The minister looks at him, hute, tute, Saunders, lay down four pund and a groat, and come back to-morrow to the stool, and give satisfaction to the congregation, you had more need to be seeking repentance for that abominable sin of uncleanness, than speaking so to me.
San. Then there is your siller stir, I hae gotten but poor penny-worths for’t, and ye’ll tell me to repent for’t, what the auld thief needs I repent, when I’m gaun to marry de woman, and then I’ll hae to do’t o’er again every day, or they’ll be nae peace in the house; figs it’s nonsense to pay siller, repent, and do’t again too, a fine advice indeed master minister, and that is how ye live.
Wise Willy. Now stir, you and master elders, ye manna put them on the black creepy till they be married; they suffered enough at ae time.
A well, a well, said they, but they must marry very soon then.
I trow sae says Sandy, ye’ll be wanting mair siller, fule hate ye’ll do for naething here.
Hame came Sandy, starving o’ hunger, ye might a casten a knot on his lang guts, his mither was baking pease bannocks, up he gets a lump of her leaven into his mouth, auld thief be in your haggies-bag, Sandy, kirk-fouks is ay greedy, ye been wi’ the minister the day, ye’d get a good lang grace, he might a gi’en you meat thou filthy dog that tu is, thou hast the bulk of a little whalpie o’ my leaven in your guts, it wada been four good bannocks and a scone, and a sair’d our Sunday’s dinner, sae wad it een, but an ye keep a reeking house and a rocking cradle three eleven years as I hae done, less o’ that will sair ye yet, baggity beast it tu is, mair it I bore thee now, a hear ye that my dow.
The next exploit was an action at law, against the goodman of Muir-edge, a farmer who lived near by, that kept sheep and swine, his sheep came down and broke into their yards and ate up their kail; the wild hares, they thought, belonged to the same man, as they ran towards his house when they were hunted; the swine came very often in and about their houses, seeking fish guts and ony thing they cou’d get, so it happened that one of their children, sitting easing itself, one of the swine tumbles it over, and bites a piece out of the child’s backside: The whole town rose in an uproar, and after Grunkie, as they called her, they catched her and took her before Wise Willy: Willy takes an ax and cuts two or three inches off her long nose, now says Willy, I trow I have made thee something Christian-like, thou had sic a long mouth and nose before, it wad a frighted a very de’il to look at ye; but now your fac’d like a little horse or cow: the poor sow ran home roaring all blood and wanting the nose, which caused Muir-edge to warn them in before my Lord: so the wives that had their kail eaten, appeared first in the court, complaining against Muir-edge. Indeed, my Lord, Muir-edge is no a good man, when he’s sick an ill neighbour, he keeps black hares and white hares, little wee brown backed hares wi’ white arses, and loose wagging horns, de muckle anes loups o’er the dyke and eats a de kail, and de little anes wi’ de wagging horns, creeps in at our water gush-holes, and does the like, when we cry pisue, they ran awa’ hame to Muir-edge, but I’ll gar my colly hand ’em by the fit, and I’ll hand ’em by the horn, an pu’ a’ de hair aff ’em, and send ’em hame wanting the skin, as he did wi’ Sowen Tammy’s wi’ Sandy, for codding o’ his pease, he took aff de poor laddies coat, a sae did he e’en.
A well then, said my Lord, what do you say, but call in Wise Willy.
In he comes, A well my Lord, I shall suppose an ye were a sow, and me sitting d——g, and you to bite my arse, sudna I tak amends o’ you for that? Od my Lord, ye wadna hae sic a bit out o’ your arse for twenty merks, ye maun just gar Muir-edge gie ten merks to buy a plaister to heal the poor bit wean’s arse again. Well said, Willy, says my Lord, but who puts on the sow’s nose again? A figs my lord, said Willy, she’s honester-like wanting it, and she’ll bite nae mair arses wi’t, and gin ye had hane a nose, my Lord, as lang as the sow had, ye’d been obliged to ony body it wad cut a piece aft.
A gentleman coming past near their town, asked one of their wives where their college stood, said she, Give me a shilling, and I’ll let you see both sides o’t, he gives her a shilling, thinking to see some curious sight, now there’s one side of your shilling and there’s the other, and ’tis mine now.