John Cheap, the Chapman's Library. Vol. 1: Comic and Humorous / The Scottish Chap Literature of Last Century, Classified

by Dougal Graham

This Thomas Black, vulgarly called Lothian Tom, because he was of that country, was born about four miles from Edinburgh; his father being a wealthy farmer, gave him a good education, which he was very awkward in receiving, being a very wild mischievous boy.

When he was about ten years of age, he was almost killed by the stroke of a horse’s foot, which his father had who had a trick of kicking at every person that came behind him. But when Tom got heal of the dreadful wound, whereof many thought he would have died, to be even with the horse, he gets a clog, or piece of tree which was full of wooden pins, such a thing as the shoe makers use to soften their leather on, and with a rope he tied it to the couple-bauk in the stable directly opposite to the horse’s tail, then gets on the bauk, and gives it a swing, so that the pikes in the end of it, came with full drive against the horse’s backside, which made him fling, and the more he flung and struck at it, it rebounded back, and struck him again; the battle lasted with great fury for a long time, which was good fun for Tom, until his father hearing some noise in the stable, came to know the matter, and was surprised to see the poor animal tanning his own hide, with his legs all cut and bloody! he cut the rope and the battle was ended; but the poor horse would never afterwards kick at any thing that came behind him.

It happened one day that Tom went a fishing, and brought home a few small fish, which his grandmother’s cat snapt up in the dark. So Tom to have justice of the cat for so doing, catches her, and put her into a little tub, or cog, then sets her adrift in a small mill-dam, ordering her to go a fishing for herself; then set two or three dogs upon her, and a most terrible sea fight ensued, as ever was seen on fresh water; for if any of the dogs, when attempting to board her, set up their noses, baudrins came flying to that place, to repulse them with her claws; then the vessel was like to be overset by the weight of herself, so she had to flee to the other, and finding the same there from thence to the middle, where she sat mewing always turning herself about, combing their noses with her foot. The old woman being informed of the dangerous situation of her dearly beloved cat, came running with a long poll to beat off the dogs and haul her ashore. What now, says Tom, if you be going to take part with my enemies, you shall have part of their reward; then gives the old woman such a push that she tumbled into the dam over head and ears, beside her beloved cat, and would undoubtedly have perished in the water had not one of the people who was there looking at the diversion, come to her relief.

After this Tom was sent to school to keep his hand out of an ill turn; and having an old canker’d, crab-witted fellow for his dominie, they were always at variance; for if Tom had got his whips, which he often deserved, he was sure to be revenged upon his master again for it. So Tom perceived his master had a close-stool in a little closet within the school, where he went and eased himself when need was: Tom gets a penny-worth of gun-powder, and sprinkled it on the ground directly before the seat, and lays a little of it along in a train to the fireside; then perceiving when his master went into it, and as he was loosing down his breeches sets fire to the train, which blew it all about his master’s backside, which scorched him terribly, besides the fright, for which Tom was severely whipt. Yet, in a little after, he began to study revenge on his master.

So it happened one day as Tom was in the master’s house, his wife was stooping into a big meal-barrel, to bring out some meal: then he takes her by the feet, and coups her up into the barrel with her head down and her bare backside uppermost; then runs into the school, crying O master, master! the de’il’s looking out o’ your meal stand; wi’ a fat face and a black ill-farr’d mouth; yon’s just Auld Nick if he be living. So the master ran out with all speed he could, for to see what it was; and found it to be his own wife, speechless, and almost smothered to death; but as she could not tell who did it, Tom got clear off: yet he was not satisfied without some more revenge on the old fellow: and knowing his master had a fashion, when he was going to whip the boys if they would not loose their breeches willingly, he drew his knife and cut them threw the waistband behind: So Tom goes to a butcher, and gets a raw pudding, and fills it with blood and water, and puts it within the waistband of his breeches, then goes to the school next day, and as his master was sitting with his back to the fire, Tom lights a piece of paper, and sets his wig in a low, which burnt for some time unperceived, until the flames came fizzing about his ears; he first put out the flames by tramping on the wig, and being informed that Tom did it, flies to him in a rage, ordering him to loose his breeches, but Tom told him he was never so mad.—Then he drew his knife, whips poor Tom over his knee, and with a great struggle cuts the waistband of his breeches; but thro’ pudding and all, so that the blood gushed out, and Tom cried out Murder! Murder! Murder! and down he fell.

The poor Dominie ran out of the school crying and wringing his hands. Word flew about that he was sticked by the Dominie, which made the people come running from several parts of the country round about to see how it was: but upon searching him, they found the empty pudding, which discovered all the fraud. Then two men had to get horses and ride after the poor Dominie, who had by this time got two or three miles away; and when he saw them riding after him crying to stop and come back again, he ran the faster until he could run no more, but fell down on the road, and prayed them to let him go, for, if he was taken back, he was sure to be hanged: and would not be persuaded that Tom was alive, until they forced him back, and he saw him. But he would be Tom’s teacher no longer; so Tom’s father had to seek another master for him.

PART II.

There was a young woman, servant to Tom’s father, whom Tom had offended by some of his tricks, and she, to be up with Tom again, one night spread a handful of short nettles in his bed, between the sheets which stung his legs and thighs so much, that he was obliged to quit his bed for some part of the night; for such he resolved to be revenged, whenever a proper opportunity offered. It happened in a few days after, that she was invited to a wedding, where the dancing and diversions induced her to stay all night, and on coming home in the morning, she fell a washing some clothes. But being fatigued with her night’s diversion and for want of rest, fell fast asleep with her hands extended in the tub, and standing on her feet, with her belly leaning on the tub; Tom perceiving this, slips her petticoat and smoke over her head, facing the highway; several people passing by, while she continued in this posture, some of them were diverted with the sight, and others were ashamed at it; but a poor cadger had the misfortune to be coming that way at the time, and his horse taking fright at this unusual sight threw of his creels, and broke the poor man’s eggs all to smash; which so enraged him that he lashed her buttocks with his whip, in such an unmerciful manner, that with the smart and shame together, she had not the least inclination to sleep for the remaining part of the day.

Tom being grown up to years and age of man, thought himself wiser and slyer than his father: and there were several things about the house which he liked better than to work; so he turned to be a dealer amongst brutes, a cowper of horses and cows, &c., and even wet ware, amongst the brewers and brandy shops, until he cowped himself to the toom halter, and then his parents would supply him no more. He knew his grandmother had plenty of money, but she would give him none; but the old woman had a good black cow of her own, which Tom went to the fields one evening and catches, and takes her to an old waste house which stood at a distance from any other, and there he kept her two or three days, giving her meat and drink at night when it was dark, and made the old woman believe somebody had stolen the cow for their winter’s mart, which was grief enough to the old woman, for the loss of her cow. However she employs Tom to go to a fair that was near by, and buy her another; she gives him three pounds which Tom accepts of very thankfully, and promises to buy her one as like the other as possibly he could get; then he takes a piece of chalk, and brays it as small as meal, and steeps it in a little water, and therewith rubs over the cows face and back, which made her baith brucket and rigget. So Tom in the morning, takes the cow to a public house within a little of the fair, and left her till the fair was over, and then drives her home before him; and as soon as they came home, the cow began to rout as it used to do, which made the old woman to rejoice, thinking it was her own cow but when she saw her white, sighed and said, Alas! thou’ll never be like the kindly brute my Black Lady, and yet ye rout as like her as ony ever I did hear. But says Tom to himself, ’tis a mercy you know not what she says, or all would be wrong yet. So in two or three days the old woman put forth her bra’ rigget cow in the morning with the rest of her neighbour’s cattle, but it came on a sore day of heavy rain, which washed away all the white from her face and back; so the old woman’s Black Lady came home at night, and her rigget cow went away with the shower, and was never heard of. But Tom’s father having some suspicion, and looking narrowly into the cow’s face, found some of the chalk not washed away and then he gave poor Tom a hearty beating, and sent him away to seek his fortune with a skin full of sore bones.