IV. Next day, she says, John, I must go to the market myself, for if you go, you’ll fight wi’ the dogs, and let them run awa’ wi’ ony thing ye buy, see that ye put on the pot, and hae’t boiling again I come hame; John promised well, but performs very badly, she’s no sooner gone, than he puts on the new pot without any water in it, and a good fire to make it boil, and away he goes to the unhappy well, fills his stoup and sets it down, to look at a parcel of boys playing at Cat and Dog, they perswades John to take a game wi’ them, on he plays till are o’ the boys cries, hy John, yonder’s your Girzy coming. John runs into the house wi’ the water, and the pot being red hot on the fire, he tumes in the cold water into it, which made the pot flee all in pieces, just as she was entering the door. John runs for it, and she runs after him, crying, haud the thief, some persons stop’d him, she comes up, and then she laboured him all the way home, and he crying, O sirs, ye see what it is to be married; the Mither-in-law had to make up a peace again, and he promised good behaviour in time to come.
V. On the next morning she sent him to the water to wash some cows puddings, and turn them on a spindle, showing him how he was to do or he went away; John goes to the water very willingly, and as he turn’d and wash’d them, he laid them down behind him, where one of his Father-in-law’s big dogs stood, and ate them up as fast as he laid them down till all was gone but the very last one, which he carried home in his hand, crying like a child, and underwent a severe tost of the old plaister, before any mercy was shown.
VI. His Father-in-law next day sent him away to bring home a fat calf he had bought in the country, and tied up the money in a napkin, which he carried in his hand for fear he should lose it, being very weighty as it was all in halfpence, and as he was going alongst a bridge, he meets a man running after a horse, who cries to John to stop the horse, John meets him on the top of the bridge, and when he wou’d not be stopped for him, he knocks the horse on the face wi’ the napkin and the money, so the napkin broke and most of the half-pence flew over the bridge in the water, which made poor John go home crying very bitterly for his loss, and dread of the auld plaister which he got very sickerly.
VII. On the next morning, she sent him again to the bridge to see if he you’d find any of it in the water, and there he found some ducks sweeming, and ducking down with their heads below the water, as he thought gathering up his money he kills one of them and rips her up, but found none of it in her guts or gabbie, then says he, they have been but looking for it, I’ll go do as they did, strips off his clothes and leaves them on the bridge, goes in a ducking, in which time a rag man came past and took away all his clothes, so he went home naked to get a bath of the old plaister.
VIII. The next morning she sent him to a farm house for a piggful of butter milk, and as he was returning through the fields the farmer’s bull and anither bull was fighting, the farmer’s bull being like to lose, John runs in behind him and sets his head to the bull’s tail, in purpose to help him to push against the other, but the poor bull thought John was some other bull attacking him behind, fled aside, and the other bull came full-drive upon John, pushed him down, broke the pigg and spilt the milk, so John went home to his auld plaister, which began to be an usual diet to him, and so he regarded it the less.
IX. His Mother-in-law with several auld witty wives held a private counsel on John’s conduct and bad luck, and concluded he was bewitched, John was of the same opinion, and went to the minister, and told him he was the cause of a’ his misfortunes, ca’d him a warlock to his face, and said, he had put such a black bargain in his hand, that he was ruin’d for ever; insisted either to unmarry them again, or send death and the bell-man to take her awa’, for she has a lump of mischief on her back and anither on her breast, and the rest of her body is a clean deil. The minister began to exhort him to peace and patience, telling him that marriage was made in heaven: ye’re a baist liar, says John, for I was married in your ain kitchen, an a’ the blackguards about the town was there, an it had a-been heaven they wadna win in, yet tell’t me that matrimony was sic a happy state, but an ye had gotten as mony we’ll paid skins as I hae gotten, ye wad ken what it is; ill chance on you stir, and out he goes, cursing like a madman, throwing stanes, and breaking the minister’s windows, for which he was catch’d and put twa hours i’ the stocks, and at last his Lump of Corruption came and rubbed his lugs, threw his nose, got him out, and drove him home before her; took a resolution never to set him about any bisiness in time coming, but keep him on his loom.
X. Now she giving him no sleep a’ that night for scolding; John got up in the morning lang or day, leaving his tormentor in bed; fell asleep upon his loom with his candle in his hand, and so set the web, heddles, reed, and treadle cords in a fire, by chance his old Viper looked out of the bed, or the whole house had been gone; up she got, and with her cries alarm’d the neighbourhood who came to her relief, but poor John underwent a dreadful swabing for this.
XI. After the former hurry and beating being over, his work being stopt, he went to bed and sleept a’ that day, and following night, on the next day having nothing to do; she sent him in search of a hen’s-nest, who had taken some by-place to lay her eggs in, so as poor John was in an auld kill searching a’ about the walls, the kill-ribs brake, and down he goes with a vengeance into the logie cutted and bruised himself in a terrible manner, up he could not win, but had to creep out at the logie below, scarcely able to get hame, his face and nose a’ running o’ blood, in this condition she pitied and lamented for him very much, tied his sores and laid him in bed, then sat down very kindly, saying, My dear and my lamb, do ye think there is ony o’ your banes broken, and what part o’ you is sairest? And what will I get to do you good? O! said he Girzy I’m a brizel’d atween the feet; Are ye indeed quoth she, then I wish ye had broken your neck, that I might a gotten anither, useless ae way, and useless mae ways, a po’ my word, ye’s no be here, gang whar ye like.
XII. Now, as poor John was turn’d out o’ doors next morning, to go awa’ hirpling on a staff, one came and told him his Mother had died last night, Oh hoch, said John, and is my Mither clean dead; O an she wad but look down thro’ the lift, and see how I’m guided this morning, I’m sure she wad send death for me too: I’m out o’ a mither, and out o’ a wife, out o’ my health and strength and a’ my warklooms. His mother-in-law came and pleaded for him: haud your tongue, mither, said Girzy, if ye kend what ail’d him, ye wadna speak about him, he’s useless, no worth the keeping in a house, but to ca’ him to die like an auld beast at a dyke-side, hout tout, co’ the auld wife, we’ll mak o’ him and he’ll mend again: so John got peace made up after a’, and he was easier mended than the burnt web; got all his treadles and warklooms set in order the wife’s tongue excepted, which was made of wormwood, and the rest of her body of sea-water, which is always in a continual tempest.