On the Sabbath morning I came into the house, the goodman asked me if I could shave any: yes, said I, but never did on the sabbath day. I fancy, said he, you are some Westland Whig? Sir, said I, you may suppose me to be what you think proper to-day, but yesternight you used me like a Tory, when you sent me into the sty to lie in your sow’s oxter, who is a fitter companion for a devil than any human creature; the most abominable brute upon the earth, said I, who was forbidden to be eaten under the law, and cursed under the gospel. Be they cursed or be they blessed, said he, I wish I had anew of them: but an’ ye will not take aff my beard, ye’se get nae meat here the day; then said I, if ye will not give me meat and drink for money, until the sabbath be past, I’ll take on my wallet, and go along with you to the kirk, and tell your minister how you used me as a hog. No, said the goodwife, you will not want your crowdle, man. But my heart being full of sorrow and revenge a few of them sufficed me, whereon I passed over that long day, and at night went to sleep with my old companions, which was not sound, being afraid of mistress sow coming to revenge the quarrel we had the night before.
On the morning I went into the house, the goodman ordered me the pottage pot to lick; for, says he, it is an old property of chapmen. Well, I had no sooner began to it, than out came a great mastiff dog from below the bed, and grips me by the breast, then turns me over upon my back, and takes the pot himself. Ay, ay, said the goodman, I think your brother pot-licker and you cannot agree about your breakfast. Well, said I, goodman, you said that pot-licking was a chapman’s property, but your dog proves the contrary. So away I comes, and meeting the goodwife at the door, bade her farewell for ever; but what, said I, is your husband’s name? to which she answered, John Swine: I was thinking so, said I, he has such dirty fashions; but whether was yon his mother or his sister I lay with these two nights?
All that day I travelled the country west from Haddington, but could get no meat; when asked if they had any to sell, they told me they never did sell any bread, and I found, by sad experience, they had none to give for nothing. I came into a little country village, and went through it all, house after house, and could get neither bread nor ale to buy. At last I came into a poor weaver’s house, and asked him if he would lend me a hammer: Yes, said he: what are ye going to do with it? Indeed, said I, I am going to knock out all my teeth with it, for I can get no bread to buy in all the country, for all the stores and stacks you have in it. What, said he, was you in the minister’s? I know not, said I, does he keep an alehouse? O no, said he, he preaches every sunday; and what does he preach? said I, is it to harden your hearts? haud well together? have no charity? hate strangers? hunger the poor? eat and drink all yourselves? better burst your bellies than give it to beggars, or let good meat spoil? If your minister be as haughty as his people, I’m positive he’ll drive a louse to London for the hide and tallow. Here I bought the weaver’s dinner for twopence, and then set out again, keeping my course westward. It being now night, I came to a farmer’s house south from Dalkeith; the goodman being very civil, and desirous of news, I related the whole passages of the two days and nights by-past, whereat he was greatly diverted, and said, I was the first he heard of, that ever that man gave quarters to before, though he was an elder in the parish. So the goodman and I fell so thick, that he ordered me to be laid on a shake-down bed by the fire, where I lay more snug than among the swine. Now there were three women lying in a bed in the same apartment, and they not minding that I was there, first one of them rose and let her water go below the chimney grate, where I had a perfect view of her bonny thing, as the coal burned so clearely all the night; and then another rose and did the same; last of all got up the old matron, as she appeared to be, like a second handed goodwife, or a whirled o’er maiden, six times overturned, and as she let her dam go, she also, with full force, when done, let a f—t like the blast of a trumpet, which made the ashes on the hearth stone to fly up like dust about her buttocks, whereat I was forced to laugh out, which made her to run for it, but to smother the laughter I stapt the blankets in my mouth; she went to bed and awakened the other two, saying, O dole! what will I tell you? yon chapman body has seen a’ our a—ses the night! Shame fa’ him, said they, for we had nae mind he was there; I wat weel, says one of them, I’se no rise till he be awa’: but said the old woman, gin he has seen mine, I canna help it, it’s just like other folk’s, an’ feint a hair I care. On the morning the old matron got up first, and ordered up the house, then told me to rise now, for chapmen and every body were up; then she asked me if I had a custom of laughing in my sleep? Yes, said I, when I see any daft like thing I can look and laugh at it as well sleeping as waking. A good preserve us, said she, ye’r an unco body; but ye needna wait on your porridge time, I’se gie you cheese and bread in your pouch; which I willingly accepted, and away I came.
Then I kept my course west by the foot of Pentland hills, where I got plenty of hair, good and cheap, besides a great plenty of old brass, which was an excellent article to make my little pack seem big and weighty. Then I came into a little country village, and going in by the side of a house, there was a great big cat sitting in a weaver’s window, beiking herself in the sun, and washing her face with her feet; I gave her a civil knap on the nose, which made her turn back in through the window, and the weaver having a plate full of hot pottage in the innerside to cool, poor baudrins ran through the middle of them, burnt her feet, and threw them on the ground, ran through the house crying fire and murder in her own language, which caused the weary wicked wabster to come to the door, where he attacked me in a furious rage, and I, to avoid the first shock, fled to the top of the midden, where, endeavouring to give me a kick, I catched him by the foot, and tumbled him back into the midden-dub, where both his head and shoulders went under dirt and water; but before I could recover my elwand or arms, the wicked wife and her twa sons were upon me in all quarters, the wife hung in my hair, while the twa sons boxed me both behind and before, and being thus overpowered by numbers, I was fairly beat by this wicked wabster, his troops being so numerous.
On the Saturday night thereafter, I was like to be badly off for quarters, I travelled until many people were going to bed; but at last I came to a farmer’s house asked what they would buy, naming twenty fine things which I never had, and then asked for quarters, which they very freely granted, thinking I was some genteel packman, with a rich pack; and being weary with travel could take but little supper; being permitted to lie in the spence beside the goodman’s bed, the goodwife being very hard of hearing, she thought that every body was so, for when she went to bed, she cries out A how hearie goodman, is na yon a braw moderate chapman we hae here the night, he took just seven soups o’ our sowens, and that fill’d him fu’; a’ dear Andrew man, turn ye about an’ tak my cauld a—se in your warm lunchoch. On the morrow I went to the kirk, with the goodman, and I missed him about the door, went into the middle of the kirk, but could see no empty seats but one big firm, where none sat but one woman by herself, and so I set myself down beside her, not knowing where I was, until sermon was over, when the minister began to rebuke her for using her Merry-bit against law or license; and then she began to whinge and yowl like a dog, which made me run out cursing, before the minister had given the blessing.
PART III.
I travelled then west by Falkirk, by the foot of the great hills; and one night after I had got lodging in a farmer’s house, there happened a contest between the goodman and his mother, he being a young man unmarried, as I understood, and formerly their sowens had been too thin; so the goodman, being a sworn birly-man of that barony, came to survey the sowens before they went on the fire, and actually swore they were o’er thin; and she swore by her conscience they would be thick enough, if ill hands and ill een bade awa frae them. A sweet be here, mither, said he, do you think that I’m a witch? Witch here, or witch there, said the wife, swearing by her saul, and that was nae banning, she said, they’ll be gude substantial meat;—a what say you chapman? Indeed, goodwife, said I, sowens are but saft meat at the best, but, if you make them thick enough, and put a good lump of butter in them, they’ll do very well for a supper. I trow sae lad, said she, ye ha’e some sense: so the old woman put on the pot with her sowens, and went to milk the cows, leaving me to steer; the goodman, her son, as soon as she went out, took a great cogful of water, and put it into the pot amongst the sowens, and then went out of the house and left me alone: I considering what sort of a pish-the-bed supper I was to get if I staid there, thought it fit to set out, but takes up a pitcher of water, and fills up the pot until it was running over, and then takes up my pack, and comes about a mile farther that night, leaving the honest woman and her son to sup their watery witched sowens at their own pleasure.
The next little town I came to, and the very first house that I entered, the wife cried out, ‘Plague on your snout, sir, ye filthy blackguard chapman-like b——h it ye are, the last time ye came here ye gart our Sandy burn the gude bane kame it I gid a saxpence for in Fa’kirk, ay did ye, ay, sae did ye een, and said ye wad gie him a muckle clear button to do it.’ Me, said I, I never had ado with you a’ the days of my life, and do not say that Sandy is mine. A wae worth the body, am I saying ye had ado wi’ me, I wadna hae ado wi’ the like o’ you, nor I am sure wi’ them I never saw. But what about the button and the bane kame, goodwife? Sannock is na this the man? Ay is’t, cried the boy, gie me my button, for I burnt the kame, and she paid me for’t. Gae awa, sir, said I, your mother and you are but mocking me. It was either you or ane like you, or some other body. O goodwife, I mind who it is now; ’twas just ane like me, when ye see the tane ye see the tither; they ca’ him Jock Jimbither. A wae worth him, quoth the wife, if I dinna thrapple him for my gude bane kame. Now, said I, goodwife, be good, bridle your passion, and buy a bane kame and coloured napkin, I’ll gie you a whaukin’ penny-worth, will gar you sing in your bed, if I should sell you the tae half and gift you the tither, and gar you pay for every inch o’t sweetly or a’ be done. Hech, man, said she, ye’re a hearty fallow, and I hae need o’ a’ these things, but a bane kame I maun hae; for our Sannock’s head is a’ hotchen, and our John’s is little better, for an’ let them alane but ae eight days, they grow as grit as grossets. And here I sold a bane kame and a napkin, for she believed such a douse lad as I had no hand in making the boy burn the bone comb.