Herself: Talks with Women Concerning Themselves

by E. B. Lowry

CHAPTER VII

THE MARRIAGE RELATION

As several of you expect to be married soon I think it would be well to talk briefly about the cause of so much unhappiness in marriage.

It has been estimated that only about five per cent. of all marriages are successful. Is this true, and if true, why? If five per cent. made a success of marriage, why could not the other ninety-five? Marriage is a science to be studied by the prospective bride and groom in order that they may be ranked with the five per cent. and not make a failure of their married life. Few would enter the marriage relation if convinced that it would be a failure. The prospective bride looks around among her acquaintances and sees the lack of true happiness, thinks that her case will be an exception, that her marriage will turn out all right and then goes blindly ahead into the new life without any preparation.

A large percentage of the unhappiness among married couples comes through a misunderstanding of the marital relations. A great deal of this is due to ignorance on the part of the bride and thoughtlessness on the part of the husband. This is partly due to defective education during childhood in regard to the sexes. The training of boys and girls in this matter is very different. Knowledge pertaining to the sexual life is talked over very freely among boys, so that by the time the boy is of a marriageable age he is pretty well posted. With girls it is quite different. It would be considered very immodest for a girl to discuss such matters. She does not feel free even to talk with her mother or other adviser, and so she goes to the altar ignorant of many things she should know. Then during the first few days of married life this knowledge so overwhelms her and often gives her such a severe shock that it leaves a lasting impression. She has no way of knowing that her husband is just like other men. She is liable to regard him as a brute and resent his attentions.

Such a condition of affairs is altogether wrong, but the girl is not to be blamed. Had she been taught what to expect, much of the unhappiness of married life might have been avoided. If taught correctly, the girl should regard the sexual act as the culmination of true love. It should be regarded as something sacred, something that makes her and her husband as one. Fortunate indeed is the girl whose husband realizes this lack of knowledge and gently leads her to desire the fulfillment of love. Unfortunate is the girl whose husband regards this act only as the gratification of animal passions—something it is a wife's duty to endure as such.

Passion or sex sense is a sign of maturity. It is the calling for a mate. All animals have this sense and nearly all animals have a mating season. The billing and cooing of the birds in the springtime is an expression of this sense—the love sense. It is possessed by every little insect. Only by knowing their habits do we see the expression of it. This sense is nothing of which one should be ashamed. It was God-given for a divine purpose.

In the study of plants we learn that the pollen or male element must unite with the ovum or female element in order to produce the seed that will develop into the new plant. The same fact is true of the human race. Before pregnancy can take place there must be a meeting and fusion of the vital elements of the two sexes. This fertilization of the ovum or joining of the male and female elements is called conception. It is brought about by coitus, by means of which the semen of the male is deposited in the vagina of the female. This act is called insemination, although conception does not follow unless the ovum and spermatozoon (life-giving element of the semen) come together and unite. When this occurs the woman conceives and enters upon a period of pregnancy. The time at which conception is least likely to occur is from the seventeenth to the twenty-third day after menstruation ceases.

During the first year of married life couples are liable to abuse the love sense by over-indulgence and thereby use up too much of their energy. This affects their health, especially that of the young wife, who finds herself always being tired and is unable to account for it. Her daily tasks become a drudgery, for she is too exhausted to have the strength to perform them. After the tasks finally are finished, she is too tired to don the afternoon dress, and so easily falls into untidy habits. This brings its train of results. The young husband, on his return from work, fails to find his wife the bright, attractive girl he married and gradually grows indifferent.