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Page 40—Whipping Machine

Snook's Patent Whipping Machine for Flogging Naughty Boys in School
 "The Snooks' Whipping Machine has proved a total failure."—"Times."
Declaration of a Distracted Schoolmaster.
A year a go I took charge of a school of 1000 boys. They were a very bad lot indeed, and I could do nothing with them. Being of a mild disposition, I attempted to reason with them; but I might as well have reasoned with the pigs. I then thought of punishing them, but that was a big task, and, besides, what mode of punishment should I adopt? In my utmost perplexity I wrote to Professor Wilderspin—a great authority on the management of boys—and he wrote as follows: "Nearly all boys can be managed by an intelligent schoolmaster
without punishment, but in a few cases it seems impossible to do
without it. In every large school in England, Ireland, and Scotland
some corporal punishment is used, and some must continue to be used
as long as very vicious children continue to exist, or as long as
parents spoil their children by over indulgence or by wilful
criminal neglect before they send them to school.—Yours truly,
Professor Wilderspin."
I then wrote to twenty-seven of the principal headmasters in the world, and the following are the replies:— From the High School of Eton wrote head-master, Mr. Squeers:
"If they don't behave as they should do, why, soundly box their ears."
From the Grammar School of Harrow wrote head-master, Mr. Phfool:
"If they do not behave themselves, expel them from the school."
From the Training School of Rugby wrote head-master, Mr Wist:
"Just take a handful of their hair, and give a sharp, short twist."
From the College School of Oxford wrote Professor Rarey Hook:
"Instead of nearly killing, overawe them with a look."
From the Bible School of Cambridge wrote Professor William Brying:
"Well whip them with a birchen rod, and never mind their crying."
From the Blue Coat School of London wrote Professor Rupert Gower:
"At arm's length make them hold a book the space of half-an-hour."
From the Naval School of Liverpool wrote head-master Mr. Jointer:
"Just rap them on the knuckles with a common teacher's pointer."
From the People's School of Manchester wrote head-master Mr. Flowers:
"Make them kneel down as still as death for just about two hours."
From the Infant School of Birmingham wrote Professor Dory Heller:
"Just put on them a fool's cap, marked 'dunce,' 'thief,' or 'story-teller'."
From the Charity school of Sheffield wrote head-master, Mr. Clay:
"If the boys are disobedient, do not let them out to play."
From the Gentleman's School at Brighton wrote Professor Robert Flask:
"If the boys will act unruly, why, just make them do a task."
From the National School of Bristol wrote Professor Mark Groom:
"If the boys are extra naughty, shut them in a dark room."
From the District School of Edenburgh wrote head-master, Mr. Glass:
"The naughty boys should all be sent to the bottom of the class."
From the Mixed School of Glasgow wrote Professor Duncan Law:
"To keep a proper kind of school, just use the three-tailed taw."
From the Latin School of Dublin wrote Professor Patrick Clayrence:
"If the boys are very bad boys, write a letter to their parents."
From the Mission School, Calcutta, wrote the Rev. Mr. Mac Look:
"Try them by a boy jury, write the verdict in a black-book."
From the Lyceum of New York wrote Professor Henry Bothing:
"Take your delinquent boys one hour and make them sit on nothing."
From the Public School, Chicago, wrote head-master, Mr. Norrids:
"If they will not behave themselves, why, just you slap their foreheads."
From, the Academy of San Francisco wrote head-master, Mr. Power:
"Make them stoop and hold their fingers on the floor for just an hour."
From the Mormon School of Utah wrote Professor Orson Pratt:
"First strip and make them fast, and then just use the little cat."
From the King's College, Lisbon, wrote Professor Don Cassiers:
"If you want to make them good boys, pull, pinch, and twist their ears."
From the Cadet's School of Paris wrote Professor Monsieur Sour:
"Just make them hold their hands above their heads for one full hour."
From the Royal School of Amsterdam wrote Professor Vander Tooler:
"If they will not behave themselves, just trounce them with a ruler."
From the Model School of Pekin wrote Professor Cha Han Coo:
"Just put their hands into the stocks and beat with a bamboo."
From the Normal School of Moscow wrote Professor Ivan Troute:
"To make your boys the best of boys, why, just use the knout."
From the Muslim School of Cairo wrote the Mufti, Pasha Saido:
"Upon the bare soles of their feet give them the bastinado."
From the Common School of Berlin wrote Professor Von de Rind:
"There's nothing like the old, old way that ever could I find;
Just lay them right across your knee and cane them well behind.
I've only just been speaking mit mine goot frien', Doctor Whistim,
And he says that it does no harm, but is felt throughout the system."
At last, as I was thinking deep how puzzling all this looks,
I received a tempting offer from a certain Mr. Snooks.
His "great machine to whip with speed" I brought with flusteration,
But to see just how it did succeed you view the illustration.
And then look at "Professor Cole's Gentle Persuader." next page.

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Page 41—Whipping Machine

Cole's Patent Whipping Machine for Flogging Naughty Boys in School