The truth is, the journey heavenward is all up hill I have to force myself to keep on. The wonder is that anybody gets there with so much to oppose—- so little to help one!
JULY 29.-It is high time to stop and think. I have been like one running a race, and am stopping to take breath. I do not like the way in which things have been going on of late. I feel restless and ill at ease. I see that if I would be happy in God, I must give Him all. And there is a wicked reluctance to do that. I want Him-but I want to have my own way, too. I want to walk humbly and softly before Him, and I want to go where I shall be admired and applauded. To whom shall I yield? To God? Or to myself?
JULY 30.-I met Dr. Cabot to-day, and could not, help asking the question:
"Is it right for me to sing and play in company when all I do it for is to be admired?"
"Are you sure it is all you do it for?" he returned.
"Oh," I said, "I suppose there may be a sprinkling of desire to entertain and please, mixed with the love of display."
"Do you suppose that your love of display, allowing you have it, would be forever slain by your merely refusing to sing in company?"
"I thought that might give it a pretty hard blow," I said, "if not its death-blow."
"Meanwhile, in, punishing yourself you punish your poor innocent friends," he said laughing. "No child, go on singing; God has given you this power of entertaining and, gratifying your friends. But, pray without ceasing, that you may sing from pure benevolence and not from pure self-love."
"Why, do people pray about such things as that?" I cried.