Making a Complete Surrender
EXPERIENCE NUMBER 25
From the time of my conversion in early life I longed to be useful in helping others to find the way of salvation. But my inability and lack of talent was an apparent barrier, and caused me to almost despair of ever being able to accomplish the desire of my heart.
Though I felt that I was a Christian, yet I had a longing in my soul for a closer walk with God. There were times when I had spiritual struggles within and without, and I did not know how to be an "overcomer," as mentioned in the Bible.
A few years later, while living in Ohio, I was awakened to the fact that the Lord had promised the gift of the Holy Spirit to his believing children and that it was my privilege to obtain that experience wherein I could enjoy that "great grace" which was upon them all who were assembled at one place after Pentecost. My heart yearned for the experience that the people of those apostolic days enjoyed; and as I read about how willing the Lord was to "give the Holy Ghost to them that believe," and read that we were promised the "Comforter," who would abide in our hearts, I decided to have the experience.
My religious instructors gave me no encouragement; for they had not attained to such an experience themselves and did not think it attainable in this life. But undaunted, and determined to have relief for my burdened soul, I sought the Lord earnestly to reveal to me the secret of obtaining that abundant grace which I was convinced was within my reach if I could only learn how to obtain it.
The time came when my prayers were answered, and I was enabled to make a complete consecration to the will of God. But before reaching that point, I many times fell upon my knees or prostrated myself before the Lord in earnest supplication for that grace. In the meantime I met others who had received it, and I realized more than ever that what they possessed was just the thing for which I had been seeking. There were yet two points that seemed to hinder me in my final efforts. My desire was to have such an outpouring of the Spirit as would cause me to leap and shout the same as some others did when they received the Holy Spirit. The second was that there was one thing which I had not fully yielded to the will of God. Regarding that thing I made a conditional surrender—that if God would give me the experience and then show me that I held a wrong attitude, I would then yield the point. I thought the Lord ought to accept my consecration and give me the experience I had so long sought. But he would not do so.
I began to submit myself to the Lord more fully, and he more clearly opened my understanding to his Word and more definitely shed rays of light upon my pathway concerning the point in question; then came the words of Jesus, "Walk in the light while ye have the light, lest ye go into darkness." My duty was now as clear to me as the morning sun. There was no rebellion in my heart, the surrender was complete, and I could with confidence say that my consecration reached the will of God on every point, regarding all the things I could call to my mind and also everything that might present itself in the future. There was no doubt concerning my having made what we sometimes call a Bible consecration.