Part IV.
Tom having now left his own native country, went into the county of Northumberland, where he hired himself with an old miser of a farmer; and here he continued several years, performing the duty in his service very well, though sometimes playing a roguish trick to those about him: his master had a very naughty custom that he would allow them no candle at night to see with when at supper; Tom one night sets himself next to his master, and as they were all about to fall on, Tom puts his spoon into the midst of the dish where the crowdie was the hottest, and claps a spoonful into his masters mouth: a pox upon you for a rogue, cried his master, for my mouth is all burnt; a pox upon you for a master, says Tom, for you keep a house as dark as Purgatory, for I was going to my own mouth with that sup and mist the way it being so dark: don’t think master that I am such a big fool as to feed you, while I have a mouth of my own. So from that night that Tom burnt his master’s mouth with the hot crowdie, they always got a candle to shew them light at supper, for his master would feed no more in the dark while Tom was present.
There was a servant girl in the house, who always when she made the beds neglected to make Tom’s, and would have him to do it himself, well then, says Tom, I have harder work to do, and I shall do that too, so next day when Tom was in the field at the plough, when he saw his master coming from the house towards him, he then left the horses and the plough standing in the field, and goes away towards his master, who cried, What is wrong, or is any thing broke with you? No, no, says Tom, but I am going home to make my bed, it has not been made these two weeks, and just now is about the time, the maid makes all the rest, so I’ll go home and make mine too. No, no sirrah, go back to your plough, and I’ll cause it to be made every night to you. Then, says Tom, I’ll plough two or three furrows more in the time.[61]
There was a butcher came to his master’s and bought a fine fat calf, so Tom laid it on the horses neck before the butcher, and when he was gone, now, says Tom, what will you hold master, but I’ll steal that calf from the butcher before he goes two miles off? Why, says his master, I’ll hold a guinea you don’t; done, says Tom; in he goes, and gets a good shoe of his master’s, and runs off another way cross the fields until he got before the butcher: near to the corner of a hedge, where there was an open and turning of the way, here Tom darns himself behind the hedge, and throws the shoe in the middle of the highway, then up comes the butcher riding and his calf before him; hey, said he to himself, there’s a good shoe, if I knew how to get on my calf again I would alight for it but what signifies one without its neighbour? so off he goes and lets it lye. Tom then slips out and takes the shoe up again, and runs across the fields until he got in before the butcher at another part of the hedge, about half a mile distant, and there he throws the shoe out again in the midst of the way; then up comes the butcher, and seeing it, says to himself, now I shall have a pair of good shoes for the lifting: and down he comes, lays the calf on the ground, and tying his horse to the hedge, runs back, thinking to get the other shoe; in which time, Tom whips up the calf and shoe, and home he comes, demanding his wager, which his master could not deny, being so fairly won.
The poor butcher returned to his horse, got only his travel for his pains, so missing his calf, he knew not what to say or do, but thinking it had broke the rope from about it’s feet, and had run into the fields, the butcher spent that day in search of it amongst the hedges and ditches, and so returned to Tom’s master’s all night, intending to go and search farther for it next day, giving them a tedious relation how he came to lose it by a curs’d pair o’ shoes which he believed the devil had dropt in his way, and now he had taken the calf and all along with him, expressing his thankfulness that the devil was so honest as to spare his old horse when he stole away his calf. Next morning Tom went to work and makes a fine white face on the calf with chalk and water then brings it out and sold it to the butcher, which was good diversion to his master and other servants to see the butcher buy his own calf again: no sooner was he gone with it, but Tom says, now master what will you hold but I’ll steal it from him again, or he goes two miles off? No, no, says his master, I’ll hold no more beats with you, but I’ll give you a shilling if you do it, done says Tom, it shall cost you no more; and away he runs a foot through the fields, until he came in before the butcher, hard by the place where he stole the calf from him the day before; and here he lyes behind the hedge, and as the butcher came past, he puts his hand on his mouth, and cries, Baw, baw, like a calf; the butcher hearing this, swears to himself, that there was the calf he had lost the day before, down he comes and throws the calf he had on the ground, gets in through the hedge in all haste, thinking he had no more to do but take it up; but as he came in at the one part of the hedge, Tom jumps out at another, and gets the calf on his back, then gets in over the hedge on the other side, and through the fields he came safely home, with the calf on his back; while the poor butcher spent his time and labour in vain, running from hedge to hedge, and hole to hole, seeking what was not there to be found. So the butcher returned to his horse again, and finding his other calf gone, he concluded it to be done by some invisible spirit thereabout that spot of ground; and so went home and raised a bad report on the devil, saying he was turned a highwayman and had taken two calfs from him. So Tom washing the white face off the stolen calf, his master sent the butcher word to come and buy another calf, which he accordingly did a few days after, and Tom sold him the same calf a third time; then told him the whole affair as it was acted, giving him his money again so the butcher got but fun for all his fuddle.[62]
Part V.
There was an old rich blind woman, who lived hard bye, that had a young girl her only daughter, and she fell deep in love with Tom, and Tom fell as deep in love with the money, but not with the maid: the old woman bestowed a vast of presents on Tom, and mounted him like a gentleman, but still he put off the marriage from time to time, and always wanted something, which the old woman gave the money to purchase for him, until he had got about thirty pounds of her money and then she would delay the marriage no longer: Tom went and took the old woman and girl aside, and made his apology as follows—Dear mother,[63] said he I am very willing to wed with my dear Polly, for she appears as an angel in mine eyes, but I am sorry very sorry to acquaint you that I am not a fit match for her: what child, says the old woman, there’s not a fitter match in the world for my Polly, I did not think your country could afford such a clever youth as what I hear of you to be,[64] you shall neither want gold nor silver, and a good horse to ride upon and when I die you shall have my all: O but says Tom, mother that’s no the matter at all, the stop is this, when I was at home in Scotland, I got a stroke with a horse’s foot on the bottom of my belly, which has quite disabled me below that I cannot perform I husband’s duty in bed. Then the old woman clapt her hands, and fell a crying, O! if it had been any impediment but that, but that, but that, woful that! which gold and silver cannot purchase and yet the poorest people that is even common beggars have plenty off it. The old woman and her daughter sat crying and wringing their hands, and Tom stood and wept lest he should get no more money, O says Polly, mother I’ll wed with him nevertheless, I love him so dearly? No, no, you foolish girl would you throw yourself away to marry a man and die a maid, you don’t know the end of your creation, it is the enjoyment of a man in bed that makes women to marry, which is a pleasure like a paradise, and if you wed with this man, you’ll live and die and never know it. Hoo, hoo, says Tom, If I had got money, I needed not been this way till now; money, you fool, said the old woman, there’s not such a thing to be got for money in all England: ay, says Tom, there’s a doctor in Newcastle, will make me able as any other man for ten guineas: ten guineas, said she, I’ll give him fifty guineas if he will, but here is twelve and go to him directly, and know first what he can do, and come again and wed my child, or she and I both will die for thy sake. Tom having now got twelve guineas more of their money, got all things ready, and next morning early, sets out for Newcastle, but instead of going to Newcastle, he came to old Scotland, and left Polly and her mother to think upon him, then in about two weeks after, when he was not like to return, no nor so much as a word from him: the old woman and Polly got a horse, and came to Newcastle in search of him, went through all the doctors shops asking if there came a young man there about two weeks ago with a broken cock to mend: some laught at her, others were like to kick her out of doors, so the old woman had to return without getting any further intelligence of Tom.