Cole's Funny Picture Book No. 1

by E. W. Cole

Crooked Old Man There was a crooked man, And he went a crooked mile, He found a crooked sixpence, Against a crooked stile. He bought a crooked cat, Which caught a crooked mouse, And they all lived together In a little crooked house.

King Arthur When good King Arthur ruled this land, He was a goodly King; He stole three pecks of barley meal, To make a bag pudding. A bag pudding the King did make, And stuffed it well with plums; And in it put great lumps of fat, As big as my two thumbs. The King and Queen did eat thereof, And noblemen beside; And what they could not eat that night The Queen next morning fried.

Barney Bodkin Barney Bodkin broke his nose, Without feet we can't have toes, Crazy folks are always mad, Want of money makes us sad.

Funny Man A man of words and not of deeds, Is like a garden fill of weeds; And when the weeds begin to grow, It's like a garden full of snow; And when the snow begins to fall, It's like a bird upon the wall; And when the bird away does fly, It's like an eagle in the sky; And when the sky begins to roar, It's like a lion at the door; And when the door begins to crack, It's like a stick across your back; And when your back begins to smart, It's like a penknife in your heart; And when your heart begins to bleed, You're dead, and dead, and dead indeed.

Strange Man There was a man and he was mad, And he jumped into a pea-pod; The pea-pod was over-full, So he jumped into a roaring bull; The roaring bull was over-fat, So he jumped into a gentleman's hat; The gentleman's hat was over-fine, So he jumped into a bottle of wine; The bottle of wine was over-dear, So he jumped into a bottle of beer; The bottle of beer was over-thick, So he jumped into a club-stick; The club-stick was over-narrow, So he jumped into a wheel-barrow; The wheel-barrow began to crack, So he jumped into a hay-stack; The hay-stack began to blaze, So he did nothing but cough and sneeze.

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Page 101—Old Men Tales

Jack Sprat Jack Sprat could eat no fat, His wife could eat no lean, And so between them both They licked the platter clean. Jack ate all the lean, Joan ate all the fat, The bone they both picked clean, Then gave it to the cat. When Jack Sprat was young, He dressed very smart, He courted Joan Cole, And soon gained her heart; In his fine leather doublet And old greasy hat, Oh! what a smart fellow Was little Jack Sprat. Joan Cole had a hole In her petticoat, Jack Sprat, to get a patch, Gave her a groat. The groat bought a patch Which stopped the hole, "I thank you, Jack Sprat," Says little Joan Cole. Jack Sprat was the bridegroom, Joan Cole was the bride, Jack said from the church His Joan home should ride. But no coach could take her, The road was so narrow; Said Jack, "Then I'll take her Home in a wheelbarrow." Jack Sprat was wheeling His wife by a ditch, Then the barrow turned over, And in she did pitch. Says Jack, "She'll be drown'd!" But Joan did reply, "I don't think I shall, For the ditch is quite dry." Jack brought home his Joan, And she sat in a chair, When in came his cat, That had got but one ear. Says Joan "I've come home, Puss, Pray how do you do?" The cat wagg'd her tail And said nothing but "mew." Jack Sprat took his gun, And went to the brook; He shot at the drake, But he killed the duck. He bought it home to Joan, Who a fire did make, To roast the fat duck While Jack went for the drake. The drake was swimming With his curly tail, Jack Sprat came to soot him, But happened to fail. He let off his gun, But missing the mark, The drake flew away Crying "Quack, quack, quack." Jack Sprat to live pretty Now bought him a pig, It was not very little, It was not very big; It was not very lean, It was not very fat, "It will serve for a grunter," Said little Jack Sprat. Then Joan went to market To buy her some fowls, She bought a jackdaw And a couple of owls; The owls were white, The jackdaw was black, "They'll make a rare breed," Says little Joan Sprat. Jack Sprat bought a cow, His Joan to please, For Joan could make Both butter and cheese; Or pancakes or puddings Without any fat; A notable housewife Was little Joan Sprat. Joan Sprat went to brewing A barrel of ale, She put in some hops That it might not turn stale; But as for the malt— She forgot to put that; "This is a brave sober liquor." Said little Jack Sprat. Jack Sprat went to market And bought him a mare, She was lame of three legs, An as blind as she could stare. Her ribs they were bare, For the mare had no fat; "She looks like a racer," Said little Jack Sprat. Jack and Joan went abroad, Puss looked after the house; She caught a large rat, And a very small mouse, She caught a small mouse, And a very large rat, "You're an excellent hunter," Said little Jack Sprat. Now I've told you the story Of little Jack Sprat, Of sweet Joan Cole And the poor one-ear'd cat; Now Jack he loved Joan, And good things he taught her, Then she gave him a son, Then after a daughter. Now Jack has got rich, And has plenty of pelf; If you know any more you may tell it yourself.

Cross Old Man There was a cross old man and what do you think, He lived on nothing but victuals and drink; Victuals and drink were his principal diet, Yet this crabbed old man would never be quiet. He teased a poor monkey, who lived in a cage, Till the animal got in a terrible rage, And seized on his nose with finger so strong, That it stretched it until it was quite a yard long.