There was a Scotsman who dwelt at Gotham, and he took a house a little distance from London, and turned it into an inn, and for his sign he would have a boar’s head, accordingly he went to a carver, and said, Can you make me a bare head? Yes, said the carver. Then said he, make me a bare head, and thou’se hae twenty shillings for thy hire. I will do it, said the carver, on St Andrew’s day, before Christmas, (called Yule in Scotland,) the Scot came to London for his boar’s head. I say, speak, said the Scotsman, hast thou made me a bare head? Yes, said the carver. He went and brought a man’s head of wood that was bare, and said, Sir, there is your bare head. Ay said the Scot the meikle de’il! is this a bare head! Yes, said the carver. I say, said the Scotsman, I will have a bare head like the head that follows a sow with gryces. What, whoreson, know you not a sow that will greet and groan and cry a-week, a-week. What, said the carver, do you mean a pig! Yes, said the Scotsman, let me have her head made of timber, and set on her a scalp, and let her sing—Whip whire. The carver said he could not. You whoreson, said he, gar her as she’d sing whip whire.
TALE XIX.
In old times, during these tales the wives of Gotham were got into an alehouse, and said they were all profitable to their husbands. Which way, good gossips! said the ale-wife. The first said, I will tell you all, good gossips I cannot brew nor bake, therefore I am every day alike, and go to the alehouse because I cannot go to church; and in the alehouse I pray to God to speed my husband, and I am sure my prayers will do him more good than my labour. Then said the second, I am profitable to my husband in saving of candle in winter, for I cause my husband and all my people to go to bed by day-light and rise by day-light. The third said, I am profitable in sparing bread, for I drink a gallon of ale, and I care not much for meat. The fourth said, I am loath to spend meat and drink at home, so I go to the tavern at Nottingham and drink wine, and such other things as God sends me there. The fifth said, A man will ever have more company in another’s house than his own, and most commonly in the ale-house. The sixth said, My husband has flax and wool to spare, if I go to other folk’s houses to do their work. The seventh said, I spare my husband’s wood and clothes, and sit all day talking at other folks’ fires. The eighth said, Beef, mutton, and pork are dear, I therefore take pigs, chickens, conies, and capons, being of a lesser price. The ninth said, I spare my husband’s soap, for instead of washing once a week, I wash but once a quarter. Then said the ale-wife, I keep all my husband’s ale from souring; for as I was wont to drink it almost up, now I never leave a drop.
TALE XX.
On Ash Wednesday, the minister of Gotham would have a collection from his parishioners, and said unto them, My friends, the time is come that you must use prayer, fasting, and alms, but come ye to shrift, I will tell you more of my mind. But as for prayer, I don’t think that two men in the parish can say their Paternoster. As for fasting, ye fast still, for ye have not a good meal’s meat in the year. As for alm-deeds, what should they give that have nothing? In Lent you must refrain from drunkenness and abstain from drink. No not so, said one fellow, for it is an old proverb, that fish should swim. Yes, said the priest, they must swim in the water. I crave thy mercy, quoth the fellow, I thought it should have swam in fine ale, for I have been told so. Soon after the men of Gotham came to shrift and being seven, the priest knew not what penance to give. He said, if I enjoin you to pray, you cannot say your Paternoster. And it is but folly to make you fast, because you never eat a meal’s meat. Labour hard and get a dinner on Sunday, and I will partake of it. Another man he enjoined to fare well on Monday, and another on Tuesday, and another on Wednesday, and so on one after another, that one or other should fare well once in the week that he might have part of their meat, on every day during the week. And as for your alm-deeds, the priest said, ye be but beggars all, except one or two, therefore bestow your alms on yourselves.
FINIS.
