Perhaps if I had had more teaching about surrendering my will to God, I would have yielded and in this way avoided the powers of hell that laid hold upon me from that time. I was powerless in the hands of these unseen foes. Everything went against me. My life was ruined. There was no hope. Despair was my companion for years. Sickness and disease possessed my body, and sin became my hated master.
"Could we but draw back the curtains
That surround each other's lives,
See the naked heart and spirit—ah, if we only could!
"If we knew—alas! and do we
Ever care to know
Whether bitter herbs or roses
In our neighbor's garden grow?"
I attended many churches, heard many noted preachers, my soul suffering the while from awful convictions and desires for a higher life, but without a ray of light. After years of suffering I finally discerned that what was necessary was to make a complete surrender of myself to God. This I did with all my heart, hesitating no longer to bear any cross he saw fit to send. I made a full surrender, and God gave me salvation. At this time I had great need of spiritual advice; for I was so ignorant of the laws of salvation that I did not know that when God had taken away my burden of sin and washed me clean and made my heart feel so new and light and happy, he had made me his child. I knew about as much concerning spiritual things as a heathen. At last, a very dear, good woman became a mother to me. She was the first person who ever asked me about my soul. She taught me to talk about spiritual things and to understand them. She taught me the lessons of truth from God's own Word. She showed me by God's Word how I might live entirely free from the blight of sin, how I might dress and eat and live to his glory. It was all very new, but it was all more pleasant than the choicest food I had ever tasted. She taught me that by his Word and promises he was able and willing to heal my mortal body. Physicians said my case was hopeless and that I could live but a short time. I did not care to live until God showed me I might live for others. Then I was ready to bear my cross and God was ready to plant my feet on solid ground away from the "pains and losses" that brought grief and misery to my life. Blessings now fell upon my pathway. When fever fastened itself upon me and my body was being rapidly consumed by its fires, God instantly raised me up. He caused me to "forget the things of the past and press on."