaf, rose as his friend finished his remark, and gave the company grace—‘For this, and every other mercy, the Lord’s name be praised!’
In Salem, Massachusets, after the heavy and deep snow fall, a man was discovered sticking sticks into a huge ‘winter bank of snow.’ On being asked why he amused himself thus? ‘Amuse!’ said he, with a voice which betrayed the deepest anxiety of mind, ‘fine amusement! I have lost my shop—it used to stand somewhere near this spot.’
During the last Assizes, in a case of assault and battery, where a stone had been thrown by the defendant, the following clear and conclusive evidence was drawn out of a Yorkshireman:—Did you see the defendant throw the stone?—I saw a stone, and I’ze pretty sure the defendant throwed it.—Was it a large stone?—I should say it war a largeish stone.—What was its size?—I should say sizeable stone.—Can’t you answer definitely how big it was?—I should say it wur a stone of some bigness.—Can’t you give the jury some idea of the stone?—Why, as near as I recollect, it wur something of a stone.—Can’t you compare it to some other object?—Why, if I wur to compare it, so as to give some notion of the stone, I should say it wur as large as a lump of chalk.
FINIS.